A
female
age
36-40,
*eft In The Rain
writes:Recently my boyfriend of 6 years left me. We lived together for most of that time and spent every hour of the day together apart from when we were at work. He said he didnt love me anymore and moved out. With tears in his eyes he asked me not to hate him and asked to be friends. He said he needs space. 2 weeks after we split up, i asked him to come to mines as i needed company. My family dont care and friends seem to have other things on there mind. He said he would visit me but at the last minute he cancelled and said it was because i had bombarded him with texts and calls. He then turned off his mobile and ignored me for 3 days. Eventually he came to see me and to get his clothes which he has left. I begged him for another chance and he said not just now, he wants space. Then he said he started seeing someone else on the night he was going to visit me. He said he met her 2 months before we split but didnt cheat. Now i feel like i have lost him forever. I cant stop crying, i call and text him most days and the days i dont are so hard. I just want to be with him again. How can i get him back? We were making plans for the future and now he is doing our plans without me. What should i do?
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at work, moved out, needs space, split up, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): Girl, he left you before..........you know he will again. he is just stringing you along and PLAYING at being Mr. Nice Guy.
(just my opinion)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): Sounds good so far, but I would still be cautious. This must feel pretty nice right now, but try not to jump straight back into the deep end, so to speak. If he wants you back, then let him prove that to you. Keep things light if you can, take it slowly, and see if he is willing to work on this. Don't make it too easy for him. I know you might be worried that this may put him off, but it is space he wanted in the first place, so try giving him that and see if he makes a decision about what he wants.You are doing great though, you seem to be handling this really well, even though it must be difficult. Keep going, keep being strong! x
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): well is he or isnt he your BF , its time for him to make a decison, staying with you, kissing you, saying he loves, you they are all things that a bf would do. time for him to make a choice and then live by it.
Like it or not he is stringing you on.
I think you have to be strong and tell him put up or shut up.
Sorry I know thats harsh but how gutted will you feel if he texts tonight and says hes meeting someone else,
you need clarity and closure if thats the situation.
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female
reader, Iloveribbons  +, writes (8 September 2009):
Well I think that's definitely a positive thing. And not sleeping with him was a great decision!! He's already starting to miss you,so don't stop playing hard to get yet. I think what you need to do now is maybe not let him call over and spend time with you...because then this way it's possible that he will just be able to ease himself out of the relationship gradually. I know it's hard,but the next time he wants to spend time with you, tell him that you're busy and have plans. Don't be available to him or you will not be seen as something special that he feels lucky to have. Distance yourself from him and REALLY make him see what not having you in his life means.xxxxxx
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female
reader, Left In The Rain +, writes (7 September 2009):
Left In The Rain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey - updated time. He stayed with me at the weekend, told me he loved me and missed me then kissed me THEN said sorry, i dont mean to lead you on, i just didnt realise how mych i missed you until i seen you again.So glad i didnt sleep with him because i think he feels bad now for leading me on. He keeps saying i was his best friend and he doesnt want to lose me.What you think?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): k_c100 !!!!!!!! ,I was totally amazed from your answer. You were like a real grown woman. Did you go for therapy for this? I think ,you know more than me at 22.Wow. I'm 48 years old living in a dead marriage, and trying to learn, what you know very well, how to be happy when ,your man does not make you happyI used to believe that love is everything. My husband blow me away with his love. I wasn't a happy child, and he gave me love. It was an incredible feeling. But I got hooked on it. And now its over , and I m back too be my own childhood again.I'm just a cry baby, ''give me love'' I need to grow up, like you at 22.. Congratulation! I have still a lot to learn.. Great advice!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): You shouldn't fear letting him go. If he does love you and wants to be with you he will come back. If he doesn't then would you really want to settle down with him?It's very easy now to get confused about what you want I know I did.Look, its still raw. But your BF or ex BF will not truly miss you until you are gone. I'd send him a text and say, that seeing as it's over you think it'd be better to not speak for a while. Then don't.At the moment he has all the power. You deserve to be wanted and he needs to do that of his own accord.I wish you well but no contact means just that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): the others have given you so much of good advice. Hugs from me - i know you are hurting.if you can wipe away those tears for a while, please do and please read the little i have to say."He visits me and gives me tight cuddles and then he cried but tells me to stop crying. ...He still puts kisses in his texts and says he comes to see me to make sure im ok as he doesnt like to see me upset. "can you see what he is doing. he does all of this , not to make you feel better, but