A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for many years and I have children. I have fallen in love with another man and the other man feels the same way about me. How do you make the choice to leave your marriage? I am not happy with my husband. I keep hearing everyone tell me how great a guy my husband is, how good a father he is etc. etc. and that I should stay with him. That it is the right thing to do. Right for the kids and so on. What about what's right for me? In my heart of hearts I know I no longer love my husband. I love this other man. Is it right for me to stay in a marriage I am not happy in and with a man I no longer love to make everybody else happy? I have not slept with him for over a year because I am totally disconnected from him and have no attraction whatsoever. We have not shared the same bed for at least two years. I have sacrificed my happiness for a long time. I did not expect it but I fell in love with my good friend. Do I walk away from that to stay in a loveless, sexless marriage for the sake of doing what's right for everyone else except me? So that I don't look like a mean, selfish bitch? I keep hearing I will break my husband's heart and my children's and that I must try harder in the marriage. I have been to counselling and we have been to marriage counselling. I am afraid I can't get it back. My husband knows that I don't love him but does not know there is anyone else in the picture. He is making me feel guilty for how I feel and is constantly pressuring me to spend time with him and find the spark again for him. I have been told I should stay for financial security and because I made a commitment to him for life and that I must honor that commitment no matter what. I have heard it all. I know with certainty and have known for a long time that this marriage was over long ago and I have been staying for all the wrong reasons. Can I continue to live the rest of my life this way? I could use everybody's help.
View related questions:
fell in love, spark Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2012): I think everyone encounters this at some point in their marriage, but I think your husband is really trying to make this work, you even said he's good with the kids, and that he's trying to help get that spark back in your lives. What I gather is you've given up, and although he's trying, and you're not. Marriage is hard. Things can get in a way of the good things in marriage. You have to remember that once upon a time, you were madly in love with him, and you WANTED to get married to him. Think about why you fell in love with him. Can't you get that feeling back somehow?I always think people are too quick to exit from the escape route. And believe me, you don't know what you've got until its' gone.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): Eddie hit it right on the head: you bailed ages ago. Of course u don't want your hb now that u have "your good friend" who has replaced your hb. In your bed as well??? I agree with Eddie: u are wasting your hbs time. As u said he is a good man and everyone thinks so as well, u just don't appreciate him and u don't know what u have got until u lose him forever.
Hun, u are not a victim. U want out to be with your new lover, so go. No one is stopping u. Yes u are extremely selfish but if u have made up your mind to destroy your marriage, home and kids lives, I will not say anything to stop u.
Is "your good friend" married/divorced/single? Will he take care of your kids? Will he become a proper decent father to them? Finances? Will he provide for u AND your kids? Will he nurture your kids? Love them? Or does he just want u to keep his bed warm? Big difference!
Op if u have chosen not to sleep with your hb for over 2 yrs and u have replaced him already, u did not bother to do proper counselling then what else is there to say. Its really sad that u have hoodwinked your hb for so long. He is trying dammit but u don't have the decency to tell him about your other man. Does the counsellor know this? No wonder counselling has failed: its bec u took your lies into the counselling sessions. Yes divorce your hb. He deseves better. So much better.
Hell its time he started to get some action as well: just as u have been getting it in the sly from your friend. A good decent man is a gem and if u cannot and won't give up your other man, then allow another faithful woman to love your hb. After all what is good for u should be equally good for him.
So yes divorce your hb. Go to your new man. Your kids will survive. Your kids will know the truth and well, the kids may just be happy that their good dad has a chance to make a proper life for himself. Bec with all your lies, your disrespect and your cheating ways, you have struck the final nail into your marriage coffin.
LoveGirl
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): OP you are not trapped in this marriage, you are choosing to stay. You need to get rid of this victim mentality, and take responsibility for following through on what you believe is the right thing to do, even if it means taking flak from others. Don't try to be a crowd-pleaser, because you've been doing that for far too long and look where it's got you.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (28 January 2012):
 As long as there is another man you can't focus on the marriage. Have you been having sex with the otjer guy? you are wasting your husbands time. You bailed out of the marriage long ago/
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 January 2012):
 Either way you are screwed. But honestly, I think you need to look at the future. Can you stayed married like this? Will That really make your child happier? Personally I don't think so.
However, I don't think it's ever a good idea to walk from one bed to another (or relationship) You need to divorce your husband, get on your own two feet, then once you are stable on your own, look to date someone new.
Staying married is not really fair to your husband either, is it?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012):
Ampersand said it best:
"Lets put the other guy aside for a second and simply focus on your marriage; as I don't feel this other man should have any bearing on such an important decision."
Forget about this other guy. That's a distraction. Do you want to stay with your husband or not? It's sounds like not. So what's stopping you from leaving? Other people, or the fact that maybe deep down you feel guilty and know that other people may be right - that at one point you deeply loved your husband?
With kids involved, I strongly advise you to take a break from the distraction (other man) and tell your husband you are not in love and feel like you might want to leave. See what he says and how he feels. Take it from there.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): Who are the 'everbody' you speak of? Counselling- what did you get from it?
You went to counselling and you are still in a dilema if you should stay in your marriage or not? WHAT?
How does that happen? How did you convince yourself to stay AFTER counselling?
YOu can't use everybodys help because everybody told you to stay. Do you hear yourself on that one?
You put the choice on others and then listen to THEM and then complain that you are unhappy.
Get some balls and make a decision yourself.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (27 January 2012):
 I must defer to aunts with greater experience than me, but I must say that I don't envy you. Whatever you do, something will not be right.
...............................
|
