A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok, me and my boyfriend have been together for 6 months now. It's still early days I know, but it's also a long enough period to see how the persons personality is etc. My boyfriend had a troubled childhood, his mum ran away aged 5 and his dad beat him for years. He's now 25. Because of his childhood, he's very selfish, short tempered, angry and says things without thinking about people's feelings. He hates missing people n so hates missing me when hes away and he deals with it by shutting off. When he's with me hes attentive and affection etc but if I have ever got a problem with him I'm scared to bring it up because he flys off the handle and storms off. He can never have confrontation. He has an amazing job however and it now means him moving 150 miles away. He's asked me to move with him. I lost my job just before Xmas so I'm flexible as I have no commitments or ties, but I'm leaving behind all my friends, family an everything I know.. (if I go).I'm struggling to make a decision because deep in my heart I know I can't be 100% with this guy because if I confront him with something he says 'don't like it, don't be with me' or 'i hate it when you bring up s**t'. He opened up slowly to me about his childhood and how horrific it was. He told me that good things never last for him so half of me thinks as soon as he thinks hes going to lose something special, he shuts off and becomes defensive rather than try n work it out. He has never celebrated Xmas so he came to my house with my family for Xmas an he loved it. But half way through he left for a drive because he's never felt as part of a family or special day as he did. He breaks mr heart because I take these things for granted, and I loved making him feel special. He doesn't have a good relationship with his father and so ive only vaguely met him.. However I have never met his friends except a work colleague when I went to visit. I love him and when we're together we're great, but my question is basically.. Are there too many red flags to even consider moving to be with him and I should walk away? Or should I have patience with him because his childhood has clearly messed him up as an adult, and he needs support to change his ways?
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male
reader, BigMistake +, writes (17 January 2012):
I was in your EXACT same shoes about 4 years ago (click on my profile name and read a post I made back in 2008 and read my update from last week). My wife, then girlfriend, had "childhood issues" that negatively affected us (she had a bad temper, was irresponsible). Just like your boyfriend she admitted she had a problem and we even went to counseling for a long period of time. Things temporarily got slightly better but in the long run the same issues kept coming back. These sorts of things are DEEP within a persons personality and RARELY change.I can tell you that you'd be better off leaving him but I'm sure you won't listen (I sure didn't listen to the overwhelming number of responses telling me to leave my then girlfriend). Instead I would suggest you follow these simple steps that I copy/pasted from my response to the similar situation I had to deal with:1.Talk with your partner about what you would like to see change and make a plan together to fix your problem.2. Sit back and quietly observe for a period of weeks or months. Keep a written journal of the incidents that contradict what you and your partner agreed would change. So often many of these incidents are small (for example her refusing to help you with tax paper work and then complaining/arguing/yelling when it doesn't turn out the way she wanted). Many times these small incidents get blurry in our memory and after awhile we either down play them or forget them altogether. Seeing them written out allows you to see just how often it happens and how severe it really is. Also in my case my wife would insist I was remembering something incorrectly and try to flip it around to point the blame at me. Having a written account allows you to see that you are not crazy and puts things into perspective.3. Don't let your partner know about your "list" but if things don''t progress positively site these solid differences to your partner. Your partner may (if she was like mine) most likely either downplay these incidents or flat out deny them (but you will confidently know better).4. People very rarely change and if after trying steps 1-3 for a period of months without progress (don't waste your time doing this for more than 1 year) have the confidence to move on. Your life WILL be better without them and you can confidently leave knowing that you tried everything reasonable to change for the positive and they are the one who refused.Don't make the same mistake I did!
A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (17 January 2012):
 He is basing his response on indicators given to him by you on what you want to hear.
I would not trust it.
You don't have a sudden epiphany.
My epiphany came from within for me alone.
My interactions with other people have ALWAYS been the same.
I have always been open to talking to others.
My brother, on the other hand, is now a hard worker, for himself, so he can survive, etc., as he is grown up.
However, ask him about his feelings and all you will ever get is a resounding FUCK YOU.
We have different ways of coping.
Some require communication and openness to get over experiences while others become introverted and stay that way until a massive shock and awe happens to them.
Your moving with him based off of his word, which is worth very little compared to what you are sacrificing for him, is enabling him.
He has not had to be held accountable yet.
My father is the same way.
My mother will say some bullshit like if you don't change, am going to leave, etc.
