A
female
age
36-40,
*Krista
writes:First, let me introduce you to two men:Boyfriend: He is strong, smart, and the sweetest person I know. He always has great advice and never gives an answer that is anything less than thoughtful, though he is stubborn and will take it personally if you don't accept his advice. He is tender and caring and when he looks at me, I can feel how much he loves me. His family doesn't like me, which is hard since my family is so close and I always imagined myself being very close to my significant other's family, and he is not close with them either (in fact, he freaks out about them and their over-controlling nonsense at least once a week). He is funny and loves quoting movies. He imagines a life with me and even though we have only been dating for nine months, he is already coming up with designs to make me an engagement ring.Best Friend: Strong, handsome, tough, but a real teddy bear. He is sensitive but closed-off. I am the only person he is comfortable opening up to and when he finally feels comfortable enough to talk, it is a real adventure. He is dynamic and interesting and has a very, very cool family. He is friendly and can have a conversation with anyone, which is a really cool trait to have. I have known Best Friend since 5th grade. I have been in love with him since I was eleven.Best Friend and I have gone to school together since the 5th grade accelerated program in elementary school. During Jr. High we didn't see each other much, but I still thought about him. During high school I was on the journalism staff and went to the swim meets and practices where he swam for some of the sports articles I was writing. Then senior year he and I were in show choir together which, as any choir person knows, means that after five years of not really seeing each other, show choir (a family-like affair) finally gave us the chance to revive our friendship. Since Best Friend was already dating someone senior year, it was not even an issue that I still harbored a shadow of my old crush for him. In fact, I even started dating one of his best friends (the captain of the swim team). Both relationships ended, as high school relationships do, but Best Friend and I went our separate ways after graduation, seeing each other only occasionally in passing.One year after graduation, Best Friend was working 3000 miles away at a lodge in Alaska. I texted him randomly to say that I missed seeing his face at the bowling alley he used to work at (that I used to play pool at with whomever I was dating at the time). He answered that he missed me too and there started our textual friendship. I was having trouble sleeping that summer, and he has always been an insomniac. At 3:00 in the morning on the 4th of July, he texted me to tell me that five of his friends got in a devastating, fatal car accident and I was the only one he could think of to go to. I did my best to comfort him over such a long distance and my feelings for him grew stronger as we grew closer and closer. In his mourning, he would sometimes become distracted and would stop texting for progressively longer periods of time, until finally he stopped calling and texting altogether for his last month and a half of Alaskan employment.Less than two weeks before Best Friend came home I got back together with my ex. Best Friend stuck around as my friend and patiently waited until, finally, me and Ex broke up again (and for the last time). Then me and Best Friend finally had our chance, but we rushed things and Best Friend worried that he was just the rebound (even though that was not the case). He distanced himself because he is patient and wanted to wait until he was certain that I was truly ready to be with him and to be with him for real. I thought it was that he didn't want me, so I sadly moved on.Two months later and I was happily in a relationship with Boyfriend. Even though I didn't have the fire of passion with him that I felt whenever I was around Best Friend, Boyfriend was safe, and stable, and sweet. He and I can talk out every problem easily and I would foresee a very smooth future with him except for one problem... I am not sexually attracted to him.I catch myself thinking of other guys or displacing myself when we are making out or having sex. Sometimes I even think about Best Friend, though I am ashamed to admit it. I know that I could make the relationship work if I wanted to, and he is perfect so why shouldn't I? Up until last weekend, besides that shadow of a doubt, I was sure that is what I would choose to do. After all, the only other man I have ever loved this much is Best Friend and I was convinced, and had accepted, that he did not feel the same way about me.Then Saturday's party happened and now I don't know what to do:It was just a small get-together with the roommates and a couple outside friends. We drank a little, played guitar and sang, hung out, it was great. Until suddenly Best Friend and Boyfriend started talking about me and Best Friend told Boyfriend how extremely lucky he is to have me. Of course Boyfriend agreed, but then Best Friend continued saying that we were best friends and that he would protect me no matter what, so Boyfriend better not screw up and hurt me. Then without waiting for a response, Best Friend goes to his room and closes the door.I am the girl who takes care of the emotionally drawn and sick during parties (you know how drinking sometimes gets...). So I knocked gently on the door, and though he refused when anyone else had tried to get in, he let me in without question. I sat on the floor next to him and we began to talk.We talked about his relationship problems -- this girl he was interested in (a belly dancer) his attempts with one of my girl friends who simply wasn't interested -- and then he stopped. "It's you; it's always been you," he admitted, looking down. "I screwed