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*lutchcargo
writes:I am dealing with the common problem of having married a woman who had a sordid (my opinion) past. By age 24 she had over 35 sexual partners varying from a 2 year relationship to blow jobs in a club parking lot with strangers. I am conservative by nature and raised in the midwest ( she was from LA) and there is not a day or maybe an hour that the thought of her giving herself away for drugs, alcohol or concert tickets does not enter my mind. I literally get sick to my stomach. Divorce is out of the question but I know my feelings of disgust and lack of respect is hurting both of us. The pain I experience is overwhelming me and robs whatever joy I might have because of these obsessive thoughts. Before we were married she came clean or so I thought. 20 years later she took some sleeping pills (Ambien) that loosen the tongue and the truth (maybe more is coming) came out. The truth is she was not giving it away but was actively seeking random sex since she was 12. We have not had sex since and I don't see it in the future. I am not looking for validation of my feelings or explaining the sexual mores of today or yesterday. I just need some help dealing with these overwhelming thoughts. Almost everyday the 1st conscious thought I have is of her promiscuity and it goes downhill from there.Thanks for listening
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2010): My wife is super hot and awesome in bed. Does it all one night she was on ecstasy and told me her past sex experience. I was blown away! I knew she was experienced but getting fucked by 75-100 guys fucked up my head. She told me about guys I know who totally used her body. We as guys want to know then we are shocked and mad. My wife told me about few videos she had from exes and we have watched that is a turn on. Best advice keep it out of ur marriage
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reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (6 July 2010):
Hey Friend,Yeah, 35 is a really big number. She did do lots of crazy things in her life. When you look back on it, the first thoughts are 'wow, what a slut! Why in the HELL do I want to be with her!!' Trust me I know that feeling way to well. You had asked me for advice and I promised you some. I will try my best today. But please note, today is a 'bad day' for me.Heck, hearing stuff from a 'bad day' might actually be more helpful to you. So as bad as it may sound, for me anyway, this whole thing has been like a roller-coaster. There are strong up and strong downs. Sometimes i feel like nothing matters and it gona work. Other times, its so bad I can not even look at her without crying. If you had not read my post, http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-get-over-her-promicuous-past-including.htmlThere it is. Its outdated since we are still trying... but none the less, it will show you that I know exactly what you are going though and there is some more good advice in there.Today, I feel like I can not take it. I think about her and all I can think is how much of a slut she is. All of her lies, the cheating, and her past. It drives me insane. So insane I know if talk to her I will break up with her. I get sick to my stomach when I think about the fact that I have kissed her. Knowing she doesn't even know how many strangers have put their penis in her mouth. ((sorry if I put a new bad thought into your head))I just feel like I am going to break and it doesnt matter.I find that trying not to think about it and doing something that fouces your mind on something else helps a bit. If you don't think about it, it doesn't hurt as bad. Its been a while for me that I been going though this. I would like to tell you it gets better... I cant. Everyone is different. And with me, part of the way though i found out about a lot more of her lies and that she was unfaithful to me. It a hard long path friend, There hasn't been a single day that I have not though about ending it with her. I see how unhappy we both are sometimes. But I also see how happy we are. I keep wondering, if I had met her before she did all these things or if she never did these things, would our relationship be near perfect? I mean I know no relationship is perfect, but would this be close to it? I always think 'yes it would have been' but that also the part that kills me, that it would have been, not is.I can not come up with a solution, where I should or should not keep seeing her. Its only something that I can decide. I have all information and I know how I feel... it just coming up with an answer is hard....
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2010): Was she sexually abused? She sounds like the classic abuse victim. I am not saying that you should feel any differently than you do but it may give you some insight. 12 year old girls are seldom sexually active unless there is abuse. When a man abuses a child, she feels her only worth is having sex. That's the evil of sexual abuse.
No matter what you decide, say a sincere pray for her and all abused children. Pray that she finds love and solace, If she has been faithful all these years then God has worked in her life. It's amazing what God can do.
Maybe it would be better to let her go so that she is not constantly exposed to your scone and disgust. I am certain she does not deserve that. Be kind to her, her promiscuity was a sign of pain and now she needs a lot of spiritual love.
There is much evil in the world, sexual predators abound. Internet porn, the scourge of society, hopefully you do not watch this filth. If you have brought this into your house then, in the eyes of God, you have had as many partners as you have observed in those videos. Are you sure your judgement and disgust of her would not be directed at you, on the spiritual plane?
