A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I never thought I'd resort to asking online, but I realize what I really need is an outsider's perspective on the situation. I'm bisexual, btw. Basically, this summer I started going out with a woman and although it was fun in the beginning, when I went back to university it became something darker, and has caused both of us a great deal of stress. I tried to break it off with her at the end of the summer, because I knew I couldn't do long distance with someone I'd known only for a month or so. Just for the record, she was also very aware of this, and she never wanted anything beyond a fling in the first place anyway. But when I tried to break up with her, she reacted quite angrily. She said that she'd never felt this way about someone before and she swung between being angry at me and begging me for another chance. I half heartedly decided to go along with it. Now, just a bit of background on the time we actually spent together: she's very masculine, almost transgendered in some ways. She absolutely does not like to be touched, to which I was like OK, but then later on she complained that I hadn't touched her in the right ways... please keep in mind that this was my very first time being that intimate with someone, and I had no experience. Also once when we were lying together, she told me that her ex girlfriend was 'better', at which I naturally got quite hurt, but she said it was because her ex was more experienced, which is true, but there's nothing I could have done about that. Also, and this is a bit embarrassing for me to talk about... she was quite 'rough' with me in bed. I explicitly told her not to, um, bite, but she did anyway, and didn't even apologize. Like I said, however, this was my first time. I had nothing to compare it to. The really weird thing though, is that she didn't take her shirt off during sex. I pinned this down to her transgender body issues (even though she still identifies as female) but I felt a little... I don't know, cheated, maybe? That there I was, completely naked with this half dressed woman whom I wasn't allowed to touch, but who was allowed to touch me however she wanted. Apart from those things, though, I enjoyed spending time with her. But we never talked so much, and so I naturally didn't feel the emotional connect required for a long distance relationship to survive and yet when I went back to uni I was too scared of getting that angry reaction from her again, so I said okay. Then started the really long messages and emails. She would message me constantly, and expect me to reply all the time. I got very irritated, because my uni life is hectic and I'm usually busy. It was a very common, almost daily occurrence for my to check my phone and find a string of 5 or 6, or sometimes 10 or 12 messages from her. It's often felt like she's just rambling to herself- in fact, this is exactly what talking to her on the phone feels like. She never pauses to hear the other person's opinion, she just goes on and on and on in the most boring manner. I know I'm being critical but it really got to me. The more annoying thing is the way she blamed me for not replying, even though I told her I could only do a proper messaging session only once a day max, and couldn't afford to text 24/7. She also got very touchy about just about everything. I know she's insecure, and she admits it too, but she gets downright angry when I say anything that is a reference to the fact that I'm bisexual and am also attracted to boys and more feminine girls. And sometimes her moods just felt a bit polarised. One day she would be rambling about how depressed she is and how I don't reciprocate her love (yes, by this time it had gotten to 'i love you's) and the next she would call me wifey, which just really freaked me out. Once when she got angry at me for not replying to her messages for a day and calling me a terrible partner, I told her (truthfully) that I was busy trying to find a home for a lost kitten, and that I was looking for someone to adopt it. She replied with 'We'll adopt it' and a kiss emoticon, which again really creeped me out. I don't know, maybe I'm being oversensitive here, please tell me if I am. But I just found that reference to us as a married couple kind of disgusting. But the creepiest was when she sent me a picture of what our baby would look like. You know, from one of those websites where you enter the photos of two people and it gives you a picture of what your kid would look like. I genuinely felt sick after seeing that. I didn't express it, because by this time I was really starting to wonder what on earth I'd gotten myself into, and still I was too scared to call it off because of her potential reaction. Whenever I told her bluntly that I'm just not that romantic a person and I can't show that kind of commitment to her, she called me a callous, indifferent girlfriend. When I said, 'so why don't you go ahead and dump me?', she swung into pleas. Oh, and she knew that I had trouble sleeping, and that I had to keep my phone on at night for the alarm, but I'd asked her not to message at all hours of the