A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I would like others' input on whether I am being unrealistic. This will be kind of long, but it's important to me and I very much appreciate anyone who takes the time to read and provide honest input.I have been seeing my girlfriend for about a year and half. We both came out of lengthy marriages (hers 15 years, mine 19 years) and started seeing each other around the time the marriages ended (so we've both been out of the "game" for a long time, although we're both very good "flirts" and have a lot of interest in us from the opposite sex). Generally speaking, we have a great relationship. We both enjoy time together and are both very open about communicating things we do or don't like, etc., in the relationship. We always seem to agree we're "on the same page" about most things.But here's my problem, and it's a bit hard to articulate: I sometimes feel like her attention to me waxes and wanes. I a not sure if it really does, and if does I'm not sure if it's that big of a deal. But it bothers ME. While we communicate well, very well, this one issue is a problem because we've talked about it so much that even communicating about it sometime creates conflict.For example:On one day she seems very excited about "us" and talks constantly about a trip we have planned, and how we should go shopping for new clothes right before the trip, and how we should take off work the day before the trip and just stay in bed and relax so we're not tired at all on the trip and can enjoy it, and how much she loves me, and how such-and-such will look great in the "dreamhouse" we're going to build together once both of our kids are grown (we both have minor children so we live separately and only spend our time together when the kids are with our exes, the kids don't know we have a relationship - and that's our mutual choice). She is very attentive, constantly saying she loves me, she adores me, etc. If we're apart she is constantly texting, if one of us is slow in responding we poke fun at one another (like texting, "Hellllooo, lover, quit ignoring me, I need my attention!!!), and so forth.But then on another day she will seem more what I call "distant." She might be just fine on a telephone call, but then she'll be slow in responding to texts, avoid talking about planning something together (like dinner tomorrow now), avoid talking about anything that seems romantic or flirty, etc. If I ask her about it she seems annoyed and says she is busy or a lot on her mind or something like that and then will say something like, "Why do you always do this? Some days I am just not in a close kind of mood and that doesn't mean I don't love you or that I'm losing interest or something, it's just one of those days!"And then at other times there seems to be a mix of things and she will seem "normal" when we talk or text, but then she seems more excited about going to have lunch or happy hour drinks with friends of hers than about spending time with me. She will get all fixed up, maybe new clothes, etc., and excited about a night out with friends. She will seem to be in one of those "moods" when talking to me, like totally unexcited, but then light up and get very excited when a friend texts or calls. She seems to start sounding more distant in text, the texts are slower, she's "busy" with all of her friends texting and calling, etc. Now, I understand we all have different moods. And I understand everybody needs their space and time with friends, etc. But am I unrealistic in expecting to always feel like, even when she's doing other things or feeling a mood swing, I'm still the most important thing in her life? Like I said, this is hard to articulate because I know this sounds somewhat controlling/clingy/needy and I don't think I am but that's why I am asking if I am being unrealistic. I don't mind her going out to lunch, dinner, drinks, whatever with friends, with or without me, but when it IS our time (when we're together, talking, or texting) I want to feel like regardless of how much fun she's having or what's going on in her life, she still thinks I'm the best part. I want that because that's how I am with her. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, where I am, or whatever, she is still on my mind all the time.Anyway, that's enough for now, I'll provide more information if requested, but just generally want to know if it sounds like I'm making something out of nothing or if I should be even more bothered that she sometimes seems to be more "distant."Thanks, everybody!
View related questions:
flirt, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (25 August 2012):
 Alright, I have a few questions. How often are "those days" when she doesn't feel especially close? Does anything trigger them? I am a very moody person by nature. Sometimes I am very into my husband and other days I don't want to lay together or talk a whole lot. Sometimes it is his fault and sometimes I am stressed out by something or pissed about work. When I get like that he usually continues to try to talk to me and I open up and feel a lot better afterwards. But it is always something that triggers it, I am not just randomly distant for no reason. And I always still respond to texts and don't get angry at my husband for wanting to speak to me. I love that he still does because it shows he cares.
So maybe work gets her like that and then friends eases her mind? Maybe friends feel like an escape. Either way it seems to be who she is so it's something you have to deal with I suppose. Since you have communicated with her about it I don't see much else to do. I guess you could ask if anything causes her to be that way or if she is feeling particularly distant to let you know rather than not answer texts. It is a little odd for it to be random and basically ignoring plans with you, especially if she isn't angry with you. And I don't think you are weird to find a problem with this or making a problem out of nothing. If she was always this way, so back and forth without explanation then getting angry when you ask, I couldn't deal with it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, AmberNuttall, for the input. I have worried about those same issues (from both of our standpoints) but we have actually talked about those specific concerns. We have had a couple rough spots where we both questioned whether we actually wanted a relationship but we both have always come around and said yes, we do. She tells me, frequently, that she is happy to be in a relationship, this relationship, and wants nothing more than this relationship forever.
...............................
A
female
reader, AmberNuttall  +, writes (25 August 2012):
To be completely honest, the thing that worries me is that you were both in very long-term marriages, met almost straight away and have been together since. Her being on and off, to me is a sign she is unsure about what she wants in the future. She could be worried your both becoming too involved and serious far too quickly, jumping from one serious relationship to another. She could be weighing up her options, or just deciding if this is what she really wants. I would honestly just talk to her, ask her where she see's the two of you in future, or whether she's currently happy with how your relationship currently is. Good luck!
...............................
|
