A
female
age
51-59,
*orevergirl
writes:Married for 23yrs I met the love of my life who has been married 24yrs. We had an undeniable connection, and made love 24hrs after meeting. His first time and my first, since our weddings. We live in different states. I returned home and communicated with him 24/7. He returned home and told wife about us and he moved out. We met twice - once for a weekend together., second month I stayed with him for a week of bliss. I told my husband about my affair., and my plans to leave and move in with my new love. Right before Christmas I called my love and told him I couldn't leave my 2 children to move in with him. My children are 19 and 21 (both living st home).He sobbed and so did I . I changed my phone number and deleted all emails and Facebook. It's been almost 7 weeks. I am trying to make my marriage blossom with a fabulous husband but I can't go 5minutes without thinking of and yearning for my lover. I hear he is desperate to have me in his life and will do anything to make "us" work but for 6weeks I have had NO CONTACT. All I dream of is him. All I want is him.What do I do?How long or will I ever get over him ?How do I stop myself from wanting him every moment, every day?
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (30 January 2013):
You need to be honest about your adultery and let your husband go. You are a cheater, and a very easily persuaded (read "weak") one at that.
He will likely destroy you in divorce court, as he should.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2013): Treat your husband with dignity and respect and give him an amicable divorce and apologize for your part in the failure of the marriage and for your undignified way of ending it. You've already got the ball rolling on leaving and having cheated on him, so the damage has been done. It's not so easy to just go back to your marriage and 'make it work' now, you know! Some things you just do not ever do to your spouse. Some things cannot be undone and I think your relationship is forever poisoned because that's what adultery does to marriages. Your husband will have a very difficult time ever trusting you again, think about the consequences of mistrust - it erodes intimacy and puts barriers between people. Your other man had the right idea by telling his wife about you and moving out. He took responsibility for his feelings and was honest, made a decision and stood by it bearing whatever consequences came as a result. It's actually worse to flip flop back and forth trying to avoid consequences, and dragging your husband through a roller coaster ride (not to mention your other guy as well) - one day saying you'll leave him, then next day saying you want to stay, then next day unable to get your other guy out of your mind and second guessing.... it's a tough decision because you have to let go of the familiar. But you already started down that path and burned the bridge of your marriage. Flip flopping now is just making a mess out of this and being unfair to the two men you're involved with. I think the only decent way is to move forward and end your marriage so you and your husband can both start new chapters of your lives as non-partners, not go backward trying to piece an already broken marriage together after it's been definitively shattered.
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A
female
reader, Forevergirl +, writes (29 January 2013):
Forevergirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm very thankful for all your advice!
LACreme - you're absolutely correct.. I need to honor my marriage!!!
To the person who suggests I "ran scared" using my children as an excuse - AMEN!!! That's exactly what I did. Thank you to all of you for honestly telling me like it is! I feel much relief :)
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A
male
reader, LAcreme  +, writes (29 January 2013):
 How would u feel if your husband came home suddenly and asks for a divorce, just because he just saw an ex and a renewed spark. From your write up, you've got no issues with ur marriage. Put yourself in your husband's shoes and decide if you're being selfish or will do all it takes to respect and honour the marriage institution.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 January 2013):
 if you want to be with your lover and you have been 6 weeks without contact, your kids are grown, they will survive.
I think you should divorce and go.
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A
female
reader, Forevergirl +, writes (29 January 2013):
Forevergirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow lots of truth for me to think about! Thank you for honest comments :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2013): Why would your hb and kids want you to stay married to him and be a fake? Why do your kids get to decide who you live with and who you are married to and have sex with? What gives your kids so much power to determine things that affect you more than them? Why would your hb want you to stay married to him and faking happiness? He probably wants you to desire him not just pretend, right? But if you just don't want him then you should tell him and I bet that will change his mind about wanting you to stay.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2013): Unless you decide to commit to your marriage and promise to give 100% to love him and make it work, you will not get past this affair.
Its harder when the person treated you well. But if you are honest, I think you ran scared, security of marriage and children and giving up the life you built for thenknown.
So be honest with yourself and realise that you did not trust this man enough to venture into the unknown. So stop pining for someone you do not truely trust and love or you would have taken the step.....the kids are an excuse as they are adults!
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A
female
reader, Forevergirl +, writes (29 January 2013):
Forevergirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionR1 - thank you! I guess since I broke it off to "stay for my children"...was also to put an end to the pain my husband was in., BUT in the 6-7 weeks without my "lover" I have realized I DO NOT wanna be here - I want to be with him!
My long term happiness as well as being true to myself are what I'm digging deep to find answers for !
I can stay with my husband because it's what he & our kids want but if you ask me what I want - I want my lover and a life shared with him!
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A
female
reader, Forevergirl +, writes (29 January 2013):
Forevergirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for answering Tisha! I guess this has been dramatic for me... Someone who "never breaks the rules!" yes I got expert advice from a professional who advised me to break it off because I was acting out of lust?! I'm hoping someone will say something that will help me think clearly.
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A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (29 January 2013):
 Did you stay for your children or your husband? You have adult children who don't need you at home and would understand eventually if you left. I'm not saying you should leave your husband, but whatever you do make sure it's for the right reasons (your long term happiness) and then get the support you need to help you deal with this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2013): Technically, your children are adults. You however are not acting like one. To be an adult doesn't mean you have to continue being a "mom" to your kids. They can and probably should leave the the nest at a certain point. They can get to know and love you as a person other than just their mother. Case in point, as I get older, I find my mother is far more interesting and easy to relate to as a character, as a woman, as her own person, than as just an overprotective mom. I love her more and more with all her faults. I appreciate when she was hard on me even when I didn't understand it at the time. Being an adult doesn't mean that you have to pretend to have a relationship with a spouse who obviously doesn't interest you very much... it means you have to make a decision and stand by it. If you truly believe that means you need to divorce your husband and be with this man, then do so. But deleting a facebook page, attempting to "make a marriage blossom", and and being a stay at home martyr when your children are adults isn't being an adult.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 January 2013):
 Did you seek some counseling? You sound very dramatic without much context.
No one call tell you how long your feelings will last.
If it is this upsetting, and important to your future well-being, call in some experts.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2013): You need to "man up " (even though you are a woman) and get divorced. Your kids are already grown and adults so it makes no sense to stay married for their sakes. You should have thought about all your reason for not cheating and leaving before upu cheated and got other people involved and turned your husband's life upside down. Its too late to go backward now. You have already done irreparable damage to your hb by cheating on him and making plans to leave him. You are doing even more damage to him by changing your mind back and forth. Thats being unstable. Someone who doesn't know what they want is the worst kind of person to be involved with. You are yanking two men around. You need to finish what you started and divorce your poor hb so he can heal and move on. The time to make your marriage blossom is long gone, its too late for that now since you already cheated and halfway left him, he will never trust you again nor should he. You had an agreement with your lover and you reneged on it. That's dishonorable too. So get divorced and finish what you started
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