| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I'm a woman and for some reason, when I have a boyfriend, he's enough for me and is all I need. It has happened to me that when I have a boyfriend I stop fantasizing about other guys, I even stop looking at other guys, it's not something forced, it just happens naturally for me. He becomes the best guy for me, and I feel completely happy with him. A lot of other women I know are the same.Yet, for guys, I've noticed it's different. Sure, they get all they want emotionally from one woman, but sexually it's another story. It's as if one woman is never enough.This fundamental difference between men and women is so tough for me accept. I know some women have no issue with it, but I do, and it's so visceral, that well, I can't help it. I've tried rationalizing it, but it just doesn't work.I get hurt by him watching porn, checking out or commenting about other "hot" women, etc. It hurts, even though rationally I know it's meaningless, and he loves me and blah, blah, same old sermon, but it just doesn't sink, and it hurts and I feel ugly and like I'm not enough. The question is why? Why are some of us women created like this? Why couldn't be programmed to accept men's fantasies and ogling? It hurts so much and I can't stop it... I just can't help feeling like I'm not enough and it hurts, because for me, he's more than enough and makes me happy in every way.What can I do so this stops hurting me? He knows it hurts but he just says he's guy and can't help it, that it's meaningless and I have to get over it. But I've tried and failed miserably. It's meaningless to him, but not to me. He treats me right and I'm all he wants emotionally, but not sexually or physically. I just wish I was more than enough...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): Take it from a guy, you aren't alone, but it is far more complicated. Yes, we can help it, and some of us do. But you "getting over it" isn't what needs to happen. Checking out and ogling obviously in front of your wife/gf is rude and demeaning. Respectful guys don't do it. Over the top staring and ogling and checking out when she isn't around is also rude and demeaning to the wife/gf as well, not to mention sort of advertising your interest."some women have no issue with it"First off, a lot of women do have an issue with it, and lie about it not hurting them, in fact I've yet to meet a woman who was worth her salt that wasn't bothered by the level of behavior that guys like this exhibit."it just doesn't sink, and it hurts and I feel ugly and like I'm not enough""just can't help feeling like I'm not enough and it hurts"This is why you don't do it if you love the wife/gf you are with. No, it doesn't mean that you don't look, but you keep it reasonable, you don't start hitting on the waitress, commenting on womens boobs/asses when with your guy friends, or watching porno and ignoring your wife. You spend a lot of time "being with" the wife/gf and not just "being in the same house".Now, in your own case, if you feel like you aren't "enough" that may be coming from inside as well. Feeling ugly is not a good thing. You need to talk with him and if he and you both don't understand you need to get a counselor to talk with.You are more than enough, but you don't believe it, and you need someone who makes you feel that you are. That isn't easy. I've been married almost as long as you have been alive, my wife felt this way for most of our marriage, she thought I felt she wasn't "enough" and worse she felt she wasn't enough for me. This led her down a terrible path of self destructiveness, it took a long time for it to develop fully. Reality was that I did think she was enough, didn't do the things you mention, and yet she still felt "ugly" and "not enough" and "less than". Nothing I said helped.A good couples counselor finally did the trick (4th counselor she'd seen and second we'd seen together) and she was able to understand and open up about what happened that made her feel that way. Probably saved her life, she was actually contemplating suicide at several points.So, make sure your bf treats you well, doesn't dismiss your concerns, AND that you do voice and talk about those concerns openly and fully without hiding anything.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): I disagree with the other replier. At 38, I have realised that most men do look at other women,fantasize about sleeping with other women and watch porn. It doesnt make them bad people. As long as theyre not actually unfaithful, I think its okay. I used to get upset about it but I dont anymore. Im not sure why,it may be age and that ive got used to it. I do think that some of the way you feel is to do with your own insecurities and self esteem. I dont really know what to suggest to make things better for you but I hope in time you get your head round how men are because if you want to find a man who never checks out other women then you may be in for a lonely ride.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): well yes sometimes that a guy watchs porn when having a girlfriend is normal. what I wouldn't find ok is that he comment about other "hot" women in front of you, for me it would be lack of respect toward you who are his girlfriend, i guess most of us would feel bad too with it. but it doesn't mean you have a to accept it because he is a guy, i know many guys who are not like that. those things are normal in guys and women too till a certain point, but when he is with you , you should be the only one who exist for him if he acts differently could be he is not that serious with you.
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A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark  +, writes (4 April 2011):
 Find a new guy. Seriously. Sure guys are programmed to be this way, but that doesn't give them the excuse to be disrespectful about it.
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