| A
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: My mother is constantly having a go at me and I honestly don't know what to do. I feel like I can not cope any more. I am on the brink of breaking, I have my A levels coming up which are a constant battle to keep up with, i'm trying to fit in and always fear I have peer pressure, financially i feel like i no longer have money to cover basic makeup. My mother nags all the time about dirty towels and such unecessary things, we dont have a relationship like other mums and daughters whom i am jealous of. It seems like i can do no right, she shouts and screams almost every day, I end up in tears almost every day. I just can't do this anymore.
View related questions:
jealous, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, LovelessAct1  +, writes (30 December 2011):
I agree with So Very Confused.You gave us a small few paragraphs of info to go on and claim that we don't understand the whole situation when we try and give what advice we can? As the other user said, if there is more to the situation, then PLEASE TELL US! The only way we can really help you is if we know the entire story.And no, you don't need to suffer in silence and no one is judging you; we're giving the most rational feedback we can give based on the little information we have.Even if there is more to the story, my previous advice still stands: First, everyone fights with their parents at your age. There is no "perfect" mother daughter relationship. Even if you think others have that with their parents, its definitely not the case. It may look perfect from the outside, but I guarantee their homes are full of arguments, yelling, and tension. Second, be more lenient with her. Unless she is acting completely irrational (which again, based on what you've told us, I don't see it that way), she only wants everyone to live comfortably.Again, you're at the age of independence, yet are forced to be dependent upon your folks. Teens absolutely hate it when parents ask them to do something, even if its something minor; trust me, I did. I felt as though I was being nagged about everything little thing I did or didn't do, and it honestly felt terrible. But years later, I looked back and realized how outlandish I was being in my treatment towards my mother who only wanted what was best for me.So again, no matter how little we understand the situation, as long as there isn't some form of emotional abuse going on as a result of your arguments, I still vote that you should work a little harder to understand where your mom is coming from and do what she asks of you until you're old enough to be on your own financially. Then you can make your own rules.I honestly wish you the best of luck.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 December 2011):
 I responded based on what information you gave.Your response to my reply does nothing to change my statements.Perhaps if you had given more information such ashow you help around the housewhy the fights about the dirty towels (and the fact that you had just done 3 loads of laundry and she still was being unfair because you, let's say, missed a dirty towel) etc. the answer would have pleased you more...You getting all bent out of shape because you did not explain yourself well is a bit dramatic.I was 16 and did not get along with my mother or father. Teens never do. BUT if it's MORE than typical teen/parent angst, then MORE details would be in your best interest NOT the "oh see you don't get me you're judgmental I'll never ask for help again"
...............................
A
female
reader, Rebeccaa  +, writes (30 December 2011):
 Your not the only one at all, me and my mum fight all the time, if im fair my mum can be quite lazy and unfair sometimes, she always uses my bedroom as a place to put things if theres nowehre else to put them, and leaves them their untill she can be bothered to move theml, however she works alot. I also cant get a job there are no jobs available which i can do, because if their were believe me i would do it!My sister is so ungreatful! I do everything for her, and she appreciates none of it! She is a lot younger than me, but i always try to love her and she hates it and shoves me away but when it comes to somone running around for her its not my mum or her dad its me but shes never greatful for it but i still have to do it.All the best xx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers but you don't understand. It is much more than just mere arguements. I referred to cleanliness and makeup as examples. And 'So Very Confused' I come to this website often for help and i have never been judged as you just have to me. I am not a spoilt child, I help around the house whenever I can I am always there for my sister helping her out. I can't get a job because of the economy cut backs not because of laziness. Just because you are a mother doesn't mean you can judge. Now i know why teenagers get a bad repuatation because of judgemental people. Obviously asking for help was a bad move for me. I'll suffer in silence next time huh.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011): I have exactly the same problem with my mum. Me and her end up in a screaming match almost every night. But hear are a few tips to help;
1) Try and maintain a tidy-ish bedroom, therefore eliminating one of the arguement topics. Also it does help to keep it tidy and will help keep you organised especially if you're coming up to exams
2) Peer Pressure: Forget about it. If you have to try to impress people to fit in, they are not worth impressing. It is horrible when you have to try and fit in. I, for example, love sports but all my old friends hated it. SO i joined a sports club and made new friends. Rather than trying to fit in with people, find people who fit in with you
3) Calmly expain to your mum what you feel the problems are. Being open and honest with her may can some conflicts but at least then she knows how you feel. If it ends in a screaming match, then try again. Eventually she'll have to listen to you
4) The basic essentials? If you don't have enough to afford make-up, so what? If you keep a good skin routine nad a good diet, you will only need perhaps mascara, eyeliner and concealer. Remember you don't need the best make-up, just stuff that works
5) Don't give up hope and don't shout back. Honestly she will know exactly what you're going through so talking to her about it may help. Just try and help around the house as it sounds like she is very stressed as well so help her to chill out and it will help you. As you're growing older you will be expected to take up bigger responsibilities.
