A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have just ended a very toxic relationship and am sufferring badly, so any help and advice is much appreciated. It's a long story, but in brief, I had an affair with a man who, at first, I thought was wonderful. We connected deeply on a physical and emotional level, or so I thought. I was in a relationship. Toxic man pursued me relentlessly regardless. He told me a lot about his life (difficult childhood, struggling with broken marriage, misses his young daughter, financial worries). I wanted to help him, protect him, love him, make him happy. I felt sad for him. He told me he was in love with me. That he thought I was an incredibly special person. That he wanted a woman like me in his life. I started to feel the same thing for him. It was intense.We started a physical relationship. I felt so guilty I ended my relationship. Then, very suddenly, toxic man backed off and went very cold. I was so unbelievably hurt and confused. Suddenly he was saying stuff like, 'I love you but it was not to be I love you.' I was crushed. Suddenly he wasn't the man I thought he was. The suggestion that something very special was going to happen/happening between uswas pulled from under me. I found it difficult to cope with.I tried to get him to talk to me, to explain how this sudden about turn had made me feel. He was reluctant to converse with me, which made me feel quite upset and resentful. He started telling me I was 'mad' and 'needed help.' In the end I was so confused I started to believe him. I began to aplogise for my behaviour. When we talked he seemed very laisse faire and nonchalant. He He told me that he was 'borderline genius' and 'on a higher plane to most people.' I told him this was very arrogant. I told him a few home truths. How I was completely shocked he could go from being so loving and full of flattery to being so cold and disinterested. He told me he just 'rolls with the punches in life.'I did not want to believe that he was not the man I thought he was and so engaged in some very out of character behaviour, destorying my self-esteem in the process, trying to get him to show me that he cared, that I could've been reallyy good for him etc...it almost did send me mad. I tried no contact for a while but always caved in. I was always the one trying to salvage the fantasy that he initially allowed me to create by giving me such a false impression of himself. I went through hell breaking up with my partner (so did my parter) although the realionship was on its way out anyway, toxic man showed not one ounce of remorse, understanding or compassion for me, or the situation. In fact, he seemed to enjoy the pain it had caused.The times I tried to talk to him, he often sounded bored and yawned a lot, preferring to talk about hinmself instead. We fell out. He told me again I was mad and that he couldn;t handle my mood swings. I tried to explain that these mood swings were triggered by his hot and cold behaviour and lack of compassion and understanding. And also by my desperate attemps to get him to care about me and realising every time that he didn't. This is a terribly self-destructive thing to do to yourself, trying to get somneone to care about you when really they don't. i knew I was doing this, yet felt I needed his love so badly. I wanted to collect what he'd given m3e the promise on in the beginning. I began acting crazy, becoming everything he was accusing me of being. I decided to go to see a counsellor to try and understand how and why I, someone who has had good, healthy relationships in the past, no real dramas, could have got involved in such a mess. I am a balanced person, level-headed, calm, sensible! How had this happened!??We had no contact for a while but again I caved in. We met for coffee. All the things I wanted to say to him abandoned me when we met and I ended up apologising again for myself. I left the meeting feeling utterly defeated, filled with self-loathing and misery. He on the other hand, seemed happy and care free, untouched by any of it. I realised then that he has narcissistic tendencies. All the while we were sitting in the coffe bar, he constantly laughed at/critisied, and mocked other people who walked by. It was ugly. He constantly asked me what I liked about him so much, and I would tell him, therefore massaging his super ego. This was something he did throughout the whole of our tinme together.A few days later he broke his arm and felt very very sorry for himself. He asked me to call him and i dropped everything to support him (!!! I know, I know, crazy). I gave him a lot of love, told him not to worry, I would help him, to be positive and good things would happen. He responded well and sounded almost sorry for what had happened between us. He said he wanted us to be friends. I called him a few days later, as a test really, to see if he too would be there for me (regarding a work issue that was stressing me out) when I needed him. He ignored my calls and sent me a short text saying 'don't worry about it.'I knew then that I was never going to get what i need, want and deserve from this man. Ever. The pain of this realisation still stings.He told me time and time again that he cared so much, that he loved me, but his actions( or lack of) betrayed him. It was more than I could stand. It sent me over the edge almost and turned me into a moody, needy, wreck with low self esteem and my dignity on the floor. A trick he often did was when we were on the phone he would suddenly sound all bored and disinterested; instead of saying I have to go now, he would simply hang up - just like that! Then when I would get all mad and upset he would say, 'what did I do? It was a bad reception! You're nuts!' But unlike normal people (who may experience reception problems) he wouldn't call back or drop a little text saying 'oops, lost the signal' or whatever. Things like this slowly eroded my sanity and self-worth.The last time he did it, I went nuts and said 'stay the F%%% away from me.' And told him he was too blind to see that I was a good person who could;ve been everything to him, but that I was not going to try to get him to care anymore.We have had no contact since. I fell in love with a fantasy, albeit one he led me to believe could potetially exist - and I wanted to believe him (my bad). I made some terrible mistakes throughout all of this and have acted so out of character - which is one of the most difficult things to come to terms with. I want to scream - I AM NOT LIKE THIS! I AM NOT THIs mad crazy person! But it wouldn't matter, he wouldn't believe it. It makes hinm better to believe that it is all everyone else, never him. He probably hasn't even considered his own behaviour in any of it.Toxic man has no concept of his actions or behaviour or the effect they have on other people. I realise now he is incredibly selfish, vain, self-centred and shows narcissitic traits. Grieving for the man I first though he was has been sssoooo hard. I wanted to love that man. He seemed so lovely.I want to like myself again after laothing myself so intensely. I want to get over it. I want to stop thinking about him. I want to stop wanting him to want me. I hate the fact he has images of us being intimate together. I gave myself to a stranger when I thought I was giving myself to someone who wanted to love me. I was such a fool.The pain is often so great it takes my breath from me. The counselling is helping. But it's taking time. I know I made mistakes, I know my own behaviour has been bad at times. I take responsibility for that. I guess every action has a reaction.Please, any help or tips on how I can free myself from the grip of this despair? And from him forever?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): Hey hun
I read your post with my mouth open wide, as it could have been written by me! Everything you said, every feeling, describes what I went through for a year.