However, he never changes and she always stayed.
He made a big mistake however. He got too drunk this time and wrecked the house.
She left him and hes all sad and depressed. However, he is changing now.
She left him and its too late, as he is 57 has ED and is not interested in improving his health. However, he is now getting a job and re-educating himself.
I strongly advise you to not move in with your boyfriend, especially since he is moving to another country.
Go with your instinct. Search your mind for the answers.
You'll know what to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2012): Agreed, admitting that he has a problem is the first step to fixing it. The next step is counseling. You'll know he's serious about changing if he goes to counseling and sticks with it. I would definitely not move away from your friends and family until he's made some progress with it.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (17 January 2012):
Hi. It's a start that he recognises he has a problem, so that's positive.
It now comes down to what he is going to do to resolve it, once and for all.
A good place to start is for you and him to sit down together and talk about how you can deal with this.
He needs to be told how you feel about him, and that you would like to try and make it work.
It also needs to be made clear that all effort is to be equal - by both of you. Otherwise, it's not going to continue, at all. Make this point crystal clear.
In your discussion, ask him if he is willing to do whatever it takes to make a go of it.
Depending on his answer, that might be decision time for you then.
However, it's not going to work if you are the only one putting in any effort, as you have said.
No matter what happens, you have to be prepared to follow through on your word about ending it with him, if he isn't going to work on himself.
The fact he hasn't come to collect his personal belongings as yet, seems to be a clear sign he probably would like to work things out with you.
If you decide you want out of this relationship after all, and he won't come to pick up his stuff, well then you take it over to him and drop it on the front verandah if you have to - with a note.
But lets see what he does from now on first, before deciding.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2012): loving him is not going to be enough in this case imo. talk to him and see if he is willing to go to counseling to work on his issues from his childhood and to really change how he treats you and your relationship. it's good that he admits he has a problem now, that's the first step for him changing his emotional outlook.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate No:2
Following my last update, I said I had walked away and was looking forward to a future. I was positive, I didnt speak to him and I kept myself busy. I text him on the weekend to ask if we are over now because he keeps postponing coming for his things, he said he just assumed we're over because we haven't spoken. I told him what the problem is (again) and this time he turned around and said he knows that he is the problem, he knows he is stubborn, angry and has a bad attitude, he knows that if he doesnt change then we cant be together and he told me how much he dreads losing me and how much he misses me.
So now im back to square one.
He's admitted he has a problem, he's admitted hes a jerk but how can I trust that we're not going to have this problem another 6 months down the line? I love him, but its too hard to deal with when all the effort is coming from me.
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A
male
reader, BigMistake +, writes (13 January 2012):
You made the right decision to leave! I was in a very similar situation with a girl who had "childhood issues". I wanted to help her through them even though they were negatively affecting our relationship. I ignored/downplayed the red flags and eventually got married. I naively thought she would change and we did have temporary periods of the relationship being better. Ultimately though the problems got worse and now we are getting divorced. People rarely change. You are sooooo lucky to be FREE of him and not get into the situation I did (or worse).
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (13 January 2012):
Hi. It sounds like he is in a bit of denial.
Maybe he just doesn't want to know he has a problem, or rather, won't ACCEPT he has a problem, so denies that a problem exists.
This is probably how he copes.
The trouble with that is even though it is self-preservation, if he never wants to talk about important things, well then he's going to live a very lonely life, because the problem won't go away by itself - it needs to be properly addressed.
The sooner he realizes that, the better off he'll be.
Unfortunately, it's a decision only he can make.
If it ever comes to a time where he knows it's getting in the way of intimacy, well then he might do something about it.
