A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I met my current partner 3 years ago, we were dating and then I moved into his place and sub letted my place to my sister as she had moved to London. At the time, three years ago, when I met my partner, my grandad had just passed away and my dad was arrested for sexual assualt charges on my other sister (we now have no contact.)Anyway, when I moved in to my boyfriends everything seemed to be going ok, until when we argued he started hitting me, I would be left with bruises. It became a more and more common thing.If i went out with my friends or sister and got drunk or whatever I would come back and he would confiscate my phone, kick or grab me, pull my hair or try to choke me or twist my arms. Once he pushed my cheeks that far together my gums bled. He has also threatened me with a knife and either locked me in or locked me out of the flat. We have had fights like this in the street in front of people and he also thrown water at me. This has been happening for a good 2 years now. Once he cracked my ribs as well. And usually I will leave for a couple of days cry and cry and then go back because I have no where else to go. I am not saying he is a total monster though. He does possess some good qualities, he is committed, loyal and supportive.There has been a lot to face in the relationship with my family issues, then my sister living with us (after she lost my place) then my friend living with us. There has been a lot to deal with and he has been there for me.We have had a lot of problems in the relationship, I think because he has been cheated on before he is very insecure and controlling, he wants to be with me every minute of everyday, and he constantly says we don't have time together but I just feel like a commodity in his flat and that I am just staying in so he knows where I am and what I'm doing. He will go in a mood if I go out or don't come straight home, and see my friends. And then I have to basically suck up to him and pussyfoot around him to keep him happy or from kicking me out or fighting. The thing is I have always been independent and lived my own life so having to give a lot of that up hasn't been easy. I believe as much as I love him he is possessive and controlling and I know I can get jealous sometimes too. He was out of work for a year and I paid for his place as I was in work and even then when it boils down to it its never my house and I need to leave or we fight or whatever. I have told his mum and sister and they just dont get involved at all, its as though he can't do a thing wrong.My family are fed up of listening to the same problems all the time.Anyway, we had another fight in the street and he hit me in the face, I left and stayed at a friends house, and then last week I slept with someone else, which I know is wrong and I don't know why I did it, but maybe it was a revenge thing. I do love my partner a lot and just wish I hadn't have moved in there so quickly, we should have taken time first. But now everyone is telling me to leave and get my own place until things get better but he doesn't want me to leave at all. I am just beside myself because I do love him and there is something there but the control and fighting I just can't take any more.I don't know what to do.
View related questions:
drunk, insecure, jealous, moved in, revenge, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (21 August 2017):
 Please, please do not go back to this man.
What will it take for you to realise he is NOT a good man? Good men don't attack people, let alone someone they're supposed to love. You are safe where you are, please stay that way.
Honestly, this guy could probably be what removes your existence from this planet. Are you really willing to risk that because 'deep down he's a good man'? He has shown his true colours: A woman beating piece of shit.
Continue with the counselling and get the help you need. You deserve much better and you know it. Your self confidence is low and you need to work on getting that back. Your family, friends and councilling can help with that.
I wish you the best of luck for the future and I beg that you stay away from that man or else you may not be able to come back to post further updates.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all, thanks for all your responses. Just to update you on the situation.
On 23rd June, I went for a drink with my sister came home, went to sleep. My boyfriend went through my phone whilst I was asleep seen a note entry relating to feelings I had over him and another guy and flipped. He woke me by slapping my thigh hard so it bled, was screaming at me then head butted me and I was dazed temporarily. He then dragged me into the kitchen / dining area where he was screaming at me and dragging me around. I ran out onto the balcony and screamed for help, a neighbour called the police and they arrived, arrested him and held him overnight. I gave a statement, but couldnt remember being headbutted. The next day the police were useless, said I would need to leave his house and that my statement didnt corroborate with his, that its his first offence and he received a caution. I was genuinely fearful for my life so I left and moved to my sisters temporarily and then to my own flat. Which is really expensive - £1100 per month, and has ants and bed bugs, its awful and I hate living there as well. But I dont know what I can do anymore. I have sought out counselling but I still love my boyfriend a lot, he is a good person deep down and does have a good heart but things just lost control. I dont know what to do anymore but I am struggling so much financially and also am so lonely at times, I can barely afford a life really.
Part of me wants to go back to him because it was so easy financially, he is there for me and does want the same things as me but after all has happened, him being physically violent for years and me then cheating just has ruined things, but we still seem to love each other and are in communication. He has admitted to his wrong doings, and maybe being arrested has made him see how serious domestic violence actually is?
