A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ugh im 18 and seem to think the grass is greener on the other side... Im totally stuck and i would love some advice... Im gonna tell you the WHOLE story so its gonna take a while so make sure you have time before you start reading lol... Well my best friend of 6 yrs and i were talking and we had told eachother out of all our exes the one we would not want the other to date cuz it would hurt too much... Well i had dated this guy on and off for 5 years and our senior year i found out she started dating him, well i was pretty good friends with the guy she told me not to date (we will call him Jim) so me and Jim started dating... We ended up falling in love and it was amazing! We were determined to spend the rest of our lives together and there was no one gonna stand in our way...we completely clicked in every detail possible, our pasts, what we wanted to go to school for, our beliefs, what we looked in a partner, i mean everything! Well Jim confessed to me one night that he was hiding something from me, that he smoked pot and sold drugs for money... When he told me he could see by the look n my face that i was deviatated... So about a week later he told me he was moving to another state with his other parent because if he stayed in the place he was at he could never get away from the life he was living and he wanted to change for me, for us... i was soooo sad but so proud of him at the same time... So he moved within about a week hours apon hours away... But we stayed together and talked all day on the phone and we were still doing amazing and i fell in love with him more each day... Well my dad is a preacher so my parents have always been very strict on me and i never got to do anything. Well my parents moved cuz my dad got his own church 4 hours away and since it was the middle of my senior year i moved in with a friend from the family... With being away from my parents i started to party some with my best friend... Well we went to a party one night and got really drunk and we ended up having a 3 some with some guy... The second i realized what i was doing i left and called Jim... But didnt tell him about it cuz he always told me if i ever cheated that would be the one thing he left me for... Well he never knew but i knew and it tore me apart so i started drifting apart from who i was and from him... i never stopped loving him but i stopped loving myself... Well an old friend (we will call him tom) whome we had always had a little crush on eachother but never went about doing anything with it... Well he contacted me one day and wanted to hang out... So we did, nothing happened but we would just hang out everyday after school for about a week, i had missed that companionship i wasnt getting from Jim since he lived so far away i only saw him 2 days out of the month and it was really hard for me, so tom like filled that void... Then me and tom ended up hooking up and my friend told Jim about everything (i think it was cuz she was jealous) but anyway Jim called me and we broke everything off... i tried everything to get him back and he did take me back but it was just not the same as before, i had broken that trust, at the same time tom was trying everything in his power for me to be with him, and he was a really great guy and i felt bad that i had used him so for about a week everyday i went back and forth between tom and Jim... Well Jim pretty much told me he was done and couldnt do it anymore so i went back to tom... Jim started dating another girl but would still randomly call me and i would cry and tell him i would do anything to get him back... This went on for 5 months, me still with tom and Jim still with that other girl, this whole time i would talk to jims mom everyday on the phone and she would tell me over and over how me and Jim are ment to be together and i just made a mistake... Then after 5 months i finally gave up on all hope of Jim ever forgiving me and put my all into making me and tom work, on the outside, but secretly i would still look at all my old letters, emails, pictures, memories that i had with Jim... Then tom joined the military and when he came back from basic he asked me to marry him... After he asked me to marry him Jim came back and would call me and text me and tell me to leave tom and be with him, that he never stopped loving me and he was just angry with me... But after soooo long i just didnt take him seriously (even tho i was still madly in love with Jim and wanted nothing more than to be with him, i just felt like after tom taking so much crap from he i owed this to him)... Me and tom have been married for 1 month and 15 days... About 2 weeks ago me and Jim met up and sat out at our 'spot' after a huge fight me and tom had and we just cried and listened to songs and talked until 5 30 in the morning... i realized i had made a huge mistake marrying tom and i wanted Jim more than anything in the world... He told me if he knew where and when the wedding was he would have walked in and i would of left with him and we would of gotten married... Oh how i wish... i married tom for the wrong reasons... Yes i love him, but Jim has and always have had my heart, marrying tom i know i will always have security and a home and stability, but im just not truely happy... i miss everything about Jim and when we were together i saw my old self... The girl i loved the one i had been searching for and trying to me for so long... But i know if i leave tom i would lose so many people that mean so much to me, i have never been closer to anyones family (including my own) than i have been to toms... And my dad being a Baptist pastor he is 100% against divorce so i feel like im stuck that i have no choice, but to live with the decision i made... Jim told me when my marriage fails 3, 4, 5 years down the road just to call him and he will drop everything he has going on and will be with me... And i feel and believe since i made the commitment to tom that i owe it to him to make it work, but im scared if i wait too long i will lose Jim forever... i need help... Bad... ~the truely torn
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you... And i think deep down all along i have known this but im just scared to let Jim go even tho i have an amazing man with me now and he will always be there for me, he has shown me this the whole time we have been together... Ugh everything you said is very right, its just hard to face the truth you no... But i am honestly going to take this advice to heart... Tom deserves the best and he chose me to give that to him, this is what i need, should and am going to do... i have already started to let go of Jim, i guess i just needed that little push to let me let go completely... And i know since i have held on so long it will take some time but i can do it... Its just been hard cuz i havent been able to talk to ANYONE about this... Thanks again
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (4 March 2009):
 Well at least you realise you married this guy for all the wrong reasons, but this doesnt help you at all. You should never have said yes to the engagement never mind getting married, you have dug yourself into such a deep hole here I dont think there is any way out.
You knew you were still in love with another man when you got married, it isnt something you have only just realised. Therefore I think you have made your bed now you have to lay in it.
Try and remember here that you cheated on the so called love of your life twice, therefore you cant have loved him or respected him as much as you thought you did. If you and this guy were meant to be together you would have just said no to the threesome, and no to the next guy that came along. You shouldnt have even been hanging out with another guy when you were in a relationship.
It seems you have created an image of how wonderful things were when you and Jim were first together, and in your mind you want this back. In reality, it will never be the same again even if you left your husband for Jim. He wont ever be able to trust you, and you will never re-create the relationship you had when you were very young. You are very young now to be married, so I cant imagine how old you were when you met Jim. This relationship with Jim is just a fantasy, nothing more. Stop believing that you can have that back - it is gone forever. As soon as you got into that threesome you ended any chance of being together. You need to accept this!
You have only been married a month, I suggest you work your ass of to save this marriage. Too many people give up on marriage today, and you clearly must love Tom if you said yes to the engagement in the first place, so work on getting those feelings back.
And as for Jim, tell him you will not be leaving your husband, ever! Tell him to move on, not to wait for you and to find someone who wont cheat on him. Cut all contact with him, burn any letters etc from him, erase all memory of this childhood romance. You both need to move on, that is the only way around this mess you have made. You managed to give up hope of being with Jim before, and you worked on your relationship with Tom. Do the same again, but this time get rid of all those memories. There is no point in clinging on to the past.
Remember you finished for a reason, and an ex is an ex. You split up once, even if you got back together it will only end up in another break up because clearly, you couldnt make it work before so why could you do it now?
You made a huge mistake in getting married, but there is nothing you can do now. It was your mistake, you have to live with it. But dont keep Jim hanging on, you cannot have two men in your life it is just not fair in either of them!
I hope this helps!
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