However, the problem won't go away until he reaches that point.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirstly Thank You everyone for your advice. The day i posted this, i confronted him about everything that was bothering me. This was everything that i had bottled up inside of me and it was the case I felt i was going to explode. I told him i dont like his temper, his bad attitude, some of the things he says to me is disrespectful and I told him I felt like he wasn't supporting my worries and concerns for taking a big commitment, when we cant even work out our problems. After saying this, he ignored me for hours and told me he hates when I bring stuff up and i should shut up. I left the ball in his court for days and when it got to today and still nothing, I decided to text him. I told him that his childhood still effects him and therefore this effects us, i told him unless he wants to change his ways, our issues arent going to be resolved and therefore if he cant make the effort, we should go our seperate ways. (If he wanted to be with me that much, he would work things out with me and fight for me) but no. He replied that he would drop my stuff to me later and collect his. I feel good though, I feel like im shutting a door on a dead end relationship and available for something much better in the future. Again thank you for all your support and help!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): In six months time and NOT living under the same roof with him you noticed that, please don't move in with him You'll hurt yourself more, and please I know what i'm telling you people who grew up in a violent environment tend do repeat the same pattern. because you said yourself you're not 100 percent with the guy which probably means you already know he's not right for you. he needs to face his issues and yet he isnt ready to open up, he should look for professional help, I know that some of us women tend to think we can fix our men, but we can't sometimes, people are just the way they areask yourself DO you love that person that much? SO much so that you can live with all those shortcomings I'm sorry but if in six months they're already troubling you, when you guys move in together they'll be even more noticiable. ... If he tells you good things don't last to him, he'll probably drag you away from your family and friends, and you'll be both emotionally and economically dependent on him, ( what about when you bring up a subject he doesn't like he'll just shut you out, not talk to you? Living in the same place? How long will you stand his distance? Specially without your friends/family support? ) He has never celebrated Xmas so he came to my house with my family for Xmas an he loved it. But half way through he left for a drive because he's never felt as part of a family or special day as he did. He breaks my heart because I take these things for granted, and I loved making him feel special. He makes you feel like a nurturer, and you like that, but he has deeper issues than you can help him deal with, and with the time you won't cope with them, because it's too much on you, and if he doesn't like talking now, it's maybe because he's not used to opening up, and that is not likely to change because you on the other hand will be afraid to upset him by confronting him. I hope you see how much heartache this will bring you later.However I have never met his friends except a work colleague when I went to visit.Maybe because he hasn't any? Dear this guy probably don't trust people enough to let them close enough to be his friend ( You must probably be feeling sorry for him, I'm too and I don't even know him, but that's not the kind of guy I see myself raising my kids with or with a longtime commitment) , I know we feel good doing things for people we love, but you're not his mother and you won't fill the void his family has left, It seems to me that moving with you to another city is a way of making you hold on to him, specially if you're completely dependant on him. If I were you I'd walk away, and if came here to ask this things your gut feeling is teling you the same, save yourself and him more future heartachem your boyfriends needs help, first to deal with his ability to trust, talk openly about his feelings and his self-esteem issues , then he 'll be able to have a healthy relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): "I'm struggling to make a decision because deep in my heart I know I can't be 100% with this guy because if I confront him with something he says 'don't like it, don't be with me' or 'i hate it when you bring up s**t'. "I don't think this aspect of his personality is likely to change at this age, although I could be wrong, so for me this would be enough to say no to the whole thing. Why start out a life with someone who you're afraid to be yourself with 100%? That is already a heavy burden in any relationship.I also don't think it's a good idea for you to move away from family and friends, with no job and with him as your only source of support. He was abused by his father and this may cause problems down the road when he has his own family if he does. Imo, he would have to go to counseling and show some sign that he realizes there are things he needs to work on in order for you to consider building a life with him. Talk to him about all of this. Don't be afraid to voice your feelings and concerns, this is your future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): There are some definite red flags, such as you're afraid to bring up things about him that bother you. I wouldn't move with him unless he gets counseling and you see some progress.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): Yeah it sounds like his childhood still affects him badly but what he has to realise that he can't expect a relationship to work out if he keeps behaving like this.Bottom line is a relationship won't work if you can't discuss anything that's bothering you without getting into an argument over it.You sound sensible and I also get the impression that you really do care for him, so I'd suggest either discussing this (or if he'll just storm out, write it down) with him and how you can't live like that for the rest of your life. Suggest he talks his issues through with someone and gets some help with counselling. If he's willing to try and change, I'd give the relationship a chance. If he won't even discuss or consider it then I'd say he's not ready to deal with it and move on and therefore not yet able to hold down a serious relationship. In which case I'd end things.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (10 January 2012):
 You're bright enough to realize you're with a dysfunctional guy. I'm glad you're at least open-minded and rational enough to realize that this man is not someone who will offer you stability in life. Fact is, you have only known him for 6 months and you already feel you're walking on egg shells. He has anger issues and cannot handle criticism. Why should you uproot your entire life and lose your family and friends for someone you don't feel comfortable and safe with?You're not the first, nor the last woman, who has tried to "help" and tried to make an unstable man feel "healthier" and "happier". You can't help him. He has to fix himself, or go seek professional help. You can only support his choices, but you cannot make those choices for him, or nurse him. It's just like with drug addicts, or alcoholics - they have to want to quit themselves and get help. The girlfriends, wives and/or children are not a factor.You're already hesitant to move in and rightfully so. It would be very naive of you to think this could work out. Follow your head - you already know this doesn't feel right. Healthy, confident and happy women do not want to be in a relationship with unhealthy, dysfunctional, unstable men. I used to like unstable men, but now that I am in a much better place mentally, and I would never give such men a second glance. You know what you need to do to protect yourself.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (10 January 2012):
I had the same thing with my childhood.