night. Yet, I sometimes woke to messages such as 'May I wake you early? I want a good morning kiss' or something like that which really irritated me. It's one thing when she sent soppy messages like that during the day, another when it was at 5 AM. I did try to break it off in the middle of the semester once again, but this time her reaction was even worse, I guess because we'd been 'together' for a bit longer. A lot of 'f**k you's followed from her side, a lot of name calling, and she insisted on speaking to me over the phone. I would call her from the UK (she's in another country) just to hear her ramble again on the phone, and many times she was just silent on the phone, and when I asked if I could hang up she just angrily replied 'No'. After this second attempt at breaking up with her, I knew I had to get out of this mess. Whether I really was a callous indifferent bitch and hurting her, or whether we just weren't on the same page, I knew I couldn't go on any longer. Fast forward to the Christmas holidays. This time, I delivered the ultimate attempt at breaking it off through an email. The reaction this time still scares me when I think about it. All three of my inboxes- my facebook, my phone, and my email- were flooded with messages from her. On my phone I got a long string of messages, the first half pleading with me not to end it, and the second half abusing me explicitly. That day I was jetlagged, so went to bed early, and when I woke up in the morning the newest message on my phone was 'hello you fucker. ignoring me, are you? If you don't reply I'm going to land up at your place as soon as I get back.' That was the first time I felt scared- actually scared- of her. I've managed to evade her thus far, but I've promised to meet her tomorrow to end it once and for all, but I'm feeling nervous about it and would really rather not meet her at all. But I understand that she probably needs closure, and that I should have been bold enough to end it long ago. I can't deal with another chain of hateful messages. I mean, maybe she's right and I'm a cold, heartless person but I just can't deal with this anymore. The minute I agreed to meet her she sent me another chain of 5 or so emails about how depressed she was, and how bad my timing is, and the pain she's going through. I admitted to her once that I have trouble expressing my feelings, and in this email she wrote 'the pain i'm feeling is blinding me, and that's why I spoke to you like that. I've experienced a lot of pain, but I never seem to learn. I wish I could be like you so I could at least be free of the pressure of expressing this pain.' That last part really ticked me off, because finding it hard to express my feelings does not 'free me from the pressure' of doing so... what sense does that even make?!! Anyway. I'm sorry this has been so long. Thank you for taking the time to read it through. Any insights are much appreciated.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (1 January 2014):
 DO NOT MEET THIS WOMAN.
I cannot stress this enough. Under NO, repeat NO circumstances do you meet up with her. She is extremely self centred, violent and dangerously unstable. She may not have hit you yet, but make no mistake she IS violent.
When was this meeting supposed to take place?
It's not closure she's seeking, but the chance to physically corner you and wear you down and, failing that, hurt you if you stand your ground.
You must take steps immediately to secure your safety.
Inform close family and friends what's been happening. Then contact the police for advice. Gather up evidence of her numerous texts, phone calls, and emails. Keep everything. You can take a screen shot of the emails and such if you need to clear up space.
Change ALL of your passwords and security questions to something she can't figure out. I mean all of them; email, social networking, banking, utility accounts you access online, everything. If you use VoIP phone service set up your account to have phone messages sent your email and save them as wave files.
Block her from being able to call or text you, but you can keep one seldom used account somewhere she can reach you. You do NOT respond. Ever. No matter how tragic or life threatening she claims her circumstances to be. What we want is for her to have the means of further hanging herself while giving you a way of keeping your finger on the pulse.
Please understand that you cannot reason with this woman. Courtesy and compassion are nothing more than weakness to a predatory mind such as hers. The only thing she will have any respect for is strength. You must show no fear, be as selfish as she is (with her only) and totally unapologetic. Show no concern for how she feels. I know this must sound alien to you and it goes against your beliefs of how to treat others but this is really the ONLY way to reach people like this. I'm not suggesting you attack her or be intentionally cruel, but to make it clear that you care about YOU and not her. Think back to your previous dealings with her. When you seem strong and uninterested in her, she becomes conciliatory. When you're patient, or reasonable, she becomes aggressive.
