A
female
age
30-35,
*liz
writes:I have trust issues and my boyfriend knows this . Once in a while I go through his messages, a lot of the time he's right next to me when I do this, either not knowing what I'm doing or just not caring. I know that I'm asking for trouble by looking through his messages, but what's done is done and I need advice.Last night I was looking at his messages and he has this friend that he's been talking to for a while and they both go to the same gym (he goes to the gym with some friends a couple times a week). I was looking at the conversation these two were having and my boyfriend said to his friend that he "wishes more chicks came to the gym. So I can f*** em." His friend said "yeah me too" and my boyfriend continued saying "We can play some basketball strip, every time I score a point, she has to take something off haha".I feel hurt, unattractive, and not good enough for him now. Is this a warning sign? He's been cheated on before and it seems to have hurt him, so why would he say this? Do you think I should be worried or what? Do I confront him about this? I don't know if he saw me and what I was doing.Advice is greatly appreciated! Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2010): Agree totally with Empty-I.
And yes, you are asking for trouble by going through someone's private messages. Stop already.
A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (25 January 2010):
 Yes you should be worried. You don't say how long you've been together; if it's early in the relationship (3-6 months) he probably doesn't see you as a "couple" yet. Men at this age, rarely do and typically like to keep their options open. If longer 1-2 years he may be bored or feeling like he still wants to be single. If you confront him, he'll know you snooped and he'll focus on that, rather than his own behavior. (That's the thing about snooping; you gotta always ask yourself what you're going to do if you find something) Might be best to say a friend of yours who also goes to that gym overheard him and his buddy talking about this subject and it's causing you to wonder about his committment. Be vague about who the friend is; or where they were at when they overheard your b/f and his buddy talking about the chicks at the gym. Maybe he'll never suspect you and it'll give you a chance to discuss.
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A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (25 January 2010):
Don't panic!First, there's a chance that he's just blowing so much smoke to seem macho and cool to his buddy. It's just not that simple for a guy, even a good looking guy, to get into jand random's pants just because she happens to go to the gym he does. Frankly, whether or not you want to believe it, generally speaking, the ladies have it easier in regard to casual sex. If you place everyone on an attractiveness scale of 1-10, and a female is out for casual sex, she can have her pick of men who, on the 1-10 scale outrank her by two points without half trying. If a man is out looking for casual sex, he can generally consider himself lucky to find a willing partner who is no lower than 2 points beneath him on that same 1-10 scale.Is this a warning sign? Maybe. I would talk to him about it. Relationships are about sharing and trusting. You have broken his trust by invading his space to which you are not entitled. He very well may have broken your trust if this is more than half serious, and isn't just machismo bravado crap for laughs between guys.Talk to him about it. Don't go accusing him, but bring it up gently and apologetically.Say something like: "you know what I do when I grab your phone right?" or " the other day, I read a couple of your messages, and I think I'd like to talk...".Just because he's been cheated on himself, that does NOT under ANY circumstances give him the right or privilidge to turn around and to it to someone else! If he's playing you, then you deserve better, and you deserve to know the truth!Try the gentle, caring approach first, though. You don't want to cause a painful drama that may come back to haunt you in various ways if you don't have to.
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