A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi !I met a guy online and dated him for a month. I thought he was serious because at our first date he asked me if I was talking to other people on the website. When I said no he said him either. Also he was asking me a lot about my future plans, that's why I thought he wasn't playing.I hid my profile but noticed he kept his active (once a week), and I didn't discuss the subject to not be the "control-freak girl" (probably my mistake).Because of that, I was very uncomfortable with him so nothing happened between us on a month of dating.At our last date I'd forgotton about it and was much more comfortable with him. Even if we didn't kiss, we were closer and had great fun.Then, I didn't hear from him for two weeks. Tired of waiting, I texted him to ask him out Saturday night. He answered he'll be busy but was free Saturday afternoon. I said that I already had plans which was true.Few days later he contacted me to know how I was doing. At the end of the conversation I was surprised that he didn't ask me out so I said to him "ok let's lay our cards on the table". He said that because of my behavior he thought that I just wanted to be friends and that I was no longer interested by a relationship. He added that he never met a girl like me before, and that he felt like I was too good for him (different social classes) .The next day he texted me again "why did you wait until now ?"... So I understood that he was already dating someone else. I checked his Facebook profile and noticed that he added a new "friend" who liked almost all his pics. When I "googled" her I found out that she was on the same online dating site.After that, I expected that he was going to mention her or at least say "let's be friends". Three days later he contacted me to ask how I was doing. Then one week later he texted me again for the same reason. So I asked him straight out "why do you keep in touch with me ?". He said that there was no reason to lose contact because he likes me and thought that I Iiked him too. I answered that I didn't want to be a plaything and even less a back up girl. Also, I explained to him that I was distant when we were dating because I knew he was still active on the website... that's why I was uncomfortable. At the end of my message I wished him good luck. He answered hours later that I was wrong about his intentions, but respect the fact that I didn't want to talk to him anymore, and wished me good luck too with a ";)" .I deleted him from Facebook and deleted his phone number too.Was I just his back-up girl ? Or was it all my fault ?P.S : sorry for my poor English.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 April 2013):
 I would vote for 3 months and you know if you are serious or not about the person you met online.
I think OP that you do need to relax a bit, I think that talking to others on a site is different from being active on a site.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you very much k_c100 I'm learning a lot from your advices.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (4 April 2013):
 It is obviously just personal opinion, some people may feel 6 months is realistic and others would disagree. I wouldnt wait 6 months either, to me by that point you should be exclusive and fairly committed to each other. To me personally I'd want to be exclusive within 1 or 2 months of dating, depending on how many times you had seen him in that time. If you were seeing each other multiple times a week then within a month you should know if you are exclusive or not. However if you only see each other once a week, and perhaps had a gap where you didnt speak to each other for a while, then I'd say you need to wait a bit longer before you can expect to be exclusive.
Your mistake in this was to talk about who is speaking to who on the first date - yes he brought it up, but through your naievity you thought that when he said he wasnt talking to anyone else that meant there and then you were exclusive, so obviously you were disappointed to see him logging onto the dating site. But the fact that you logged on to check up on him shows you were still on the dating site too, double standards here methinks!
