A
female
age
41-50,
*ittle sue
writes:Hi aunts and uncles I would much appreciate your veiws on my problem thank you in advance for reading . Ok well I have been in a very loving relationship with a wonderful wonderful man he treats me like a princess and I love him dearly .. he flew me to algeria to meet his family and to introduce me as his fiance we stayed with them for a week and all got on so well I loved them so much .. when he proposed he asked my mothers permission first (my dad passed away last year )I had a terrible first marriage my ex cheated on me over and over again but my boyfriend does everything he can to put my mind at rest and make me feel so special .. now heres my problem at the very beginning wen we had just started to date I found out that he had planned to meet a gitl for coffee . He didnt go and I didnt find out about it until we had been together for 6 months in which time I had fallen so in love with him and him me .. he cried and said he didnt know at the time if our relationship was going to be serious or not although he hoped it would so am I silly now to always be a bit jealous (my boyfriend uses to be a huge flirt but as far as wen hes with me he doesnt flirt at all any more )I feel like my ex has planted a seed in my brain that all men cheat and this one and only thing thats happened in this relationship is going around and around in my head and consuming me how can I get past this when my boyfriend didnt even actually carry out the plan to meet her .. help am I crazy !
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cheated on me, fiance, flirt, jealous, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, little sue +, writes (5 October 2013):
little sue is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much guys you have really put my mind at rest . I am going to cherish this man and stop worrying about it .I will enjoy our time together instead of ruining it with constant fear running through my veins and take every day as it comes and I am so sorry to hear about the car accident Eddie85
A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (5 October 2013):
 I am sorry to hear you are going through this. Sometimes the horrors of our previous relationships haunt our new ones.
I remember once I was hit by a car. Every time a car got close to me, in the months after being hit, it would send bolts of fear through my body. Almost like a flashback. In time, though, that sound of a car approaching didn't seem as scary. While I've never forgotten what it was like to be hit (or the sounds, the impact, and pain) I know that it doesn't happen every time. While I've never forgotten what happened, I do realize it doesn't ALWAYS happen.
In short: not all guys are cheaters, just like not all drivers are careless.
Your boyfriend didn't cheat on you. In the first stages of a relationship -- before a formal commitment is made -- there is no guarantee by either party for fidelity. That is the dating process. You see people, try a few dates and if you get along reasonably well you ask for exclusivity. Unless I am misreading your post, there was no pact and therefore his actions of seeing / flirting with other women aren't criminal and sound 100% normal. He wasn't vested in you emotionally at the time -- and my guess neither were you.
It sounds like you found a gem of a man and unfortunately I've seen many relationships ruined by fear and wreckage of the past. You will wreck your relationship, if you constantly suspect him of cheating on you. Unless you have bonafide, hard evidence, you've given us no indication he is that way.
So next time when the fear mongering thoughts start to creep in to your head, take a deep breath and remind yourself you found a good guy. Again, not all guys are cheaters and not all drivers are careless. While you don't want to put your guard down 100%, in a healthy relationship you need to trust your mate. If you don't -- you are wasting his AND your time.
Finally, if this is a persistent issue, you may benefit from seeing a therapist on your own. There may be underlying issues as to why your ex cheated on you that you might be unaware of. You may also find it useful to vent and emotionally "let it go" with a neutral party who can be there in a supportive way. Therapy can work wonders in easing the pain of the past.
Eddie
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (4 October 2013):
You’re not crazy. In fact, you’re approaching this in exactly the right way. You understand that this jealousy you feel is a result of trust issues that it’s very likely stem from your previous relationship. You also recognise that he only made this plan to meet a girl before your relationship was serious and that now it is, he wouldn’t do so again.
Our thoughts can often be irrational and we can blow things up in our minds, so long as you ignore these anxieties you’ll learn to manage them and they’ll fade in time as you learn to trust.
He is not your ex, make sure you take time out to calmly reflect on this man and this relationship and then you’ll see what you really should be worrying about and what’s just the legacy of having been hurt in the past.
I wish you all the very best.
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