A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have what most Mum's would regard as a great relationship with my daughter. She lives a five hour train journey away, visits maybe twice a year. For financial and other reasons I've not been able to visit her this year, but usually I would and intend to next year. Her father has never offered financial or emotional support to either of us and we have no other family - my original family were abusive towards me and now have all died apart from very problematic siblings that I've no contact with - so bringing her up has been an enormous effort and I've had to sacrifice a lot of my own needs to make sure she's okay. I basically was unable to develop a proper life for myself because I was determined to break the cycle of abuse put in place by my parents - I put her needs first. It meant I became trapped in an abusive relationship with a partner, in jobs I hated and made me depressed and with few friends - this is from very early twenties up til today. I'm now in a fairly good position but it's 'touch and go' whether I will be able to fully turn my life around and get a full and rewarding life - I've always studied hard and have a 'toe' in the field of work that I love being in, but it's only a 'toe'.I recently paid for her postgraduate programme because I want her to be happy and I believe that study can be majorly rewarding. She agrees with this and loves it. I am by no means wealthy and actually worried in the extreme about my financial situation, had to get into debt to pay for this. She knows I'm worried about my own future but not how much debt I got into, but I told her not to feel guilty because it really and honestly is important to me that she is happy and she loves this study. She knows that I love her and I see how safe this makes her feel and I find this very rewarding.However, I've been seriously ill - stress related - for the last six or so years, with the last two years being hellish and my health not good prior to that, meaning that I only have a part-time, temporary job contract. After I split from my ex partner, who was abusive, I've not been able to move on properly due to my ill health. Really a lot of the time I;ve been very isolated and house-bound. But my health is now improving due to reduced stress. I work minimally in a field that I absolutely love and I want to get more work in this field. My health is still not great but improving. I am also trying to improve the quality of my life and I know at my age it's late in the day but I'm trying to understand what gives me pleasure and how I can build pleasure into my life on the few means that I have.Before my daughter went back to her home after spending Xmas together, I asked her for one thing: please could she text me back when she receives a text from me. I text her maybe once or twice a week, and 'phone her roughly every two weeks, talking for about an hour. Although I have problems, I in no way use her as a counsellor - we chat about both our lives and it;s more like two sisters chatting. I do sometimes try to engage her with a specific problem I may have - she's 26 now and I don't feel that it's wrong to discuss some problems with her - like if I've tried to make a friend and it hasn't worked and I'm confused about why. She engages up to a point, but the basic message is "it's your life, you have to sort this out". I find this a bit odd because I've never burdened her with any of my problems, I feel like I'm just trying to get her to see me as a person beyond just being her mother.It's not that I expect her to take on my problems, but I do often feel that, after everything I've given to her for her happiness, she is just used to me providing and in me saying to her "don't feel guilty", so she doesn't. And I honestly don't want her to. I suppose I always hoped that she would naturally care more for me and it's not that she is uncaring, but sometimes I wonder...she seems so very cold and uncaring in some moments. But I was like a servant to my own family's needs and I'm aware that I never wanted her to feel like a doormat to others so I never ever pressured her to feel guilty about putting her own needs first. I seemd to have not anticipated that this might include not caring for me when I am really ill.Often she does not respond to a simple text message from me - I know this doesn't sound much but, if you are feeling really very physically ill and very low, a simple response is all that's needed just to perk you up a little. When it doesn't come, you feel worse. it really frustrates me and then really gets me down that she can't send a one or two word response. It got to the stage that, just before she left after having had a lovely time with me over Xmas, when I had to say to her "please respond, or if you can't respond, just send me a "!" meaning, I will get back to you". She promised she would.New Year's Eve, last night, I was suddenly very ill, so sick I could barely move. This used to happen to me all the time and I used to despair as there was no-one to look after me and I'd feel frightened - my daughter would sympathise by 'phone but not really do anything at all. As she lives far away I can't really expect her to, I suppose. I texted her mentioning I was ill but kind of joking about it, but just having a quiet night in and I hoped that she would go out and have a lovely evening with her boyfriend. No response. And today, no "Happy New Year's" message. This has happened before, many times, where unless I send a message I won't get one in return. I still feel ill today but it's wearing off. Is it right that a daughter doesn't acknowledge her mother's illness? I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue over four years ago now and she knows this. We've discussed it but she in no way, for example, would ever consider coming to see me just to help me. I recently had no choice but to move home to a complete dump and, even though I was ill, had to do a lot of the physical work myself because I couldn't afford the help. She had planned to visit with her boyfriend but, because my flat was not live-able in, I paid half the cost for them to stay in a nearby hotel. Neither