Ok so my ex wasnt as bad your toxic guy, but your reactions to how he treated you and the way you felt about it all is exactly how I felt too. And to anyone who doesnt know what it feels like, believe me it is utter hell.
It all started when I met a guy and really fell for him. He too was lovely and promised me the earth. He said he wanted to move in with me and have children. I couldnt have been more happier. He then went cold, really moody and distant and I have a feeling he cheated on me. But rather than dump him like a normal person would, I went into desperado mode and clung to every little shred he would throw me. I was constantly trying to show him that I was the woman for him. Constantly trying to get him to show that he cared. I would even created fake facebook profiles to spy on him and text him from other numbers pretending to be women to try and catch him out. He fell for it hook , line and sinker which only added to the pain I was already feeling. I would pretend I had a new amazing boyfriend to try and make him jealous. I would drunkenly message him on facebook declaring my undying love for him. And with the little contact he would make with me, I would be so nice to him and apologise for everything. I was a total stalker. It took up all my energy, its all I ever thought about. In the end I thought i had gone crazy and tried to find information on psychologists in my area.
It has left me with absolutely no dignity and no self esteem. The thing is, like you, I was not that sort of person and I had never done anything like that before. In the end, I just started the no contact rule and have been doing it for 3 months. I sometimes get the urge to text him or whatever but I just do something else instead.
I know this is a little late to reply but I would love to know how your doing now and whether the counselling helped you. Although I have freed myself from the crazy things I would do to him, and Ive even met someone else who I like and am starting to date, I still feel very humiliated and a little hurt still about the way he treated me and how I reacted. Im wondering if counselling would help me deal with this.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2011): Thanks to everyone who has replied to this. In particular, Honestman, helpful links.
I intend to keep the no contact rule. I have deleted his number so I won't be tempted to text or call. I am trying to be strong. Yet sometimes I am gripped by such sadness about it all that I have to stop what I am doing and sit down, catch my breath. I am grieving for someone I know doesn't even exist. Still, I am grateful at least that the affair was only relatively short-lived. I can only imagine what pain and emotional sufferring these types of people cause to those in long-term relationships.
Occassionally I find myself questionning myself )was it all me? AM I irrational/mad/unhinged? Am I the one who needs help? I have to keep reminding myself over and over that it's HIM, not me. Though it's hard.
Sadly, it is inevitable I will have to see him at some time as I teach a dance class in the fitness studio where he works. I will leave it as long as possible. I do not want to see him; I do not want him to have the pleasure of seeing me! I am not sure how to act if I do see him. I am scared, if I'm honest. I intend to act as if he does not exist. It's all I can do. The closure has to come from me. I know now it will never come from him.
Thanks again. Your words have helped me so much.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (4 April 2011):
 Feel very very lucky that you escaped this man, he has a very destructive and dangerous personality and he most definitely is not who you think he is.Seriously you should read the links that honest man posted because that will tell you exactly what you were dealing with. You cannot reason with narcissists because they are not capable of relating to other peoples feelings and the reason you feel so destroyed and devestated is because HE did that to you on purpose.You, my darling are a very very fortunate woman and some special force is watching over you.ou will regain your strength and you will move on and eventually meet a nice normal man who loves you and cares about you. Toxic man will never be anything more than he is now because he is mentally unbalanced...you just tripped into his world for a while...but now you have escaped and you are most definitely wiser.