He needs to grow up, just like I did.
It has been six months. There are a lot of very normal guys that are really good all the time, not just when it conveniences them.
Ultimately, you are the one that makes the decisions, but listen to reason and fact from someone who has his past.
Inbox if you have any questions.
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A
female
reader, bardia +, writes (10 January 2012):
 I just left a similar relationship (although he did not have the degree of abuse yours does). If he's willing to get help, you might have a chance. If not, let go now. If he's not willing to communicate & listen then you'll be stuck in a controlling and possibly dangerous situation. Think long and hard about this one. We can't fix them all...trust me... :(
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (10 January 2012):
Hi there. It sounds like his childhood life still influences his life as an adult.
He has learnt to not trust people, or at least doesn't know when he CAN trust people.
This causes all sorts of problems, no doubt.
He has a fear of intimacy, because he believes if he gets close to someone, they'll leave his life. Especially, a female. Because his mother ran away when he was only 5 years old.
Consequently, his father brought him up - without a partner.
That was probably really challenging. No emotional support of a partner. So when he beat his son up, it was probably out of frustration.
I'm not condoning that, just getting an understanding.
You can't change history, so your only choice is to accept it.
What it really comes down to is trust.
He hasn't learnt to trust, because he has a constant fear of being left alone and rejected.
So his defence mechanism, is to hold back a bit, so as to not get too deeply involved and risk getting hurt all over again.
It does get in the way of emotional connection with people, that's a fact.
And there either is or about to be a 150 mile distance between you, because of his work. So that's a barrier to closeness as well.
It's a very big decision to leave your life behind you to be with him, should you decide to do that. It's also a gamble.
You have said here, that you get along really well when you are together, so that's a good thing. And he also enjoys the family environment with you, a thing he didn't have the presence of in his childhood, so he does know what he misses out on, doesn't he?
That's also another very positive thing.
So we know what he likes and doesn't like, so that's a good start.
Don't be too discouraged by his spasmodic behaviour, it's more of a symptom than a condition. It's probably not too much of a concern for you.
There would only be grave concerns if he was being physically abusive with you - like when his father hit him as a child. That isn't happening though, is it? I am assuming it isn't, otherwise you would have mentioned it here.
His father wasn't physically abusing him in the sense we usually relate to - hitting him for no reason, or when intoxicated - so that's the reason I believe it was simply out of frustration of being on his own bringing up children without the help of their mother. It would have been incredibly hard for him, I'm sure. It definitely would not be easy.
It seems to show all the signs of having promise for a happy future together. So I wouldn't be giving up on him if I were you. Especially, as you seem to get along and with a pretty good rapport. Those are the things you need to hang onto when considering a future with him.
Don't rush into the HUGE decision of whether to move, just yet. Let things settle a bit.
You do however, need to be able to see each other regularly - say once a fortnight. Whatever is reasonable.
By reasonable, I mean the cost to drive or fly. The time it takes. The cost of fuel or airfares. It has to be affordable and practicable, obviously, for it to work. For both of you.
In any case to leave family and friends behind, is a very big decision, and not one to be taken lightly. So don't rush into a decision too quickly. Take your time over it.
In way one at least it's easy for you - you are not working right now. So there's no commitment there.
The big decision of course, is the family and friends. 150 miles is a substantial distance, isn't it?
So it's probably not a journey you could make every weekend. Maybe once a month or every two months.
So the same is true if you decide to stay where you are, and commute to be with him.
So you have some serious thinking to do now, don't you?
And before making any kind of decision as to whether to move, you first need to sit down together and have a long discussion about the best way to make it work for both of you.
It has to be a win-win - or not at all.
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