of them offered to help me at all. They had visited because her boyfriend was involved in an event here, but it is also the only time he's been to this city and she wanted to impress him with how nice it is - at the time she said she was hoping to persuade him to move here, but now she says although he loved it, he won't move because all his family are where they are. He has a huge family and she has none except me.I know for sure that she would have come back to live in this city after graduating, but she met him and fell in love. Coincidentally, he has is own flat - or rather it's his parents - and she pays no rent, although she has offered. She finds it hard to cope with the kind of job she does - it's retail and she gets very stressed by the subservience involved - and part of me offering to pay for her to study part time was so that she could work only part time and reduce her stress. She now says that she is happier than she has ever been. I did not point out to her straight away that this is the most unhappy time in my whole life - I've literally been suicidal as a result of the split from my abusive ex and being so ill without any end in sight and am waiting to see a counsellor for this. I don't know what to do. My mother was abusive towards me and my priority always was to never, ever treat my daughter in the same way. I've never had much, but have always put her first. Even from childhood, most decisions I made for her would be after discussing with her what she wanted and needed. She's not spoiled in the sense that there has never been much to 'spoil' her with. I know that she struggles with feeling like she hasn't 'earned' things like her rent-free situation, I know that she would very easily struggle with feeling guilty if I brought up just how cold I sometimes feel she is towards me. She knows I prioritise her happiness and now she sees that this is important because she's seen that I did not do this and my life is now a mess. There's literally no other family member who she has ever seen care for me, no one to 'copy'. And of course because there's only me and her as family, anything and everything between us gets 'magnified' in her mind.I don't honestly know if I'm justified in feeling this way, my feelings are quite messed up anyway due to the life I've had. Another thing to say is that a couple of years ago I was extremely bad health wise - I mean, really, really ill and I could not psychologically support her on one occasion - she had a habit of phoning me very stressed about her work and releasing all her frustration and anger about it, even when I was ill, and I would calm her down and we'd talk and she'd feel better for a while - one time I was so very ill that I couldn't do this and I thought she would understand, Unusually for me I had to go on holiday - sounds crazy but I'm not good at travelling, I get very frightened - and I was 'phoning and texting her from the airport worried that she had not called to wish me a good holiday - I rarely ever get any - and I became more and more distressed throughout the holiday as she simply wouldn't answer me. When she did finally answer she said that she felt in our previous 'phone call that I was no longer her mother because I seemed like I didn't care about her. She was so very angry - really I was shocked. I also felt guilty because I encouraged her to see a college counsellor during her undergad because I was aware that she has been exposed to a lot of my ex's abusive behaviour towards me and this had made her unhappy - although he never was abusive towards her it wan't a nice atmosphere for her. I couldn't leave him at that point because I literally was starting to be so ill and could not cope with the stress of the jobs I had to be in to support her.We talked through why I had seemed to not engage with her need for support during that phone call - and she seemed to understand that it was only because I was very ill and just couldn't do it. But that memory has stayed with me, I can't shake it off. It really hurt me so much that she didn't seem to see me as a whole person, didn't care that she was spoiling one of very few holidays that I was going on to try to improve my health. I don't know what to do. If I show any anger towards her I will feel awful and I think she would just back off entirely and stay put with her boyfriend. And whilst I'm on that subject, I got no 'thank you" from him for the presents I sent to him. Also, he gave me a gift this Xmas that was dirty - I mean a household item that still had dirt or a kind of gluey substance on it from being in the shop - it's a tiny thing but because I don't really know him and I'd spent a lot of care with his presents I found it actually disrespectful. He makes little or no effort to know me at all but the two times I have seen him he's been very gentlemanly and sweet, just not very 'grown up'. What would other parents do? I am not sure if this is just 'normal' or if I'm actually being manipulated in ways that neither she or I really understand or have acknowledged...I have a history of letting people walk all over me, this is why I seem to now flag up small things, because I'm trying to not let it happen in future.
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debt, depressed, fell in love, move on, my ex, on holiday, text, trapped Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (3 January 2014):
 I am glad you reached a conclusion. x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2014): Thank you everyone for your responses, but especially Foot-In-Your-Mouth - it was very helpful to hear a young person's perspective. I do feel that a big part of the problem has been my daughter literally not having any example set for her by other people. Probably because I have brought attention only to this issue in this post, it may seem like I overly-focus on it and on her more than I actually do. I don't look to her to provide my happiness at all - but am now thinking that perhaps I should just expect to be treated differently by her. I have no intention of financing any major aspects of her life from now on!!
Again, many thanks, I honestly appreciate your time spent with this.