Another thing is I am been spending time with another guy who seems decent but is a bit distant and not always available. I feel so lost and confused and dont know what to do, at times I feel like I wish I could just move to another city and start all over again, I am 32 no children no husband no mortgage no car, I just feel like a complete failure and everyone around me is moving on with their futures.
I just wish my relationship with my partner had not gone the way it has done because in the beginning it was everything I dreamed of. I dont know just feeling so low and confused right now.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 May 2017):
 "I am 32 and still dont have any children or a family of my own yet so I am a bit scared that this will push us away and I will have to start again and it may be too late for me to have children."
Let me tell you one thing you need to get into your head right way. A violent man WILL HIT CHILDREN ALSO. Do not believe he would only hit you, or abuse you, or try to control you. If you have children with him, you will put your children at risk. They would SEE your bruises, they would HEAR your screams and his screams, the banging, everything. Such things traumatize a child for life. Also, they would not be safe from him. They would be in just as much danger as you are, if not even more. At least you can survive when he locks you out on the streets! But when he locks children out on the streets, what do you think will happen?
Don't be stupid. Sorry, but this needs to be said so you understand it clearly. If you have children with this man, you are forcing innocent humans into an abusive and violent relationship. They deserve better, even if you don't think you deserve better. You can always leave a relationship with this man, or walk away if it gets too bad (although you have only done so on occasion so far). But what the hell do you think a CHILD could do in your shoes? You think a child will have any opportunity to up and leave when daddy cracks their ribs? Do you think a child will know what to do when daddy locks them out on the street in the middle of the night? If you feel like you have nowhere to go, a child certainly does not have any where to go. Expect for to the police. And then they will get taken away, hopefully, and put in foster care.
I am getting upset with this talk about children with this abuser, because I grew up with a violent and abusive father. And my mom was just as gullible as you and thought that the violence was only directed at her. Don't be stupid. He is violent against you because he is a violent man. And he WILL stay violent towards ANYONE who crosses his path. No matter if they are adult or children. Especially children are easy victims, because they don't even know that it isn't legal to smack someone around like this. They don't have a job to flee to, they don't have money so that they can rent their own place and get away. They are TRAPPED.
So if not for your sake, then for the sake of any future children you might have, LEAVE THIS ABUSER. And do NOT have children with him. If you do, I can promise you, your children will resent you for it, if not even hate you. I have not forgiven my mother for having children with her abuser. She knew what he was capable of, yet she decided to bring children into it, so that I too could suffer under the same terror regime. I did not ask for that. I did not enter such a relationship voluntarily. I did not even know that what he did was illegal, had I known I would have told someone so that I could have been removed from that house and never had to see my father again. But I was a child, I didn't know, and I was forced to see my father and he did the exact same to me as he did to my mom. I thought she knew, because I saw him treat her the same way. So even I, as a child, knew that what he did to her. Yet she was so stupid to think he didn't do it to me? I do not forgive her this. She CHOSE to be with him. I did not choose it. I was forced into it.
So if you want what is best for your future children, as any good mom would want, then look long and hard at this man. Will he be the father your future children need and want?
The answer is no. I can tell you from first hand experience. The answer is no. No way in hell should you have children with this man.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (2 May 2017):
"We have had fights like this in the street"
These are not fights. They are violent attacks. Do not think that this is normal. Couples do fight, yes, but with words. Not abuse, violence, threats and causing harm on one another. Domestic abuse is illegal. What he does to you is illegal.
You say you have nowhere else to go? But you do! Think. You had a life before him. You had a place to go. And when you needed place, you would get it. You still have your mind, you are still capable of leaving, even if your abuser is trying to make you think you are dependent on him. You are not dependent on him. You have the right and the option to leave.
"I am not saying he is a total monster though. He does possess some good qualities, he is committed, loyal and supportive."
Yes, no people are pure evil. Even Stalin had his good sides. That does not mean we should stay in relationships with men who harm us, though, even if they have some good qualities. Once you have been hit, it is over. And that was his decision to hit you, not yours. It is never your fault that he hits you. He is a grown man, he is responsible for his actions. Normally when people are upset with their partner, they talk about it with their partner, or they leave the relationship if things are too bad. They DO NOT USE VIOLENCE. Violence is for abusers. Not relationships.
"I think because he has been cheated on before he is very insecure and controlling"
No, this is not true. He is using this as an excuse and for you to pity him. I know several men and women who have been cheated on, and they NEVER acted this way. I also know abusers who were not cheated on, and they DID act this way. An abuser abuses people because he CHOOSES to, not because he is a victim or can be excused his poor behavior. Do not excuse his behavior.