Next time, if a guy brings up talking to other people or a similar subject, just take it with a pinch of salt and dont expect too much of them. Expect that they will be talking to other people and dont get upset if you see them logging onto the dating site, then once you have seen plenty of them then you can start to think about having the exclusivity conversation, but not before 1 or 2 months of dating.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes I think I have a lot to learn about online dating, but waiting 6 months to become exclusive seems pretty much unrealistic to me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2013): Lets not play the blame game.. What's done is done, my mother would say, come sit have tea and cake and lets talk this through.. Most people on dating sites do keep their options open, especially men ..what you need to do is .. Be yourself .. But also keep your options open.. That doesn't mean you sleep around or anything like that .. It means you have fun dates, maybe a little kiss at the end . With the prospect that they liked you enough and you them to arrange another date.. If they don't then it's their loss.. If your asked again so early are you talking to anyone else, say yes I am some are just friends, some are very interesting.. If you notice them on when they say they aren't message them 'boo' haha .When it gets to the stage normally after good 6 months of dates and telephone calls etc, then you become exclusive and close the accounts together .. A first date.. Is not a commitment .. Have fun on your dates, don't get bogged down with labelling the relationship.. Honestly if I guy thinks your interested too much they will run for the hills.. Be sweet, flirty, sexy and elusive.. Don't tell him everything about you .. Keep him guessing a little .. And be safe .. Always meet in public . Do not give him your address home number etc until well into the relationship.. And above all take care sweetie..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"As for why he still kept in touch, he obviously liked you but you got too complicated and too needy to actually pursue romantically, and because he had the other girl in his life he technically couldnt pursue you. It may well be that this other girl was supposed to be the 'back up' girl while he was figuring out what was going on with you. When you put the final nail in the coffin by telling him you didnt want to keep in touch, that was when he ultimately will have moved on".I would like to add that he string me along for more than ten days. He knew he has a choice to make but didn't make. I told him to not contact me anymore because I felt like he was hesitating, and thought that if he really liked me he will not hesitate one second. I like when a guy fight for me and do anything to be with me. I don't like to feel like I'm just an option.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2013): I definitely think you over-reacted, as long as you are not exclusive, you shouldn't have hidden your profile and you shouldn't expect him to hide his profile either.
A reasonable thing to do was after date #3 ask him realistically where he thought you 2 were going, and had he said he was really into you & wants you all to himself etc, THEN that would've been a good time, to take yourselves off the market and off the site.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you k_c100, you are right !
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (3 April 2013):
You asked him if he was 'talking' to other people on the dating site, he answered no - so perhaps he was telling the truth. Being 'active' on a dating site is very different to 'talking' to people, logging on once a week to check your messages and have a quick browse is a very different matter to talking to women through the site. There is a chance he might have lied, but then again if he only logged on once a week that is not frequent enough to maintain a conversation with a girl so I would presume he was telling the truth. However you will never really know on this one, it could have been a lie, it could have been the truth.
As for why he still kept in touch, he obviously liked you but you got too complicated and too needy to actually pursue romantically, and because he had the other girl in his life he technically couldnt pursue you. It may well be that this other girl was supposed to be the 'back up' girl while he was figuring out what was going on with you. When you put the final nail in the coffin by telling him you didnt want to keep in touch, that was when he ultimately will have moved on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2013): Thanks for your answer.
I was confused because at the first date he asked me if I was talking to other people on the website. I said no and he said him either. That's why I was astonished when I saw him still active on the website, it was like he lied to me.
At the end why did he keep in touch with me ?
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (3 April 2013):
I think it was more your fault I'm afraid, but it was an honest mistake. With online dating 99% of people on these sites date multiple people at the same time, until they meet someone they really like and then it becomes exclusive. It would be incredibly rare to meet someone who could decide after the first date that they want to be exclusive. So I think it was a bit foolish of you to expect him not to be seeing other people at the same time as he was dating you, and when you backed off from him he clearly thought you were not interested so took the other girls he was dating more seriously.
After a month of dating if you hadnt even got close to him and kissed him, he will have taken that as a sign you are not interested. Ok so you dont have to sleep with him, and you were right not to, but kissing and fooling around would have at least let him know that you wanted more than friendship. If you add this onto his fear that you were too good for him, it is easy to see why he stopped contacting you and moved onto someone else.
If you are going to carry on with online dating learn your lesson from this - 99% of guys you meet will be active on the site for at least a few weeks into dating you, it doesnt mean you cant trust them or that they are messing you aound. So if you like a guy and want to be more than friends, make sure it is clear. Dont sleep with them, but dont be afraid to kiss them either and make sure the guy knows that you want more than friendship from him.
Once you have been dating solidly for at least a month and you are in constant contact with each other, then you can start having conversations about exclusivity and removing your profiles from the dating site - but dont expect them to not be active on the site before you have that conversation.
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