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (1 January 2014):
 I'm afraid my response won't be of much help because I'm probably closer to your daughter's age and it would be difficult for me to place myself in your shoes. What you wrote made me very angry and desperately sad at the same time. I think you're a wonderful mother. You're a lot like my own mother who lives in a different city a few thousand miles away but I call her about three times a day (a bit too much, perhaps) and meet her whenever I am able to at least her to to stay with me for as long as she can manage. I'm 30, my mother is 67, but my life revolves around her. She's my best friend, my greatest comfort and the best person I've met. You sound a lot like her...the kind of person who has always put her daughter first. I can't really think of a solution. I'm angry with your daughter for being so selfish and thoughtless. I have sleepless nights when my mother is ill so I can't imagine not texting back if my mother texts me. Well, blame it on the Indian obsession with family! I just want to ask you to put your happiness first and stop letting ANYONE take advantage of your kindness. You've done enough for your daughter. Now it's YOUR turn. Take care of your health, do what gives you satisfaction and try to manage without her, even though I know it's heart-breaking to even consider such a thing. But life isn't fair and who knows that better than you!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (1 January 2014):
I read your whole story and it does seem you have had a tragic life which is culminating in a tragic outlook on the future.
I am around your age, I have two kids who I have supported through university (one more than the other because of circumstances) I had to get out of a 'less than perfect' relationship. I also live alone and have been through many health concerns including heart surgery. There have been times when I have not been able to help the kids and I have told them so and they have accepted it. I also only help them if they are helping themselves, because that is one of life's lessons.
One thing I don't do as their mother, is allow them to take advantage of me but neither do I hold them responsible for providing me with happiness.
Sometimes they can be thoughtless, because they are young adults who are still caught between setting up lives of their own and still needing some support from me and sometimes I come off worse lol, but I don't keep score, I absolutely do not let them push me too far and sometimes I 'bite back'.
It's clear you have had a bad time, but you seem to have given up on your life and are pinning your hopes on how your daughter treats you...You should keep the two things entirely separate as you are responsible for your own happiness and 'happiness' doesn't necessarilly have to cost money or even having other people make a fuss of you.
I make my own happiness, I grow my own veg, I write, I visit friends and I have a few other hobbies.
You may have done too much for your daughter and you might have indicated to her that you don't mind if you get nothing back, when the truth is you do mind very much.
If you think she's taking advantge, then stop helping her. Tell her you got to get yourself straight this year...cos if your ship sinks, there won't be nothing left.
She probably keeps her distance because she thinks you are a bit of a drag. She's young, she's 'out there' albeit with massive help from you, she's a little selfish because all she has seen is you making saccrifice after saccrifice and she's loving the help but not enjoying seeing you throw yourself on the flames over and over and being such a martyr. It's also making you ill and you are allowing that to happen because you won't say no to her.
Loads of kids go to university and cope well enough on student loans...why can't she? She is living rent free so why can't she fund some of her own education or put it on hold until she's earning enough to pay for it herself?
I get that you want to give her full advantage, I have done it for my kids, but to the point of making you ill??
Whatever happened to you in the past, it seems you are now out of that situation, so look for ways to empower yourself and meet new people. Move your life into a new area.
You say you are working on the fringe of a career you love? Why not get yourself on a training course to get further into that job. If you are really really busy and moving foward, it will be a great example to your daughter and perhaps it will mean you have less time sitting around worrying about what your daughter is doing.
It sucks that she lives so far from you, had you thought about moving closer to her?
I don't want to be so tough on you because I can see you feel vulnerable but the bottom line is that YOU must hake your own happiness...ALL OF IT with no exception and any pleasure your child or anyone else gives you is a gift and not a right.
I wish you well and hope you find a way to reconcile your feelings. There is always another way to help yourself, no life is without hope and even less so if you take the bull by the horns and make positive changes for yourself alone.
Good Luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2014): It seems you have invested heavily - both financially and emotionally - in your daughter with the intention of ensuring you have a good relationship and she has a good start in life. However, you also now have an expectation that she behaves in a certain way and find that she is not living up to your expectations in some respects. I am a daughter (not a mother) and am 41 years old. Having read what you have done for her financially I would say that she needs to stand on her on two feet entirely regarding her finances from now on and that if she has a long term partner then he needs to support her in that way. You have an open door in front of you now but you are not walking through it - still trapped in this relationship with her based on need. It is time to focus on your own happiness before your life disappears . Your focus is way too much on your daughter and I am being cruel to be kind when I say you seem to have been a bit of a door-mat. I don't think that paying for everything for your children gains their respect so its time to respect yourself more as you have given too much and need to put something back into your own energy - no wonder you are run down. Joining social groups local to you to make new friends, developing your own hobbies and interests. Moving on from the past. Wait for your daughter to ring you and be less needy. You can still express how much you care and of course you are there for her but you need to build a busy and fulfilled life for yourself. Once you start making these changes you will get your self esteem back and can look at the situation with a much healthier perspective.
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