You need to leave. And not just "until things get better". You need to leave him for good. This wasn't caused by you moving in too fast. This isn't caused by him being cheated on in the past. This isn't caused by you two fighting or arguing. This is caused because he is a violent and dangerous man. And this fact will never change.
I think if your friends and family are "fed up" with hearing about your problems, it is because they do not know the whole truth. Do they know he cracked your ribs? Did you go to the hospital? Have they seen your bruises?
Honey, I know you love him, but he is not a good man. And he does not love you. He says he does, but his mind is sick. He wants to own you, not love you. What he has done is criminal, you can press charges with the police. You can file for a restraining order. This is domestic abuse. It is not love. It is abuse. Love him all you want, but do not stay with him, and do not continue talking to him. You need to get this dangerous man out of your life.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 April 2017):
 Dead women cannot have children. Ever thought about that ?
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (19 April 2017):
This is exactly what abusers do 'I will change, it won't happen again'
No, it won't happen at all from someone who loves you. Don't let him sucker you back in, you will regret it.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 April 2017):
 Would you honestly want to have children with a man like this? Gosh imagine bringing poor innocent children in to this violent life. Please don't do that. no child deserves that.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your answers and support. It has been a very difficult time for the last two and half years (when I moved to his). And, I have had a lot of other personal problems which have added to this from family which has probably made life more difficult. I have found a flat and am hopefully moving there on 1st May, just it is going to financially kill me but what else can I do? He has promised to change and said he has been reading on anger management and will stop trying to control me or get angry when I dont do what he expects of me and will try to make an effort so that we have a social life together and will also learn to listen to me. It is breaking my heart because I know his heart is breaking with me leaving and I feel so bad about going but I just dont know what else I can do to try and make this relationship better as I need safety and space.I just am so nervous about being alone again as I am not getting any younger, I am 32 and still dont have any children or a family of my own yet so I am a bit scared that this will push us away and I will have to start again and it may be too late for me to have children. I just seriously dont know what to do at all. But thanks everyone for your support and answers.
...............................
A
male
reader, carbone  +, writes (19 April 2017):
Abuse of any kind but especially physical should never be tolerated.
Leave this abuser at once!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2017): I agree with everyone else. If you stay, the most likely eventual result is that he will get carried away and kill you. You should leave him ASAP. Good luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2017): I can understand how you feel and the position your in, but please hear what I have to say as I know this from personal experiences, listen carefully:
He does not love you. Nobody who loves someone will treat them that way, there is NO excuse for it. All of the good qualities in him you describe, they aren't because he loves you, they're because he's controlling and manipulative.
You do not love him. You're afraid to be alone and you're hopes for your relationship are stronger than your logic right now.
You say you don't know why you cheated on him: You cheated on him because you don't feel loved and you needed the comfort of feeling like you weren't alone.
You HAVE to leave him, and you have to stick with it. Cut off all contact, block numbers, take different routes to work, tell your friends and coworkers you broke up and if he comes around, call the police. This will NEVER change and you will eventually be seriously and permanently injured or killed. And he will cheat on you, if he isn't already. He needs his ego fed and he will cheat, and you will get hurt both emotionally and physically. I know it's hard, and if I was there I would take you under my wing and hold you when you needed, cry with you, laugh with you, and protect you. But you need to make this happen on your own.
