A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 24 years now. I met my wife in college and she is my very first girlfriend. I went on a few dates with other women before we committed to each other, but nothing even as serious as a good night kiss resulted from them. I was a late bloomer and never confident around women. It was only around the time I met my wife that I was regularly flirting and started to see that women I found attractive like spending time with me.My wife was a dream woman to me. She was educated in the areas I was not so she always had new and interesting things to say. She was trained as a classical ballerina and she was very fit and athletic whereas I was sort of the skinny geeky guy who read a lot of technical papers and studied science, math, and engineering. I felt at the time that it was a really good yin/yang opposites attract sort of thing. Also, her family was all successful and college-educated compared to my family where I was just the 2nd person to attend a 4 year university let alone a prestigious one. With the exception of her dad, who is sort of distant to everyone, they all accepted me. To this day her sister calls me the brother she never had. So what is my dilemma? My problem is that over the years my wife has become more distant and difficult. She quit her job about a decade ago and claims she is "still searching" for another one. I don't see any sign of that. We don't have kids and it is not really clear what she does with her time. She went from very fit to quite overweight because she drowns her sorrows in ice cream and doesn't want to exercise anymore. She says she is too embarrassed to go back to dance classes (or yoga, pilates, the things she was excellent at) because of her weight and it depresses her. She says she needs to work out at home first to get down to an acceptable weight but that doesn't happen. However, her weight doesn't bother me except so far as it bothers her and impacts her health. She has trouble shopping for clothes now, for example. Otherwise, I really could care less, because we stopped having sex about 18 years ago anyway. By stopped, I mean stopped completely. That bothers me, but only because I think it is an unhealthy symptom. I got over the actual lack of sex a long time ago now. So whether she has washboard abs like she used to or looks pregnant all the time like she does now what does it matter? If anything, it makes it less likely someone will want to hit on her. I have to say that when she was young it was a constant battle to tell guys to buzz off and I don't miss that. Over the course of our marriage we went from partners who shared our lives together to this weird sort of dad/daughter relationship that we both despise. She has to take an allowance from me (because she doesn't work) and she really does not do her share of the household chores either. I am constantly having to ask her to take care of things as if she is my teenager and we argue about it. I don't mean I ask her to do my things (I do my own laundry, I do the dishes, etc.) but her own things like picking her clothes up off the floor in the bathroom. Worse, she has developed this sort of OCD where she gets upset at me if I do my own laundry (or vacuum or whatever) during times when I am able. She says it gets on her nerves. I work all day. I can't work around her schedule. If I back off she says she will take care of it the next day but she never does which ultimately leads to me forcing the issue when I, say, run out of clean dress shirts resulting in a huge fight about what I consider something stupid. This is me wanting to wash my own laundry mind you, not making her do it - but she complains about the noise, the heat, the vibrations, you name it. Over time, I have become very successful in my career and I have to admit I am embarrassed for her. People ask what she does for a living and I usually say something about "freelance work." I don't dare invite any colleagues to our house to see the squalor and clutter because when I did I got comments like: "But isn't she home all day?" Even she said: "Yes, everyone knows I am a bad housekeeper. Tough." My relatives have figured out what is going on and stopped asking to visit. She doesn't care because she says she feels judged. To top it off, her mom has dementia and requires a lot of care over the last couple of years. She requires a lot more care than our other three parents combined. Her mother has also become quite nasty as she is losing her independence. She uses her mom as an excuse a lot, but it is only the last couple years that her mom needs that care and this has been going on before that.I have to say that I feel trapped by my marriage. I think my wife does, too. She is obviously depressed. She used to drink a lot to cope but she managed to quit which is great but she says it leaves her without an outlet. She won't exercise like she used to (her other outlet) and now she pretty much takes everything out on me. She has driven off most of her friends. I think that somewhere underneath is the woman I used to love but that was a long time ago. Meanwhile, I feel like she is drowning and taking me down with her. I am sort of at that point where I am starting to be more concerned about drowning myself than saving her. It feels selfish and I would feel horrible if she hurt herself (she talks about it sometimes.) I cannot keep on like this, though, and I feel like the most unlucky person in the world to have a marriage like this. When is it time to call it quits?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2019): Clearly your wife needs medical care. She has old age dementia running in her family and that manifest itself many years ealier in the form of depression and agressiveness. You could of course walk out on her and let her battle it out alone but that will be too cruel and cowardly and clearly you are not. Try to make her see a therapist. This is definitly for doctors to fix.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2019): Okay first of all I think there are wrongs on BOTH sides here. You both need to compromise and have much more open communication if you care at all. I will start with the wrongs on YOUR side because I believe that is what you have most power to change (your own actions). Then, if you make an effort hopefully she will see the example and follow suit.
First, you say you don't judge her for the weight (because you aren't actively having sex, BUT your comments imply that if you WERE having sex, you would care about the weight. Is this why she feels non-intimate with you?
18 years ago WHAT stopped you both from continuing intimacy? Was there ANY discussion on the reasons? Who stopped first? Did you never ask to continue sex? Did you not want it? People don't just STOP- there has to be reasons and discussions. If neither of you discussed this at the time I am simply floored. I get that attraction lessens with time, but that is just ridiculous to wait 18 years to explore the issue why it stopped completely. And that is on BOTH of you.