When you cancel your plans with her, do it by email and don't wait around for a response. Say something like:
'I've decided that meeting with you is not in my interests. We have already broken up and I have no wish to see or hear from you again. My family and close friends have been made aware of you and your behaviour. I have kept logs and copies of all the emails you have sent me and will use them if necessary.'
OP, I'm sorry to frighten you and maybe this will all come to nothing, but don't underestimate your enemies. Pray for the best and plan for the worst. And the tougher and more sure of yourself you sound, the easier she'll be to deal with and the sooner she'll leave you alone.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (1 January 2014):
 I agree - you should NOT meet with her. If she was sending abusive messages and flooding your inbox and all that, she's disqualified from getting to talk to you.
You are not responsible for her closure, and any attempt by her at making you feel like you are is manipulative. She's not after closure - she's after meeting you to assuage her ego and possibly get you back into the toxicity. Trust me - she is TOXIC.
We are responsible for our own closure. If you're scared of her and she is now stalking you, it's time to tell her that things are over, that this is the last time you will be talking to her, and that you want no more contact. Then block her emails, phone calls, texts, everything. If she continues to act out, then go to the police/courts and get a restraining order. What you should NOT do is meet her, alone, out of town.
She has some serious issues.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (1 January 2014):
First of all, this was an extremely well written question.
Second, you owe her NOTHING! She has a ton of issues and she's got to be the one to deal with them, it's not your responsibility. Besides, if you were scared of her at some point then your own issues require attention, specifically you need to forget about her and eliminate her from your life.
Third, by failing to break up with her at the right time, you did bring much of this upon yourself. So, I don't think you were being over sensitive, you were just dating someone well after the relationship was over.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2014): Why are you meeting with her? She's abusive. You should be blocking her,defriending her, NOT speaking to her in any way and filing a restraining order if needed.
Closure? What closure? I call bullshit. She's bullying you into seeing her so she can bully you into staying with her.
What do you do? Have some ovaries! Tell her it's over, forever, there will be no meeting, and if she continues to HARASS you you'll call the police. Then follow through. And then, don't ever be someone else's doormat again (and yes, that's exactly what you're being)
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (1 January 2014):
 It would be a waste of money to travel to her. Don't do it. Do you think she would be there to get closure. No she would be trying hard to suck you back in. You don't have trouble expressing emotions and you are not cold. You know what I was told the same thing because I couldn't nurture someone 24/7. I didn't want to make myself miserable.
She said she's going to land up at your place. I think you could stop her by making her feel that she has no power over you. You could tell her you find her to be an emotional wreck, selfish, manipulative and in no way suitable for a relationship. Tell her, don't come. She would only get more humiliated if you have to get other people involved to restrain her.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (1 January 2014):
 If you feel threaten scared uncomfortable I would suggest not to see the person transgender girl lol. I would suggest you not play with people too you know people act so innocent and when we dig deeper we find out you are not the víctim but her just of a different persuasion. I wouldnt think it a problem if people want closure I never have but I dont understand it really. I at on time had a jamaican girl feel she needed closure so we I guess had closure and some chicken lol. I would weigh out if you feel you need to have closure with her at this time maybe later is best like when you take meat out of a working refridgerator you cant just cook it right away it must be thrawed out if you know what I mean. Oh too are you a crossdressing man or women just noticed certain things that lead me to believe you are and where and is trans yourself.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (1 January 2014):
If you feel threaten scared uncomfortable I would suggest not to see the person transgender girl lol. I would suggest you not play with people too you know people act so innocent and when we dig deeper we find out you are not the víctim but her just of a different persuasion. I wouldnt think it a problem if people want closure I never have but I dont understand it really. I at on time had a jamaican girl feel she needed closure so we I guess had closure and some chicken lol. I would weigh out if you feel you need to have closure with her at this time maybe later is best like when you take meat out of a working refridgerator you cant just cook it right away it must be thrawed out if you know what I mean.
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