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reader, loraemoon  +, writes (1 July 2010):
 wow! some of what you have said sounds a lot like me, i have been with my boyfriend for 18 mths hes 7 years younger than me i was married for 12 yrs had childeren got devorced and met him, from the start i knew hed had at least 20 sexual partners most of which were one night stands, i knew he was lying to me about two girls in particular and i found out he was, they were apparently friends he used to hang around with for months on end in his bedroom but only ever had just sex twice i do not believe that for one min and it destroyes me to know hes stilllying to me, for what ever reason, im also sure that he has a child out there somewhere with a girl he was seeing she rang him one day and told him she was pregnant he asked if it was his she said no its my exes im back with him,that playes on my mind every day, because like i say why would she ring you to tell you in the first place n he said because we were still just talking, but has apparently no contact with her since apparently also shes moved,,, anything thats to do with girls from his past i go mad about i cant help it,if we have sex or do something different i always say i surpose u did that with them sl,gs it doing me in i cant stop these thoughts, a few months ago i found out hed got hold of his ex girlfriends number and rang her behind my back, apparently because he needed somone to talk to that wasnt involved, she verified that but why did he have to do that in many ways it would be best to go our own ways but i sit here thinking if we did hed go back to his mums where he slept with a few of them girls in them rooms and it angers me so much its destroying me, i so know how you feel on a daily bassis,i have tried top see the doctor to see if they will give councelling, i think maybe that would help you,
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reader, Serpico +, writes (1 July 2010):
This is exactly why you need to know these things BEFORE marriage.
Some guys can handle a sordid past. Some cant. I am most definitely the latter, and I accept that. I have moved on from many a women when I found out they were say morally progressive. It led me to the gem I have right now where there are no thoughts entering my mind every moment of the day.
Sorry, dont have better advice than that, but thats the way I look at things.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2010): If you've went through all this bad history of cheating women, I can understand why you feel so upset about the fact your current wife had the history she did. However, unless you have evidence of your current wife cheating on you while you've been married, there's absolutely nothing to suspect, since she's most likely a completely changed person, whereas the other 2 wives weren't. I know that's hard to believe, but in reality, no two people think or feel the same, and the other two wives were the worst examples you could have come across for faithful wives. You're stating that it's your fault, somehow, because you seemingly fall for the wrong women, but that's not the case. Those girls showed you their good side and then hurt you, but your current wife, if she hasn't cheated on you, hasn't intentionally done anything wrong while with you. You're admitting that most people don't get dealt that bad a hand, and that her past bothers you, even though she hasn't cheated on you the whole time she's been with you. I suggest seeking professional counselling, since the feelings you suffer from are stemming from your inability to let go, no matter how good your wife will ever treat you. There's nothing your wife can do to knock the wall of insecurity down, but you can, and a trained professional can help you if you give them your time and effort. It's amazing how much some counsellors can help.. if you don't feel comfortable with one, try another, until you find one you feel you can open up to. Noone in here will be able to make you feel better about your wife, and to feel she isn't going to end up exactly like the last 2 cheating wives.. those emotions are being triggered by your mind, and your mind will have to be trained to react differently, the same way anxiety can be conquered through the right counselling, many times without having to resort to medication.
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reader, clutchcargo +, writes (30 June 2010):
clutchcargo is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for your suggestions and comments. After reading my post and your answers I realized I had left out some pertinent information. They may make you wonder if I am a masochist or at the very least a very poor judge of character. I 1st married at age 24 to a 20 year old woman who attended the same church I did and our basic belief was no premarital sex. While dating I found out she had already had 7 partners while living with her parents and hiding her hypocritical lifestyle from them and those in the congregation. I figured that my impressive husbandly qualities could change her. I am ashamed to admit I became the 8th before we married. (You can imagine how I dealt with keeping those 7 guys out of my head!!!!) 3 years later My keen (LOL) perceptive powers noticed a change, maybe a hardness or rebellious attitude in her. After several conversations she admitted she had been making out with the husband of some mutual friends while we were visiting them. Ouch, that hurt but I was just beginning to deal with it when the whole truth , I think came out. She had been cheating on me for the last year with four guys, two of them in our own bed. Devastated I did what I could to help her get her emotions in check and then I would go off and freak out on my own. I was not prepared to divorce yet so we agreed to separate for a couple of weeks while she got her act together. Within a couple of days she had a few More encounters to confess and so on. We divorced and for 2 years I was a miserable wreck. I tried dating but I must have been a real drag given my mental and emotional state. I then met a younger woman(I was 29 she was 20)and we dated seriously for about a year. I thought I had found a new mate. She was also of the same faith. Her one "transgression" was a single sexual encounter with her cousin. When I returned from a 6 week vacation a mutual friend told me he and my girlfriend had been having sex while I was gone. I had never laid a hand on her. From my previous experience with my ex wife's past and her time with me I knew I could never get over this even though she wanted to get back together so we broke up.