I know it's hard and a very stressful time but seriously, just relax yourself, be considerate and remember to have fun!
...............................
A
male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (29 December 2011):
"we dont have a relationship like other mums and daughters whom i am jealous of"
No one has these utopian relationships with their parents, even if they pretend they do. Everyone fights with their family, especially at your age. Its the age of independence, yet you're still dependent on your parents, which causes a lot of tension.
The best advice I can give is to be more lenient towards her. If you move out at some point in the near future for school, you won't need to deal with her anymore and you can feel free to make your own rules. Until then, you are in her house and are forced to get along.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011): What can you do and what are you doing that is good and right?
Please write that to us.
We will always be faced with struggles. What we need to learn is how to cope and deal with difficulties.
When stress gets too much, do you go for a run? Go somewhere quiet? A library? What do you like to do as a past time that brings you happiness and joy? Shooting hoops? Drawing?
Where is somewhere you can go that is your special place, free of Mom, School peers? Can you ask a relative for such a place you can retreat to for a few hours a week?
Also is there a school counsellor you can go to, to speak and vent out your feelings. Being you are female; we females tend to need someone we can trust to spill out anything and everything we feel when stress is overwhelming. We feel better after such occasions and can think better and function better. Its how our natures work. You need Validation, to be heard, that in itself will go a long long way in your coping, dealing, healing which is what you are in need of.
Fit in. I don't think anyone really feels or believes 100% they will ever or have fit in anywhere, especially in the teen years and in school.
Life changes after school. Its a bigger circle of peers and the wants/needs/expectations change as the peers mature. Granted there will always be the superficial, shallow people and apathtetic people.
But you don't have to be either of those or worry about fitting in with those unhappy lot.
Sometimes, all a person needs, is one good friend. And to have a good friend, one needs to be a good friend.
MOM
Sounds like Mom is unhappy, stressed and has become emotionally abusive. What do you think is having her react in this manner? Towards you? Was she always like this or this something that developed over time?
What other relationships do Mums and daughters have? Who are you modelling this after? Because of my teen daughters peer groups, I am the ONLY Mother that seems to be what my teen daughters peers wish and hope for. Two teens with 10+ peers on each side and they say that? So we are an oddity in compairsion. And its not fair to compare.
We sometimes have to be thankful for what we have and not focus so much on what we don't have.
How many youth in the world today would be grateful to have a home, a bed to sleep in, a safe place from perverts and abusers, with Mom in the home? COUNTLESS.
Doesn't excuse Moms emotional abuse but when we are often hurt, angry, we spew out what we feel at the moment so when you wrote this, you were deep in Mom is a tyrant.
So how is Mom today? Does Mom suffer any disorders/health issues? How are finances?
Please give us a day to day account of your everyday so we can better assess how to deal with Mom.
Sometimes understanding what makes another unhappy and stressed and picking up on Moms triggers and mood- just tell her flat out, not sticking around to take this abuse. Be back later. And head out to a friends, a relatives while she is in that mode. Do it enough times and she will learn, you will NOT TOLERATE Such behaviour.
Thats all I can give at this time. Hang in there Kiddo.
*hugs*
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 December 2011):
your mom nags about dirty towels and other "unecessary" things.
what about dirty towels is she nagging you at 16? if it's a dirty wet towel left on the floor in a heap for her to pick up.. well then YES she's RIGHT dear one.
as for basic money? do you have a job??? or do you expect mom to cook, clean, support you and NOT nag you and raise you properly?
...............................
A
female
reader, sweetnsour  +, writes (29 December 2011):
Hey, i get what you mean... but sometimes mom's are like that you cant help it. Yes, it might b possible that you and your mom does not have the same relationship that others have. Honestly to say the truth no relationship is the same, it does have something or the other that you cant see.
Your mom must be doing all this to teach you something, on how to manage yourself. Apart from your school life try to give some time to your mom and help her out, i am sure there might be some reason behind all this.
You should try talking to your mom, or may be you should try proving yourself that you can actually do things so that she does not shout at you all the time. I hope you understand what am i trying to say.
...............................
|