up before, but if I ever get my chance with you, I will be yours forever. I love you and I have loved you since I was eleven years old." And as I confessed my own love for him, "I have always been in love with you. You are always on my mind -- I can't help but think about you every day," we grew closer and closer until finally our lips brushed. My heart leaped. We fell into a warm, romantic, soft, deep, breath-taking, tingly, butterfly-filled, delicious kiss. The kind of kiss I have only ever gotten from him. The kind of spark that has been missing from my relationship with Boyfriend. It wasn't just one kiss, but several, and his hands grazed my skin in a smooth, warm trail... I hate myself, but I don't regret it. If I had it to do over again, I would have stayed longer -- but I am just not that kind of girl.Now that I know how he truly feels, I can't get him off my mind (even worse than before when I didn't know that my feelings for him were reciprocated). I have spent ten years trying to get over him, and now that I know he loves me back, I don't know that I will ever recover.But I would hate myself if I ever hurt Boyfriend. He is amazing and has always been there for me when I needed him. He doesn't disappear, he doesn't hide his feelings, and he loves me. A lot. I would hate to give that up for something as shallow as physical and sexual attraction. But I also couldn't stand to forget about these feelings between Best Friend and me, because it isn't just that spark of passion that I find in him. It is adventure, and mystery, and excitement, and tenderness...I absolutely do not know what to do. Please, if you have any advice, I need all that I can get.
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affair, best friend, broke up, crush, got back together, I love you, long distance, my ex, period, roommate, spark, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, MKrista +, writes (24 November 2009):
MKrista is verified as being by the original poster of the question I forgot two very important pieces of information:
1: I live with my boyfriend
2: We are in a 13-month contract with our roommates -- two of my girl friends from elementary school and, yes, Best Friend.
And the latest update:
Best Friend and I discussed what had happened and both agreed that it was not going to happen again -- he is not that kind of guy and I am definitely not that kind of girl. I told him that he would not be the reason for me ever breaking up with Boyfriend; if things did go awry it would be the doubts that I already have about my relationship. I decided that I needed a couple months to think it over and to see if I could work out what is making me uneasy about me and Boyfriend's relationship. I didn't get around to telling Best Friend this, though, since he interrupted me by telling me that he didn't really remember much from that night at all except that he went too far and he is sorry.
He doesn't remember what he said.
I'm still going to take a couple months to think about Boyfriend's and my relationship, but I am a little heartbroken about what happened between Best Friend and me. Maybe fate is telling me that what happened that night shouldn't have happened and that I should forget about it...
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (23 November 2009):
Lethal Injection below has got this right. I always say if you can't choose between them, it's because perhaps neither is 'The One'. A break from both does sound like the best idea. I think you would benifit more from being away from both, going to a quiet place where you can do some thinking and working out whether you would be better just focusing on your own life at the moment, rather than going out with a guy who you don't truly love. There will be guy out there for you, but I'm not sure either of these guys is the one for you.
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A
female
reader, LethalInjection-x +, writes (23 November 2009):
 Firstly, what a very sad situation for you to be in. I think most of us know how it feels to be torn between two people, unsure of who the best choice is.
Your boyfriend may be a wonderful man, but judging by what you've said, he might not be the right man for you. On the other hand, your best friend may be full of excitement and wonder, but again, he may not be the right man for you. Either way, it's unfair on anybody involved to keep dragging this out. If I were you, I would take a break from both of them. By this I mean, telling your boyfriend how confused you are right now, and that you want to make sure you're right for each other. You would also need to tell your best friend that you need some space to deal with things.
By doing this, you can partially remove yourself from the situation, making it easier to pick apart and deal with. If your boyfriend loves you, and really can imagine you together for the long run, he'll let you do this. He won't be all smiles, but everyone needs their space. &Well, your best friend has been around for so long already, a little longer shouldn't send him running.
You have to really think about this though. Are either of them right for you? Don't feel obliged to stick with your boyfriend because he's the "safe bet", if you're not attracted to him you'll be decieving him, constantly with wondering eyes and thoughts. If he's as nice as you make him out to be, he doesn't deserve this.
But don't go running to your best friend. Take into consideration that it may be the fact it's out of bounds that is attractive to you both. Or you may truely love each other, but not work as a couple.
Get your space. Have a couple of weeks away from both, then come back and list what you like about both. See if you can picture being with them in the long haul, etc.
I feel for you, and I hope you can solve this soon x
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