A
female
age
41-50,
*any
writes:Totally disappointed...Almost a year ago I met a wonderful guy. It was all very romantic at the beginning. However with few problems even then...He just broke up an 8 year long relationship. And he lives in another country. Not so far, but still...I hate long distance relationships, had 2 already before this one, not by my choice...it somehow was happening like that...both broke down...this one did as well. But I can't get over this guy. I was so sure he's the one. Now I think I was just a rebound to him, although he keeps saying I wasn't. At first he was gentle and nice, sex was great, he was saying he'll move to where I live and we'll be together, we even made plans for starting a company together! So it seemed all quite serious...but he was also saying that he is still not in love with me...he is confused and needs to find himself...to get to know what he feels...so I was waiting...it was hard for me...then he stopped asking me to visit, he stopped calling me so often, but when I would say that we should break up he would always say he doesn't want that and he has an instict we should be together...Once I went to see him, after several months of not seeing each other...he's very busy at his work, has some crazy working hours...even so, we managed to spend a weekend together..sex was terrible...he wasn't showing any affection..didn't even want to hug me...but still didn't want to admit that we should break up...that was driving me crazy...I did break up with him but can't stop all the contact...I am so used to sharing my thoughts with him, everything that happens to me..I don't know why I got so attached to him in relatively short time...and he keeps saying that he wants to stay friends, that he loves me in his own way but he'd be happy if I'd find some other guy! WTF!! And still, on that last weekend together, we were talking about getting married and having kids...this guy is totally messed up I would say. The thing which bothers me the most is that I still feel very strongly about him, this physical and emotional detachment somehow does not influence my feelings...it's hard for me..And I am disappointed by the fact that I was able to fall so deeply in love with such a wrong guy...how will I know when it is real? This seemed real at the beginning...what happened? And how do I get out of this now??
View related questions:
broke up, long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Vany +, writes (25 July 2010):
Vany is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you, dear AuntyEm, you made several points in your answer which really hit the target. All this is indeed soul destroying and I wouldn't expect a friend to put me through all that, love or no love involved...so friendship is out of question, you're right. As for my options, yes, you opened my eyes with this: He's holding you at arms length until he finds a suitable replacement. I DON'T WANT TO BE A REPLACEMENT!!I think I deserve more than that. Actually everybody does, right? Everybody's unique and should be treated with respect. So I deserve more respect, it was somehow just hard for me to remember that when I needed too...well, it's never too late. But then again, should I behave more, how should I put it, "bitchy" in my next relationship? Should I not show my true emotions for a while, at least not until I am sure he's trully in love with me? It always seemed insincere to me, but now I have an impression that when I tell to the guy how I feel, it gives him some kind of power over me...at least it was like that with this guy.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (25 July 2010):
 Wow thats one messed up man!!! Mixed messages and misleading statements. These things happen all the time, you just fell for the wrong one. He is acting like he wants to keep his options open but still keep you on the hook (friends). Ive said it a million times before: You can't remain friends with someone that your in love with if they dont love you!...it's soul destroying.
He has messed you around and had your emotions all over the place. Either he seriously can't make up his mind (I doubt this) or he's just keeping you guessing whilst he does his own thing. Men in general are very insecure and they seldom break something off until they have a firm thing to move onto. He's holding you at arms length until he finds a suitable replacement.
If he truly loved you and wanted to make a life with you, there would be clear consistent signals...not all this mess and confusion.
So what are you going to do?...
You could hang on for dear life leaving your emotions to his mercy..or you could just admit that you read it wrong this time, that this isn't working for you or making you feel loved and secure...and you can wave goodbye and walk!!
How are you gonna know next time?...well if you seriously learn from this mistake, your certainly not going to land in this mess again.
There is no guarantee that anyone will ever meet their perfect match but when so much tells you that something is wrong, you need to take notice...eventually someone may come along who really does make you happy secure and shows you that you can trust them. It will feel absolutely right...not like this relationship which is giving you massive warning signals.
Maybe have some time on your own, focus on other things and see where life takes you. Who knows, you might meet the 'guy next door'
Chin up darling...walk and think on him no more.
...............................
|