just to alleviate HIS GUILT. he is so smooth. he planned to leave you. his tears is mere crocodile tears and he doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy, WHICH HE IS. LOOK BEYOUND THE LOVE YOU HAVE FOR HIM. LOOK AT THE REALITY. how can you trust anything he says or does. he knew this other woman before he decided to leave you. he went on a date with her the very day he was supposed to come to you. he is still seeing the other person. i know how hurt you are BUT PLEASE get a hold of yourself. yes, cry and mourn the years you have wasted with him. but wipe those tears away and resolve to yourself to get over him. it may take you months, a year even. BUT believe me, you will move on. it seems futile me telling this to you now but you need to know that HE IS NOT COMING BACK. i am seem like a witch to you by telling you this that you do not want to hear. but, babes, you need to hear this, as hard and as cruel as it seem, you need to accept it. where is your healing if you still want him in your life. why settle for crumbs, why settle to be second best? surely if you are honest with yourself you will realise that you deserve better. your heart is breaking and you still investing EVERYTHING in him. but listen, you are investing in NOTHINGNESS right now. PLEASE STOP CONTACTING HIM, stop being hopeful, stop, stop , stop. Cut him out of your life. by you still allowing him in your life, you are making it easy for him to beleive he is a good guy. you are begging him for another chance. yet, this good guy wants nothing more to do with you, so where is the good guy that he professes to be. k c and others have provided valuable pointers, valueable survival tactics during this painful time in your life. please read those words, live those words and please cut him out TOTALLY. sometimes when we have done everything, and all is have is just a little pride, surely this little pride is worth salvaging. your life is precious, you will over him SLOWLY and you will move on slowly. take a deep breath and resolve that you will get better and that you will cope. you do not need him to get over him. RELEASE YOURSELF FROM THE HOLD HE HAS OVER YOU. see him for the *asteard that he has been to you. he has gotten over you very quickly with this other girl. how about having some respect for yourself now. please see him for the bastard he has been to you. see him without the blinkers. see the real, perhaps cheating man, he has been. mourn the loss of your relationship but then wipe those tears away for good.........and then move on to a better quality person. Take care and create some peace in your life.without this man, whom you think is caring and kind and sorry for what he has done..........NO HE ONLY WANTS TO ALLIVIATE HIS GUILT. BELIEVE THIS, REMEMBER THIS.
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (3 September 2009):
 I am so sorry for your grief. He is confused about where the relationship is going. He moved out to get some space. Perhaps he fears he is being smothered. Who knows.
What will be hardest of all is that you are hurting over this and it has gotten the best of you.
Sometimes all you can do is let the pain out and move on. Its hard to do that, believe me, with 6 years under your belt with him, it takes awhile.
The shame of all of this of course is that the longer the relationship the harder it is to heal, and the longer it will take. But you know there are things you can do other than think about him.
I would put it this way. Instead of texting him and phoning him, why not just let him have his space? If he really does love you and you prove to him that you can back off, then maybe he might think twice.
Right now, you are pushing him away by insisting he come back.
Let him be and he'll decide. In the meantime you need to make yourself happy doing something else other than waiting for him to decide.
This is the moving on part. I know its hard because you're anxious all the time, you're in pain, and you don't feel like being out there.
But I'll bet if you went with some friends, or maybe made some new friends, you could at the very least enjoy a pint at a pub, or play darts, or anything else that keeps you busy for an hour a day. Then make it 2 hours and so forth.
The more of a social life you have, the less you will hurt.
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female
reader, Left In The Rain +, writes (3 September 2009):
Left In The Rain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies.
He said he is still single, the person he is seeing is nothing serious. I want to give him space as i want him to be with me not her but im scared incase i give him his space and he doesnt come. What if he gets his space and then falls for her? He visits me and gives me tight cuddles and then he cried but tells me to stop crying.
I miss his so much. He still puts kisses in his texts and says he comes to see me to make sure im ok as he doesnt like to see me upset.
When we started going out i was very slim and like some women do, i put on weight. I put on 6 stone so i cant really blame him for leaving me. Since the split i have lost 15lbs and its only been 2 and a half weeks. I miss him more and more each day. Some days i think i dont need him and then others i cry all day. He wont reply to most of my texts and says his mobile is on silent for some peace. When he does reply he says he isnt ignoring me, just busy getting his new house sorted out.
I have asked him if he wants to visit on saturday night and he said yes. my friends keep telling me to cut all contact with him but he has been my boyfriend and best friend for so long. I dont want to live without him.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (3 September 2009):
 I'm so sorry, this must be so awful for you. But the sad reality is that he has left you for another woman - the relationship is over. For good. He is never coming back, and even if he wanted to come back you should never let him back in your life again, you deserve so much better!