I was there once, even though I'm a man, and leaving was the hardest thing I ever did. But it was the right thing.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2017): You are having problems leaving because of trauma bonding. Abusers are very good at reeling in sensitive persons with empathy, usually with some measure of codependent behaviour, love-bombing them by making them feel super special at the start and then slowly, or in my case, within a matter of 2 to 3 weeks, they will begin the devaluation process. This usually involves belittling, invalidation, gaslighting and verbal abuse, but for some women, might be pushing, slapping, shoving etc. I urge you to read about the cycle of abuse and how and why we can end up stuck.To the people who say why are you still there and just leave, maybe you have never been in such a situation. I hold a masters in linguistics and a science doctorate and run two successful businesses, but I still got hooked in by an abuser. Why..? My forgiving, loving and empathic nature always sought to see the best in him and understand why he did and said things, and although he never physically abused me, the insults and messing with my mind and my perception of reality, the gaslighting, were just as hard to heal from. I know he physically abused his ex wife, however, as there was a restraining order on him for kicking and pushing her. (We ignore the red flags because we don't want to see the truth though). These people are like vampires, sometimes they disguise themselves very well to the outside world and often appear as true pillars of the community. So never judge anyone who gets pulled in by one. You can advise someone to leave and in this case I also would have nothing else to advise other than run far away and don't look back and have no further contact with this man. And if possible, do not tell him where you are going. Tell your family and close friends what he has done to you so that they can give you all the help and support they can. If you think he is going to be violent when you leave, and I suspect given his current behaviour, then he will, then you need to do it when you know he is going to be out for a substantial period of time.Do you have share items of furniture? If so, are you prepared to let them go? I would slowly .. or more than slowly .... start moving your personal things like books and clothes, to your parents' place, or to your own place if your sister is ok with that, or paid storage. If he notices things are missing, say you gave some books to an animal charity as you have too many. Start making plans. Seek the help of a domestic advice association. I see you are in the UK, me too, so plenty of help available. In fact you can go into your local police station for advice and speak to a female PO without pressing charges should you need further advice.Please do not settle for the crumbs of his apparent kindness. This man IS a monster and whatever his reason are for his abuse, there is NEVER an excuse to physically assault another person or to abuse their personal property. His supposed "good qualities" are the crumbs really, the intermittent reinforcement where he is kind, nice, supportive, maybe cooks you dinner.. but then BOOM... an hour, a day, or a week later, kicks off about something.. attacks you.... apologises maybe after a while.... things are ok.. then the cycle begins again. You are stuck, kept there by his "good points" and excusing extreme physical harm of your OWN body! Think about that and go read up about it. And please tell your family. You need to plan how and when you leave really carefully. Without wanting to scare you, that is often the time when partners are murdered by the abuser. The rage he will feel at you leaving will be a like a massive abandonment wound. So you may need the police to help. And the period after you have left is also dangerous.Please put yourself first. Please please understand WHY you have stayed. This is NOT love, do not be fooled. Love does not beat the beloved ok? Please keep us posted XXX
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (14 April 2017):
Of course you know what to do ! There's no way that you cannot know it.
If you worked in a workplace where there are good chances that when you show up , your boss or coworkers will punch you, crack your ribs, physically hurt you ... would you stay ? Would you say to yourself " Well, I am risking my health and life , even, ... but the pay is good... I like the food at the cafeteria, and the decor of my office... " - Come on ! You'd run like hell ( .. and press charges, I suppose ).
If you patronized a bar where , every now and then, the bartender greets you with a slap or a punch in your nose , .. would you keep going there ? Would you say " Yeah, if I go thete I may get my teeth knocked off... but the bartender is so cute... and he mixes the best Tequila Sunrise ever ! "
Of course not. You would realize that the perceived benefits you get are zilch , when compared to the risks.
Just apply the same minimal common sense criteria to your relationship ,that you would apply to any similar situation in your life, and LEAVE !
Unless, you hate your life so much that you are willing to gamble it away for the sake of telling yourself that you still are in a relationship....
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (14 April 2017):
 "I just can't take any more" you say, but you are STILL there.
Regardless of what others say or advise, you will stay until YOU are ready to leave. I am not surprised his family don't want to get involved. It is not necessarily because - as you believe - they think he can do not wrong, but because they are obviously wise enough to understand the answer to this is in your own hands. You are not going to change him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2017): I was in a situation like you and I think the previous posters have given some good advice. You may love him but you are not safe. He is dangerous and you need to tell friends and family what is happening, pack a bag and get the hell out and fast. Then you need to severe all ties because that's when they turn really nasty. It's going to be hard. You will miss him but eventually you will see why this relationship was so unhealthy and will turn a corner.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (13 April 2017):
I have been cheated on before did not turn me in to a violent thug. Stop making excuses for what he is. He is a controlling abusive violent man and he will not stop until you are dead. So it is your choice stay with him and make excuses or stand your ground, leave get your own place avoid all contact with him and go to a domestic violence support group.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (13 April 2017):
 GET AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE AS SOON AS POSIBLE. For your own safety. you are in peril. By the way, all those other influences you mention are no excuses for his behavior. RUN!
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (13 April 2017):
I read the title and said 'Leave'.
I then gave it the benefit of the doubt and started reading. Got to 'he started hitting me' and said 'Leave' again.
You're right, there is something there, probably your cause of death.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2017): Ask yourself.....Do I want to die? If you stay you will as abusers never ever change.He has shown you who he really is.Believe him. Rushing things did not do this....It just showed you sooner who he really is. I would leave and maybe even get a restraining order of protection.Abusers do not like when you leave and could get very dangerous for you.Call a woman's shelter...Get advice on how to be safe.Everytime he hits you call the police.He has never loved you....He only loves to control you. As for the cheating hopefully your abuser will never find out...If he does you will not be safe.When you leave never ever let him know where you live...A women's shelter is your best bet you need protection and consuling so this never happens again.Take my advice leave today now.
...............................
|