"Over time...I have become successful and ...I am embarrassed for her"
Are you actually serious? You are embarrassed because she doesn't have a job? You do realize that people's value is NOT their job. Your meaning in life is not a job. Your qualities, intelligence, kindness, have nothing to do with employment. MANY women and even men do NOT work outside the home and I don't understand why this is "shameful" in your eyes. When you are at the end of your life, will YOUR job be what defines you as a person? I think and hope not. Your wife must sense (or maybe you have told her) how you belittle her because she doesn't work, and this in turn must depress her. And, by the way, just because you don't work doesn't mean you have to be a housekeeper or slave for your family. She can absolutely be bad at housekeeping and still have a very full life and busy life. I think you put WAY too much value in your work. You get some ego rush for being financially successful and well regarded in your field, but at the end of the day EVERYTHING in life is futile, your work included. We are mortals and what has value in the face of that? Just being a good human.
And the comment about giving her an "allowance" - really?! As someone else remarked, this is NOT your daughter and btw you are married, your money is all one in the same- you should be sharing as much as needed. She is your WIFE- under the law she has half of everything you have, that's how it works. Don't like it, don't get married.
I do get that she doesn't help out as much as she could in some areas, but I think you need to realize that organization is just not one of the things she is good at. SHe SHOULD be willing to let you wash your own clothes though, if she won't do it. That is unfair on her part.
As for her depression I wonder how much is caused by you looking down on her and being "Embarrassed" of her. Don't think she doesn't know this. She does.
It seems like your wife is crying out for help, even threatening self harm, but you just distance yourself as far as possible.
I would advise some couples counselling, but it seems that you almost don't care about her anymore. So sad. You should have much more open discussions and you both need to change your perspectives if there is any hope in this marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2019): Omg , poor poor ... woman . My heart goes out to her . She is clearly very depressed . She is caring for a mother with severe dementia for the last few years , is unemployed and likely dealing with stigma from society over that, is struggling with her weight is dealing with a husband who clearly has little compassion , has overcome alcoholism and through all this she still continues to survive and continue to go on
I truly hope you can find it within yourself to seek outside help that can help you to deal with what you see as your personal hardships and to perhaps find some compassion for this woman you claim to love . A gratitude journal may also be a great idea for you so that you can celebrate all the wonderful things in your life ... your successful job , your health and a wife who is obviously a strong woman
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (5 November 2019):
I’m sorry but I’ve rarely read a post from anyone who sounds so utterly miserable, and who can blame you?
If what you say is true, it sounds like only one of you has been putting any work into this marriage for a very long time. She isn’t helping financially. She isn’t helping domestically. No sex in 18 years, really? Are you really okay with that or did you just get made to feel like a bad person for wanting it? And to top it all off it doesn’t even sound like there’s much of a friendship left either.
Are you honestly in this marriage for any reason other than the feeling that you are bound by a commitment you made to her?
Your wife is clearly depressed. I’m glad that you are focussed more on drowning yourself than saving her, because hopefully it will help you see that it’s not possible for you to save her. We can’t save people because we love them. We can guide and encourage them. We can help them with ideas and suggestions. We can hold their hand when they need some strength, or face things that are difficult for them. What we can’t do is fix people that are broken.
I’m afraid that you are enabling your wife. She’s got no reason or motivation to change, even if that reason is fear of losing you. That’s because, whatever she does and however much of a punching bag you become, you’ll just take it.
It’s time to be clear with her that things can’t go on and that walking away is one option that is genuinely on the cards for you (it has to be if you’re serious about making things better even for yourself). Explain to her the depth of your unhappiness. Explain to her the constant criticism and pressure you are under make you feel. Explain that you understand that there are reasons why she is this way and that you are trying to understand and support her, but doing nothing isn’t an option anymore. I think she could benefit from a visit to a doctor to identify if there is depression (it does sound like it), and couples counselling where you can both have a safe space and controlled environment to talk candidly to each other and be guided and supported to do that.
You’ve got no kids. I don’t know how you both feel about that, and whether that’s part of the problem. But regardless, that being the case, it gives you the huge luxury of time that many other couples in trouble don’t have. She used to like dancing? Could you go to a dance class or something together? What other things did you used to enjoy when things were happier? If she needs her husband at her side to start facing the world and getting out there again, you can show her that this is possible.
The hardest thing for you is that you can do and say all the right things, and nothing changes. So, here’s the brutal kicker: you need to have a timescale in your head as to when you need to at least see some tiny steps from her. If that passes with nothing, you’re probably going to have to walk away for your own sake.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2019): Wow. So I'm hearing that your (at least) 40 year old wife gained weight since her ballerina days. She's depressed. You give her an 'allowance' (instead of you know open access to a share account), you set her chores and then find it weird when she's annoyed by that and you're so embarrassed that she doesn't have a job that you lie about it. She has a very ill mother that she cares for and you call this an excuse. And you think YOU'RE unlucky.
If you're wondering why your marraige is down the pan, you might wanna look in the mirror man. You lack any compassion or understanding that your wife is a human being and not a trophy for you to parade. I hope she finds happiness soon.
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