This might be hard to accept but just think about what he and his new girlfriend are saying/thinking about you right now - you are the crazy ex girlfriend that wont leave him alone. They will be laughing at you, saying that you are his stalker and she will be telling all her friends about her boyfriends "crazy ex". If you carry on calling him and texting him like you are doing it is just going to make things worse - they will laugh at you, thinking your crazy and you will drive them closer together. Men hate needy girls, women that text them all the time etc. So the more you do this, the more he will think "good job I'm out of that one, my new girlfriend is great..."
Put down the phone, turn off your computer and refrain from contacting him!
If he has got all his stuff from your house now then you have no reason to be in touch anymore - he has moved on and it is time for you to do the same. Delete his number (make sure it is gone from your call list, phone book....anywhere that number might be stored!), delete him from facebook/myspace etc, delete his email....every form of contact you have with him needs to be gone. Otherwise the temptation will be there to try and contact him and that will make things worse. I know this will be so hard but believe me it is the only way to get over a man! And it will stop you in the future from sending any embarassing texts or calling him when you are drunk, having a right old rant at him or declaring your undying love for him.
Ok so right now you feel rubbish, all you want is him back and you cant stop crying. The first thing to do is realise he is not coming back, ever. And next you need to accept that you will be feeling rubbish for quite some time. The next 2 weeks you are allowed to wallow around in self-pity, eat as much chocolate as you want, watch as many cheesy films as you want and wear your PJ's all day if you want.
Basically losing someone in a break-up is almost like a death - you go from having that person there all the time to nothing at all. So you have to allow time to grieve for the loss of your partner, just as you would if they had died. I know it sounds extreme but it is the best way to approach it. So take some time to just be upset - cry and be angry, just allow all these feelings to come out.
Once you have made it past the 2 week - 1 month point after the break-up, thats when you need to say to yourself "enough is enough" and you move on with your life. I know right now you dont want to move on and all you want is to get him back, but the reality is you cant get him back. So you have a choice - you either remain single forever moaning to anyone who will listen about the man who left you, or you take a deep breath and say "right, I'm going to get back out there and enjoy my life".
This will be an alien concept to you seen as you have been in a relationship for so long, but life can be fun without a man. Yes at times you are lonely and want someone to snuggle up with, yes funny things will happen during the day and you want that special person to tell them about it because only they would appreciate it, yes you want to be loved because nothing feels better....but you can have a wonderful life and be happy alone! It takes practice but you get there in the end!
It sounds like you were quite dependent on your boyfriend so this will be extra hard for you. Spending all of your time with someone is not healthy, nor is begging someone to take you back when he (not you) is in the wrong. You really need to cut off contact with him, I cannot stress how important this will be for you.
Once you get past the 2 week/1 month mark, what you then need to do is make plans for your own life. What makes you happy? What do you enjoy doing? What are your dreams? What do you want to achieve in the next year? When you are in a relationship so many of our own personal dreams fall by the wayside because we are too busy planning things to do together. Being single means you can focus on yourself, you can be selfish and have no-one to moan at you for it!
Take me for example, I have been in relationships since I was 15 and had no time inbetween to be single. So here I am, 22 and single since Feb! It has been horrible at times, it has been great at times. I love being able to do my own thing, spend money on clothes and not have someone saying "shouldnt you be saving that for our holiday/new house/meal next week...etc. Life can be good as a single person but you just need to learn how to manage alone.
The most important thing you need to achieve over the next 6 months is being happy alone. Being comfortable with your own company. Being happy with who you are as a person. It takes time and a lot of soul searching but once you get there you realise that you are a great person and any man would be lucky to have you. That spending a Saturday night at home alone is nice, not sad. A woman who is comfortable with herself, who is just as happy alone as she is with friends/family, and who knows herself inside out is the most attractive thing in the world to a man. Right now to your ex you are clingy, needy and whiny. That is not a good look!
So you must spend time alone! 6 months I would say of being single will sort you out. Once you emerge from these 6 months you will be happier, more confident, and generally a better person! You will find that once you can be alone and be happy, that you dont need a man quite so much anymore. Instead of that crazy burning desire to be with someone, it will be replaced with "it would make my life just that little bit better if I had a man to share it with". Once your life is great without a man, then you can move on and try and find that next great guy who will make life just a little bit better.