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A
male
reader, honestman  +, writes (4 April 2011):
Sorry if this might get long.Read my words: RUN AWAY FROM HIM NOW!"Then, very suddenly, toxic man backed off and went very cold."This guy has mood swings, which are not typical with narcissists, but are more typical of Borderline Personality Disordered guys. Please read more about it here:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorderOne day he loves you, and the other one he hates you, or you are nothing to him."In the end I was so confused I started to believe him. I began to aplogise for my behaviour."That is something called blame shifting... which is a skill almost all borderlines know how to master. You start blaming him for something he really did, and the all of the sudden, he makes you think that is was YOUR faut that he made that mistake. That is so very typical. +I know this, not because I have a Borderline girlfriend, but because I have a Borderline sister. She is expert in manipulation, just as this guy you so passionately want."He told me that he was 'borderline genius'"He also admits and knows himself that he is a Borderline! Please, trust him in this one. He already told you he is a Borderline. Yes, borderlines can be charming, very intelligent, and all that. But those are traits to lure their victims into their life. Do yourself a favor, and apply a no-contact policy for once and for all. Change your email, change your phone number. Delete or block him from facebook, MSN, and any other things. "destroying my self-esteem in the process"That borderline in your life also seems to have narcissistic traits, as some borderlines have. They really don't care about you, nor your feelings at all. The might say and make you feel like if the do care about you... but PLEASE TRUST ME, THEY DON'T GIBE A DAMN ABOUT YOU! In the beginning of the relationship, they make you feel special, and they appear to be as the best catch you have ever had in your life. You really feel so very good that you were so lucky to find him. The firs months of the relationship come with steaming hot sex, incredible conversations, unbelievable promises, gifts. It might look like if he is Prince Charming or Mr Right. Trust me, this is deliberately designed by them to lure you into a trap! It's a trap! Most of the stuff he says are lies just to keep you with him. Once you buy the image he tries to sell you that he is the best thing in the world... then the hell starts. "I could've been really good for him!"Really, I KNOW that you could be the best thing for him. But trust me, you will only suffer for the rest of your life if you decide to stay with him. You need to find a GOOD MAN, not a borderline. No borderline will ever be a good life partner with you, NEVER. These guys get WORSE over time, and don't have any feelings of regret for what they do. You are a valuable woman, please don't spill your life into this guy. You are wasting your time. Run away for good!"toxic man showed not one ounce of remorse, understanding or compassion for me, or the situation"And he will NEVER HAVE any compassion, remorse, or understanding. No borderline will ever have that to you. They don't really care about you. All they care is about them and their lives. They make everybody around them suffer. This guys have childhood abandonment issues. So with any person that enters their lives, they think that they are going to abandon them. So they start putting tests to them, each test even more hard and difficult as the one before that. They test you to see if you will ever abandon them. Once they break your mind, and you decide to abandon them, they think "Ajam, I knew she was going to abandon me". This is a self fulfilled prophecy. All the nasty things he has done to you, were just tests to see if you will abandon him. Please, ABANDON HIM NOW, or else your suffering WILL BE ENDLESS!"I began acting crazy, becoming everything he was accusing me of being."Yes, that is called gaslighting. He will confuse you, and mess up with your mind. Read more about this kind of abuse here:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/GaslightingYOU ARE NOT CRAZY. You are just with the wrong person. You are being told you are crazy, and you have been told so many times that thing, that you are actually believing it."I ended up apologising again for myself."Once again, this is blameshifting. He makes you feel guilty for things you didn't do. Borderlines are MASTERS of manipulation. It is up to you to stop with this crap for once and for all.Listen, you sound like a very good girl. I personally would kill [metaphorically] for a woman that took so much care about me, and gave me the kind of affection you are willing to give. I'm sure there lots of guys out there who think the same as I do. You deserve something better. You deserve happiness. BORDERLINES ARE DOOMED TO BE LEFT ALONE FOREVER unless they seek help and get treatment. The bad news is that 99% of borderlines NEVER get better, even with treatment. They are also bad patients. "I hate the fact he has images of us being intimate together."Well, you need to get used to the idea that this guy might release this pictures... or even blackmail you! Please, be ready with your attorney to sue his ass up! Also, don't worry if your pictures get on the web... there are billions of porn pictures out there, and really, most guys won't care who you are, nor even your name. So stay calm, NOTHING wrong is going to happen if your pictures leak. But if you allow this piece of crap to blackmail you with the pictures you'll ALWAYS be part of his stupid mind tricks and torture. STAND STILL. BE BRAVE. "Please, any help or tips on how I can free myself from the grip of this despair? And from him forever?"Keep going to your counselor, keep a no-contact policy FOREVER with him. Get a puppy if you need affection. Go out with your friends. Do things that you like. STAY ALERT FOR BORDERLINES AND NARCISSISTIC GUYS OUT THERE. Read more about narcissism and borderline personality to stay always alert. Help with charity, go to libraries, bookstores, have the time of your life, rebuild your self-esteem. And some day in the near future, you'll find a NORMAL guy who will be able to reciprocate your affection.I hope this helps!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): i can relate to your pain as i am going through a same situation.Not sure why men lie.But I do know God can forgive our mistakes and our stupidity and the only one that can help our wounded soul is Jesus.
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