A
male
age
41-50,
*inter_one
writes:HiI've been with my girlfriend since the start of the year. I love her very much and she's everything I'd ever want in a partner. The only thing I'm unhappy with though, is our sex life (or lack thereof).She told me a long time ago that, before we met, she'd never had a boyfriend before and had never been intimate with anyone. As a result, she said she finds the physical side of a relationship to be a little scary and awkward. Consequently, her sex drive seems to be extremely low. Up until a couple of months ago, it would be the case where I would try to initiate something almost every night we were together. One night she spoke to me about that, gently reminding me of her mindset and pointing out that that really wasn't why she was with me. She much preferred to just cuddle up to me in bed and go to sleep. I realised at that point that yes, I had been a bit over the top and apologised. Since then, I've backed off for the most part and went along with what she was most comfortable with (which I'm also happy with). Now, however, on the odd occassion when I try to take things a bit further, I have no luck whatsoever. When I kiss her, she will happily return that but won't really go any further. If I do try, she tends to snuggle into me and goes to sleep.We haven't had sex yet, the furthest being heavy petting under her nightclothes (she's very self-conscious regardless of what I've said to try and make her more confident about herself) and I've never been one to sleep around, so I'm not as experienced as most guys my age. Despite what she says, I still have the nagging feeling that she doesn't want to respond as I'm just plain not good enough.This is something I do find incredibly frustrating, there have been a couple of occasions where I've actually been trembling with frustration (fortunately she'd fallen asleep by this point so was oblivious). I haven't mentioned this to her at all as I know it's not something she's comfortable with discussing, but it is really getting me down now and is starting to affect my mood around her a little. I'm worried that I put too much pressure on her in the past and have put her off sex altogether, however like I said, I don't want to ask for fear of making her uncomfortable.Like I said, this is the only aspect of our relationship that I'm unhappy with so breaking up with her is not an option, nor would I ever dream of cheating on her. However, I'm really not sure of what to do!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2007): First off, let me just say that it sounds like you are a wonderful and caring boyfriend- someone many girls would be lucky to have! As to the situation, you really just need to have a talk with her and tell her how you feel. If you are gentle, and let her know that you are not trying to force anything upon her, then she should be willing to try and understand. Tell her that you love her, and that you just want to express your love on another level, and show your love in another way (making love is after all the ultimate expression of love!). Perhaps if she saw it as being something beautiful and loving rather than dirty and terrifying, she would be willing to go further. You should take things slowly, and avoid jumping into sex right away. Maybe even just exploring eachother's bodies would be beneficial, perhaps lying in bed together (maybe even naked)and just feeling eachother, touching, and being intimate. If she loves you, she should love ALL of you, including your body. I do not agree with harshbutfair's statement about 'sex people and not sex people' Of course, some of us are more interested than others, but anyone, provided they're with someone they know they love, can have their 'buttons pushed', and enjoy the beautiful thing that sex can be! BUT if this girl has had any traumatic sexual experiences in her past, her behavior becomes more uderstandable. Don't rule that out either. Either way, there are obviously things troubling her with sex, so maybe just ask her in the most caring way you can what those things are, and try and work from there. Hope that helped.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2007): " I haven't mentioned this to her at all as I know it's not something she's comfortable with discussing"
How do you ever think this problem will get fixed unless you talk with her? It's the only way you can solve relationship problems - together!
" I'm worried that I put too much pressure on her in the past and have put her off sex altogether"
Could she be any more put off than she already is? It doesn't sound like it to me!
I do agree with what harshbutfair said and I think there is a distinct difference between those two types of people.
That said, I think your girlfriend has some other issues going on that she hasn't been able to share with you.
She blames her sexual problems on not being experienced but I think that is the effect, rather than the cause. People often hide behind effects to explain the cause. It stops them from having to challenge what is really at the heart of the matter.
I think if you want any action with this girl then you are going to have to be mature enough to talk to her about your needs and get an understanding of what hers are.
You need to find out exactly what she is thinking about the whole sex thing as you don't really seem to have a clue what really is going on with her. For one, I bet she is already feeling terrible that she isn't able to give you what you want; she probably feels guilty and feels like she is lacking as a women and girlfriend in some way. This guilt is probably fuelling her insecurity and making her feel worse. There is a lot in this way that she doesn't seem to have been able to share with you and you two need to be able to talk to get through it.
Unless you want to remain celibate? You may be content with that idea now, but slowly your acceptance will fade and you'll become resentful and eventually you'll start creating relationship problems for yourself. Everyone has needs, regardless of how much love gets in the way and masks them, so personally I'd advice you talk about it all maturely with your girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, Helen1986 +, writes (7 August 2007):
 I think that you should sit your girlfriend down in a nice private place and tell her how you feel. You have listened and understood her feelings, ask her nicely to listen to yours.
Tell her how much you love and appreiciate her, tell her how beautiful she is and how you could never dream of being with anybody else ever!! Remind her that you will always be there for her always.
Explain to her that you need physical love but you dont want it from anybody else, tell her you will take it slow and you will guide her and be gentle. Remind her again that you will be there still after.
Make sure you remind her that there is no pressure and the choice is still hers.
Sorry I cant be much more help.
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A
male
reader, harshbutfair +, writes (7 August 2007):
 This is a sad situation. It's something I often see asked and I'll quote an answer I wrote to a previous question that gives my core views.
"This will never get resolved if you stay with your wife [partner]. In life there are basically two sexualities: sex people and NOT sex people. Sex people think about sex, have sex and love sex. If they don't get sex they get cranky.
NOT sex people couldn't care less about sex. They're happier reading the paper, checking their emails or doing their job. If two opposites marry, the marriage Will Not Work, sadly. And I've never heard of a NOT sex person suddenly turning into a sex person."
I say that this is a sad situation and I mean it. You have developed a close emotional attachment to your partner, but in reality it's no more than a close friendship. Without intimacy, there is no long term future for your relationship and one or other of you will end up cheating, getting frustrated, getting sad and eventually ending things.
You are "posh friends" but you are not yet lovers. You need to see if you can become intimate lovers, but if your girl is simply not interested, you may need to consider what future this holds for you.
My heart goes out to you and I wish you good luck.
One last thought comes to mind, that it is well worth her visiting her GP (in fact, you should encourage this) and getting her hormone levels tested. If things are out of whack it may result in lack of labido. For a young woman to have no sexual interest in her partner is not normal nor healthy.
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