You have unfortunately spent the last 6 years with a typical guy, a man that has no ability to communicate and one that is happy treating you badly. Think about it - do you really want to get back with a man that would happily ignore the so called love of his life who he has just spent 6 years with? That is not the sort of guy you want in your life! Dont give him the ultimate satisfaction that he is happy with his new girlfriend while you are sad and lonely. Dont let him do that to you!
Now is the time to realise he has treated you terribly and you deserve more than that! Make your own plans for the future, plans that will make you happy. Let him have his life with this new girl, I would be surprised if they lasted more than 1 year! The grass is always greener on the other side, so the liklihood is that when he gets bored of her, he will do the exact same as he did to you and find a new girl to mess around.
Keep on telling yourself that he is a jerk (call him all the names under the sun if you want!) and you deserve better. Allow yourself to mourn the loss of your relationship (but not for too long). Then make plans for the rest of your life, make plans to make you happy. Enjoy life as a single woman and enjoy your own company. And never stop believing that the right guy is out there, because he is, you just havent met him yet.
When you love yourself, when you respect yourself....thats when someone will come into your life who will love and respect you. After all, how can you expect someone to make you happy when you are not happy with yourself? How can you expect someone to want to spend time with you if you cannot even spend time alone with yourself?
Be strong, and be brave. You can get through this I promise and you will come out on the other side a much better person for it.
I hope this helps and feel free to message me if you want to!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): Ive been in your shoes, GF of 6.5 years dumped me and that was that. That was two years ago and Ive learned the following things.
1. You will get through this.
2. You will find somebody else.
3. You need to cry and let all your pain and anguish out.
4. The pain will get less and less.
5. It really doesnt matter what he is doing whom with or where because he is the past.
6. You can never just be friends with this guy, you love him and so you guys have to stop talking for a significant period of time until you can look at him and not want him (in my case that will be for ever.
7. The feelings that you have for him now will change.
Thats enough about him, you need to allow you time to grieve properly, I would strongly advise against finding another guy, get over this one first.
Look after yourself, be nice to yourself, regarding your family they may just not know what to say to you, sometimes there is nothing you can say.
I hope this helps, ive been there and do feel your pain, PM me if you wish,
All the best, chin up Lady youll get through this.
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female
reader, Iloveribbons +, writes (3 September 2009):
I really feel for you. Firstly though, STOP CONTACTING HIM. Seriously, I know all you want to do is talk to him all the time and convince him that he made a mistake, but I guarantee you, this will not work. I have also just broken up with someone. Someone who I truly believed would be the guy I'd marry. All the professional advice I have read talls me not to contact him. You have to give him a chance to miss you. It's the first step. People do not just turn off their feelings so I'm sure he still loves you, but if you continue to annoy him you will just force him into thinking that the breakup was the right thing to do because clearly you are 'needy and insecure'! Just take a step back and cut all contact. How can he even begin to miss you if you are always there?? xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): I am sorry this is happening. This must be very painful and upsetting for you.
He has already told you what he needs from you right now - space. So I think the best thing you can do is try and respect that and stop contacting him. This will be extremely hard to do, I know. But with you phoning him and texting him lots, is it helping the situation? No. It is just causing more pain for you, and making him pull away even more. So honestly, try as much as you can to not contact him. When you feel an urge to phone or text, do something else, do anything else, until that strong urge fades into something you can control.
It sounds like you had a very intense relationship, and that you spent most of your time together. My guess is that he has reached a point where he feels smothered, and he wants some freedom and space. This must be very difficult on you though. As for this other woman, it might not mean much. It could be that he has latched onto somebody else, because of the novelty of having a new relationship. It doesn't necessarily mean anything though. It is hard to say. But even so, if he is seeing somebody else now, there is little you can do about it.
What you can do is make a decision to try and carry on with your life as best as you can. It must feel like your world as you know it has just come to a stop. But you could be waiting a very long time for him. Why put your life on hold when he is doing other things with his life? I do recognise though that this must be hard. Your lives were connected, and now they are more seperate. But space is probably what you both need right now.
Try to see your friends more, keep busy, take up a new activity...anything, just don't spend too much time moping and waiting for this guy to decide whether he will come back or not. He is moving on into other areas of his life, why shouldn't you? He may come back to after some time apart, who knows? It is still too early to tell. But either way, you can either stop your life and wait around for him, or try to carry on as much as you can. He is...why shouldn't you? This must be very painful right now though, so take care of yourself, and try to get support from your friends if possible. Good luck. x
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