A
male
age
36-40,
*litephoenix16
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for about 3 years now. I'm not sure why, but she gets upset at the simplest things and throws huge fits. I will be the first to say that I can be rough around the edges and can get annoying sometimes. But we argue constantly about trivial things. Now I am a non-confrontational type of person but she somehow makes everything into a huge argument and I tend to lose my temper quickly because of it. She always seems to make me angry and I've tried to calmly discuss this with her. Her reply to a calm gesture is more anger that I am even bringing up how our relationship is going. She never tries to change herself to better our relationship or compromise, while I have basically dropped what momentum in life I had to be with her and make her happy. I barely see my family and have just graduated college and am trying to get my life off the ground.My main question is, what should I do in this situation? I have tried to calmly reason with her. I have tried threatening to leave. I have tried yelling. Her usual response is "I don't care" and/or just gets upset that I am confronting an issue with our relationship. Any advice is much appreciated! Thanks! Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2013): Calmly reasoning is better than getting emotional yourself but it still does not validate her perspective which is why it enrages her even more. It can be interpreted as being dismissive. Stay calm but don't try to reason with her. Just calmly empathize and try to understand what ismaking her upset and repeat back to her what is making her upset to see if you understand her properly. But don't at this point offer your view or any judment on whether her view is logical or not. Only if people feel that you are making an effort to understand them will they be more inclined to do the same back.being calm but opposing, is still being opposing which will just enrage her moreThat said, someone who just cannot control their negativity and flies off the handle at everything, cannot work things out no matter if you are doing the best you can. In which case the best thing is to just break up rather than sacrificing more and more of yourself and sanity to keep the peace.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (29 January 2013):
 I think people do that because they are afraid of boredom in a relationship. They pick fights, provoke passion in people to feel alive. You can't reason with her and you will never win. If you decide you don't want to give up yet, then you need to draw boundaries and not accept her tantrums. Think more for yourself and not give in to arguments. When she raises her voice and you feel tension coming, up and leave the room. Go home or tell her to go home. Hopefully when she learns that she can't push your buttons, her behavior will change. She will either change or she will jump to a conclusion that you don't love her. Which is not true. When she can be rational and cheerful for a whole day, then reward her by a nice dinner or a treat. Ideally we shouldn't have to be trained for a relationship but if you want to stay with her this is what you have to do.
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