I then was determined to find a virgin. That should solve the problem right? I found out how rare they are even in a fellowship of active Christians with the same beliefs I have. So against my better judgment I agreed to go on a double date with some very good friends of mine and a girl they said was a real sweet heart. Because the friend knew about my sensitivity re: premarital sex and the whole cheating issues she warned me that this girl was not a virgin but had had a boyfriend in a rock band and had been around the block a few times. You would think by now I would be exiting stage left in a hurry but no I blundered ahead and thus met my current wife who is the subject of my 1st post.
During that whole period from age 20 to 31 I had 2 sex partners both of whom I happened to be married to even though I had plenty of opportunities with other women. The one thing I did regret was having the premarital sex with my 1st wife since it compromised my beliefs.
Like they say "ya just can't make this stuff up"
Maybe this added info will assist you commentators in delving into my psyche and rooting out why I am attracted to loose women and torturing myself over their previous partners, I wish I could say lovers it sounds better but none of them were tn relationships.
Some of the other posters on this subject have expressed the pain and suffering they have gone through a believe me I feel their pain. However the magnitude of what I have to deal with seems to include a lot more cheating, deception and immorality than most posters.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2010): With all due respect, this is not a marriage. According to your figrues it sounds like you have not had sex or felt attracted to her in the last 15 years. It really doesn't matter how much you try to accept this, the end result is still not what you are working for. You were lied to in the first place. You married a person who is different from who you believed you were marrying. The fallout from that is not your fault. I say do both of you a favor and split up before any more of your life is spent without someone you feel romantic love for.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2010): I think if you truly love her, you should learn to accept her past and move forward. Is she doing anything wrong in your relationship now? If not, leave the past in the past and know that she's the same person you fell in love with. Some people's pasts are harsh and confusing, but if she's in a better place now, why stir up these memories and emotions? It might be good for you two to seek therapy and guidance so you can move forward in a positive way. The last thing you want is for this issue to snowball into passive aggressive behavior.
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reader, Yos  +, writes (29 June 2010):
 Just think how much time has passed. People are not fixed, we change over time very much. There's almost nothing left of that young and lost girl, it's another world. Like a dream. It's no longer real, all that is left is an echo of an echo.
Do know that this problem comes up here often. You're not the only one, and you're not alone. Take a look at some of these:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retroactive-jealousy--how-do-i-overcome-it.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-cope-with-my-husbands-reaction.html
I have experienced this, and have written about it a lot here. Look through my post history for more information.
Whatever you do, be kind to her. She is your wife, and the love of your life, and deserves your unrelenting compassion and respect.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2010): I know some people feel that once a murderer, always a murderer.. once a thief, always one, etc., but where sex differs is that your wife has experienced so much, and she's learned to appreciate the meaning of your sex, and your relationship, through being able to compare her past and history. Do you honestly believe she hasn't learned from it and doesn't feel bad about it? You know she appreciates the difference, and is proud of her maturity through life, and that will actually fortify what you have together. She's not 12, 15 or 24 anymore.. she's matured alot by now, even if you try to go just by statistics and misleading thoughts. If you feel overpowered by those thoughts, go to a counsellor, and they can help you understand the positive growth and mature state your wife would be living today, and knowing that reality will stop your doubts in their tracks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2010): Wow you have really been hit hard by this and it seems that you had no idea about it before you got married - or at least the story was more palatable at that stage until more came out. That is a lot of partners and someone would have some serious mental issues in my opinion to be behaving in that way from such a young age. Have these issues been tackled properly by a trained counselling service? To understand why your wife behaved in this way is one part of your solution to dealing with it day to day now. It may lead to your acceptance (not approval) and could give you inner peace or 'an answer' and so the perception you have of your wife will begin to change. However if it is a situation you cannot live with then you are just torturing yourself and for how long can that continue? Have you explained to your wife how this is hurting you? Really sat down and said precisely what it is doing and that you need her to work with you to deal with it? That is another option - openess. Finally, if you really cannot see a way forward through counselling to manage these overwhelming thoughts then I would suggest you move out. No drama, no 'we're over' speech - just time out to give you a chance to be away from her and the incessant reminder, so that you have the space to consider your true feelings. If you think this would cause problems can you take a holiday on your own - a break away for the weekend - anything which gives you space to think without pressure. You cannot change what has happened but you can change your response to it.
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reader, erinmarie +, writes (29 June 2010):
wow well ok obliviously you love her to death but i think you just need to talk to her about what's going on and maybe go to a shrink about this if it is taking an emostional impact on you, good luck!
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