A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I have been dating a guy for almost 2 years. He has been friends with a group of people for 15 years (he's 31) so since high school. His brother is married to one of the queen bee's in the group. My boyfriends ex girlfriend (dated two years) is the other queen bee in the group, these girls are best friends. From the beginning, I felt really uncomfortable whenever I was in a group setting with them. The guys all think I'm great, but the girls don't seem to like me. I'm a very social and happy person and I've only encountered this situation once before. In the other case, it was jealousy. After an exchange of some unkind words between the ex girlfriend and I, I've been purposely excluded from all group events, cookouts, parties, weddings... The two queen bee's decided I was out... so I'm out. Now, I was very courteous to the ex, she was very condescending (she's much older and uses her education as a way to challenge me), very rude and specifically tried to make plans with my boyfriend when I wasn't around. I ignored it for some time, but then I couldn't take it. I mentioned it to my boyfriend, and he mostly ignored it. (I don't think he's interested anymore, just wants to regain the friendship they had). He finally wanted me to talk to his sister in law (ex's best friend) to help clear things up. She was nice at first but then ignored what was going on. So, here it is, 18 months later and the sister in law is 100% against me. She's brought up little things I've said over the year and twisted them to make me look bad. (I told her I liked her red shirt, and I wished I could borrow it, she told everyone I went on and on about how much fatter she is than me). it's been 3 months since I've been chastised by her, and we've gotten to simple friendly talk at the two family get togethers. My boyfriend recently acknowledged that his group of friends has a hard time accepting anyone new, and that they usually put the new comer through some trouble in the beginning. So, before this upcoming wedding, my boyfriend wants me to make good with his sister in law. He says he understands why I wouldn't want to be friends with his group after all these games, but wants me to try to deal with his sister in law. So, what I want to know... she demands I come to her and apologize for all these things I didn't say. Supposedly, all will be forgiven then. Even though I've contacted her before with out luck, I'm willing to do it once more. Question is, what do I say?!?! I'm trying to kill with kindness... I'm going to email her to meet up and talk about it. Any words of advise? Please? Thanks for your time and advice~
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best friend, ex girlfriend, jealous, sister in law, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (6 August 2009):
 Hi there,
Here is my suggestion - why don't you throw a party? That puts you more in control and they can see that you enjoy their company by being personally invited by you. They do some like pretty bitchy (sorry) women, but it's great that you're still trying to make the effort and not fighting their attitude with attitude right back. Keep staying your happy, social, positive self, no matter what crap they put you through. You'll shine, especially to your fella.
So, get a BBQ in the words for next weekend, and start inviting. When you call up the sister in law, you can either apologize there or you can ask her if she'd like to come out shopping for the BBQ with you so that you can talk in person.
I don't think you actually owe an apology, but this is one of those times that I would grit my teeth and give her the apology she somehow feels she deserves. If somehow, this will magically cure things, it may be worth it to buck up and say what she wants to hear. Don't let it come off sarcastic or not genuine, perhaps practice in the mirror some!!
Good luck! Sounds like these guys are a handful!
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