A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am a 51 year old married woman who has desperately been trying to save my marriage recently my husband told me he doesn't want me anymore except for sex. The reason he gave me was because I won't give him a massage when he ask me, and I won't give him a foot massage when he asks. I could be doing homework with the kids or cooking he expects me to drop everything and do for him when he says do it. Sometimes because my days are so long I am exhausted at the end of the day. All my husband think about is sex and nothing else when it comes to me. We never really have a general conversation without suggesting something about sex. What should I do? I asked him why is he still he if he don't want me anymore, his replied was he always want to do the right thing by trying to make it work. I have tried to talk to him but he shut down when I attempt to try to get down to the real reason why he wants out but won't leave.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): Spoiled people hate those who spoil them.
A
female
reader, tsarina  +, writes (9 June 2008):
Hey girl
I think you really need to think about what YOU want out of life. He sounds very disrespectful, just like my ex. Very demanding and oblivious to anything we may be busy with when their demands are requested. As for his infidelity, you should have left after the first misdemeanour. It sounds like you can take care of yourself by doing hair, and it is NEVER too late to start all over again. I am 44 and am starting again from scratch. Do yourself a favour and check out the word narcissist, it may be closer to the character of male you have in your life. I understand that a lot of the answers here are based upon getting counselling, but abusive behaviour, especially when you have personally experienced it is completely unacceptable and the only way he will learn this little life lesson in treating someone with respect is unfortunately 'the deep end'. I will respect whatever decision you make, but make it for your own happiness, be selfish for once!
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (9 June 2008):
 Often when couples have children, the husbands start to feel like they've taken a back seat to the kids. Since care-giving usually falls on the woman's shoulders, it does often end up this way. If your husband would pitch in and help out with the kids and things around the house everything would get done alot faster and you would both have more energy for each other. Your husband only wants you for sex because right now, that's the only way he can connect to you and feel like he has your undivided attention. It's a cry for help in my opinon. Try working together instead of against each other. When you're swamped with kids homework and other chores, say to him "Hey if you could help __ with his homework we might have some time to relax together later..." and then make sure you follow up on your promise. If he pitches in and makes the least bit of effort, be sure you reward him and maybe he'll start helping you more instead of sitting around waiting for his turn. I wish you the best, but unfortunately men are often alot like needy little children. You just have to make time for them so they will continue to feel connected to you and not lost in the masses. xoxoxox
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question I thank everyone for their advice. I wanted to add that I have three kids by my husband and every time he don't have his way he threaten us about leaving. I have forgiven him for infidelity so many times. I am through menopause some day I feel up to making love to him, and there are days my body won't do what my mind tell it.I gave up my career to stay at home to take care of our kids and now it seems like now he wants to bail out.All he wants to do is sleep in the bed all day and keep me isolated from everyone especially my family.I learnt how to do hair to help meet bills so the pressure would not all on him, some weeks I made $400.00,and others I made more.He started complaining about us spending time on the weekend so I slowed down doing hair. It's like I can't win for losing. I have been taking inventory on me and I do realize there are some I need to change. I am going to start losing weight, and start going out more with my friends. What else do you suggest I do
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2008): That is so selfish.Men only want sex out of women.And to
expect to be paid attention to all the time is rude.He
might as well stop expecting all your attention because he
is never gonna get it.You have kids and they are so much
more important than foot massages or any massage.You need
to leave him.I know it will be hard for the kids and your-
self,but you need to.He is treating you like a slave and
not the princess that you are.So leave him now.And don't
give him anymore sex.He's gonna think you don't see a
problem with him wanting sex all the time.
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A
female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (9 June 2008):
 It's difficult whe you don;t feel like you can communicate with someone, and don;t feel they understand where you are coming from - often this can lead to built up resentment and create a whole new set of "issues"...exacerbating the marital/relationship problems.
It sounds like perhaps both of you have given up on trying to communicate - as is seems "pointless"....in your case, he sounds very dismissive of your feelings and quite focused on his own needs.
I think the answer might be to see if you can get him to attend a counsellor with you - so there is someone to mediate thru the 'issues' - stopping things from escalating into arguments. I know that might be easier said than done given his seeming lack of care....
maybe if you broach it in a way that he fels he's attending to support you...like you want to address "your" issues...it would at least get him there...and you could se how it went???
If he won;t go maybe you could go and talk with someone yourself...that may assist you to see if there are any stragtegies you could try to improve things, OR if it might be better for YOU to get out and start looking after your own needs?? It might help you figure out what you do and don;t want??
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (9 June 2008):
 If you want to make him toe your line, pack your bags and leave him and he will cut his craps.
Stand your ground and you will get more respects from him.
Don't be like a doormat and let him walk all over you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2008): Sounds like your husband is taking you for granted, and therefore, you need to get some activities/hobbies that don't include him. Join a women's group; take a class, even if it's gardening, crafts, etc. Don't give in to his sexual advances every time. Make your own life without him and perhaps this will force him to see you differently. You need to teach him that your life is not just all about him and his needs.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2008): Has he always been this disrespectful of you? He sounds angry.
I wouldn't take such a comment or treatment from any man, kids or not... I'd pack up the kids and be gone in 24 hours, and not come back until he begged and made some serious concessions... and if he backslid I would be GONE FOR GOOD. Why would you like to save the relationship?
See a marriage counselor! Go to www.marriagebuilders.com! Or leave! This situation sounds poisonous and abusive. You don't deserve it. Please take steps to change it-- just spend 5 minutes looking up the phone number of a marriage counselor and making an appointment (he doesn't have to come to the first sessions if you're afraid to ask him to come.)
Best of luck.
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