A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hey readers, how do you keep sex and physical intimacy fresh and exciting in a longterm monogamous relationship? I'm asking because my bf of 1.5years wants us to live together but i'm worried it'll lead to complacency and the dying down of our currently great sex life as squabbles over household chores and bills begin. He says it'd make us stronger as a couple and he wants to come home to me every day. But i think routine like that leads to boredom then to cheating for sexual excitement elsewhere, so am scared to take the plunge (even though i want to be with him forever)!My friend said regular date nights work for him and his gf, but we'd find that hard as our work schedules often clash plus i find spontaneity more romantic!How do you keep a sexual spark burning when you live with your significant other?Thanks :)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2013): i don't think you want him forever and if this is true then don't move to his house.
BUT lovers who want each-othre forever they live togther, get married and DON'T think to cheat on each other as you do.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2013): Deciding on who does what chores when and having a chart can help keep your worries in check.
It may be a good idea to have some planned dates just in case you both become very busy. But you can always be spontaneous! Surprise him a few times and hopefully he'll return the favor.
I can understand your uncertainty about moving in together and how it could cost you that sexual spark... but if you actually want to be together 'forever' it seems like you'll have to live together at some point right?
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (29 January 2013):
 Sounds like when you cut through all of this worrying about the sexual spark and the squabbles, you're not sure about this guy. You're worried that either YOU will get bored with him, or he'll not like you when he gets to know you in a more intimate way.
I say this because it's easy to keep up the sexual spark, and that's to be physically fit and active and eat healthy! A lot of reason a sex life dwindles is because of health reasons -- illness, fatigue, smoking, gaining weight, sedentary living, loss of body image, so many ways that things slip out of our fingers within the security of a relationship.
Another reason is finances and kids. When one or both people lose a job or have financial issues, or if you get pregnant, all of a sudden there's an enormous amount of energy diverted to being parents.
I say be careful with moving in together. Domesticity does not equal commitment, and it's easy to intertwine your financial situation with a guy who isn't your husband, only to destroy your finances when something goes awry. Not to mention, people who live together are more likely to have kids, which makes it even more of a financial mess.
If you do move in together, split finances and chores like roommates, not domestic partners, or it'll be you who is vulnerable. They say that two can live as cheaply as one isn't true. Do not combine bank accounts and credit cards. Do not run your budget up to the hilt and especially DO NOT support him financially when there's no security in it for you.
I don't judge anyone who moves in together, but I would never choose it, but not because of sex or squabbles. It would be for financial reasons...imagine you both buy a car because he needs one to drive to work. Imagine it's on your credit because his is bad or maxed out. So you say "our money is together anyways" and you make the payments thinking he'll pick up the slack in groceries.
Fast forward 6 months, and he leaves you and takes off with the car. You could either blow your credit on a repossession, or take a long-drawn out battle to get what you're paying for for the next 5 years but he benefits from.
Say you furnish the entire house you live in because he's waiting on an inheritance. He gets his inheritance and stiffs you with no recourse.
Like I said, domesticity is NOT commitment. It's fun to play house and "come home to you" every night, but it's not the same as having a household. I don't judge anyone for moving in together, but I never subscribe to it unless it's under very stringent conditions.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2013): *correction
"I think intimacy is just as valuable as a sexual spark"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2013): Perhaps I'm just being old fashioned or I count myself very lucky to be very in love with my partner, but I think intimacy is more valuable than a sexual spark. Both are equally important.
The nice thing about sex is that you can do it over and over again if you didn't like it the first time. I truly don't see the point in worrying about your sexual future if you are sexually attracted to this man. Why shouldn't you have a healthy sex life even if you spend more time together? One and half years isn't a typical expiration date for a good relationship...
What I think you aren't admitting in this question is that you're afraid to be intimate. While distance, tension, and drama might excite you right now, while you might connect these things with sex, I can vouch it will do little for you in the long run. I don't think you should phrase this ambivalence as a question about sexual sparks fading...it should be a question to yourself about how you feel about him as a partner...not a sex object.
Good luck.
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