A
female
age
30-35,
*aphiraGold16
writes:I haven't long come out of a 2 year relationship, we split up because I had a miscarriage and it was the worst thing I've ever been through and my ex partner was not supportive at all, despite that I tried and tried to make the relationship work, including trying for a baby an idea he wasn't keen on, in the end I realised that and he would have ended up resenting our child, I'm not going to say the miscarriage was the best thing to happen because if I could change it I really would.Anyway about a month or two after my split from the ex partner, who may I add I've had to continue to live with as both of us are moneyless and can only afford to live together, living apart which would be impossible with our bills etc, I met my current boyfriend he does seem perfect, we've been together just over 7 months and we've already made these plans, trying to conceive in October 2012, moving away July 2013, he's currently in uni and we're been really wise I think by not conceiving until at least October as if I was really lucky and got pregnant straight away I'd be giving birth after he'd finished uni, anyway we've been religiously making lists, plans etc working out whether financially, physically having a baby this early on and its worked out that it is very much possible. I'm really happy, the happiest I've ever been actually, after going through so much the last 2 years I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel, my only concern is that maybe we're rushing it, in my heart I don't feel like we are, I love him and I know by the way he looks at me that he's madly in love with me too, he really is the perfect guy, okay he has flaws but to me he is perfect and I couldn't imagine anyone better to have a family with and start off my life and end my life with, what do you all think? please bare in mind that like I said financially physically etc it is possible it's simply me wondering if people on the outside would think it would be rushed?
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female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (19 August 2012):
 Why bother posting a question and asking what anyone thinks? You clearly don't care about any of the answers anyway. All very good answers from person12345 and they are being ignored because you know you are right and doing it anyway. So I'm just missing the point in asking anyone's opinion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2012): it sounds as though you are not asking a question as such, which is the whole point of this website. you are trying to justify it. it is not fair to bring a child into the world when you dont even know if you people will last. you are not pregnant, you have choices, make the most of them while you can. I dont know anyone 18-21 who can support a child and themselves without benefits, just something I thought I should add.
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female
reader, SaphiraGold16 +, writes (19 August 2012):
SaphiraGold16 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I've already had counselling for the miscarriage, it doesn't/hasn't worked.
I won't end up back at my parents as I haven't lived with them since I was 16, I've relied on myself since 16 and I've done it since, so without knowing me personally you can't say that.
As for seeing 16 and pregnant and teen mom yes I have the difference is the majority of them are under the age of 16 when pregnant they also live with their parents, like I said for me I haven't lived with my parents for many years now and I'm also not 16. I work my ass off to get money and I have money saved and the same for my partner, like previously said financially it isn't a problem, it was never a problem, emotionally and physically it's not a problem, the problem is the judging from other people.
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female
reader, SaphiraGold16 +, writes (18 August 2012):
SaphiraGold16 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaybe, regardless the getting pregnant is definitely happening, at least I know I need to grow a thick skin and accept not everyone will approve with the decisions my partner and I make.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (18 August 2012):
 You are still not thinking about what's best for your child at all. You are only thinking about yourself. It's best for the child to grow up in a stable environment, but after college you will be moving around a lot and still getting settled into real life. One of my friends is only a year and a few months out of college and has already moved across the country four times for different jobs. Not because she wants to travel but because otherwise she wouldn't have work. The only friends of mine who haven't moved at least twice are the ones who are unemployed/living at home working minimum wage. One of my friends makes plenty of money, the rest work either unpaid or for extremely low pay. You should be thinking about how you can give a baby the best possible life, not what this baby can give you. Unless you have some kind of trust fund available to you, you WILL be struggling for money if you do this now. If you break up, at least twice as hard to make ends meet, regardless of how much your boyfriend tells you he would support you.
What you're offering right now is an extremely young mom who is maybe or maybe not going to have help raising this baby, and who it sounds like doesn't even have a job for after college. More than half of recent graduates move home and the majority take between 6 months-a year to find reasonable work, which you won't have the luxury of doing once you have a kid. You got this college degree, now you want to throw it away so you can work minimum wage because you have to?
You are just not being responsible here. You are unwilling to wait even a year or two to give things a chance to settle out before you get what you want. Children require more patience than you can possibly imagine and here you're not even willing to wait one year out of an entire lifetime to ensure your child has the best possible life.
I think you really need to speak to a therapist about your miscarriage. If you're in college then you have those resources available for free and should use them. The more I read through this question the more it becomes apparent that you are rushing to replace your lost pregnancy. Reread your first paragraph over and over. You already lost your first relationship because you rushed to replace the miscarried pregnancy, why do it again?
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female
reader, SaphiraGold16 +, writes (18 August 2012):
SaphiraGold16 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand what your saying about the possibly breaking up and stuff the point is, I want a baby, it's just a plus that I've found someone who wants that too, if we did break up like I said we're the type of people who would always put that child first anyway and I'm not the type of person to stay with someone purely because I have a child with them and neither is he we would work our butts off to make the relationship work but if it didn't work and the child would be more happy and better off with me and him apart then we would. Either way it may sound bad but I will be having a baby regardless to whether me and him last or not, he knows to me having a baby is more important than anything else.
To the comment below that, financially it is possible, like I said we've worked things out, put money that we'd have left etc it is 100% possible we are both very organized and wouldn't rush in to having a baby unless we could afford it.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (18 August 2012):
I think it's not a good idea to be rushing this so soon. You said yourself there's no need to sign a piece of paper, there's also no need to be getting pregnant so soon. Don't you think each other are enough for now?
Just because you are perfect for each other doesn't mean you need to be rushing your future. Seven months is really nothing in the grand scheme of things. You are planning to spend your whole lives together, that's many decades. Why not let it play out, let some time pass, enjoy each other and bask in the glow of being newly coupled and then start on a family? Seven months is just so short to be changing your entire life over. I knew my boyfriend was "the one" and he knew I was "the one" about five or six months in, but we have been taking it slowly. I'm so glad we did because even though our love for each other hasn't done anything but get stronger and more stable, everything else has changed. Once we graduated college the lives we'd so neatly planned out were ENORMOUSLY different from the plans. The things we wanted even a year ago are completely different. Just because you are still going to be together doesn't mean everything won't radically change.
The feelings also did change pretty dramatically. Luckily it grew from how you are feeling right now into a more stable comfortable feeling. What you're in is called the honeymoon phase. You think what you have is much more special than what everyone else has, being apart for even a day makes you feel very sad, being together feels like you're in some kind of special magical bubble, but it wears off. Sometimes it wears off into a lifelong love, which it very well might for you. But sometimes it wears off and the relationship doesn't survive. You don't want to be bound to it with a child, for the rest of your life, if that does happen. I'm not saying it will, but you can so easily just wait and be sure.
The time between your college life and your "real" life in the world is so different you might have trouble believing it's the same life at all. It's not trivial to adapt to it. Being pregnant and having a baby during college will feel and seem completely different than post-college. Even if you are together, the world and what you need from it will be completely different. It just doesn't make sense to be permanently binding yourself to these kinds of plans before you even know what your life post-college will be like. There's so much at stake not waiting, but literally nothing at stake waiting. Huge risk versus no risk and the gain is exactly the same. It's just not a risk worth taking.
You are also risking your relationship on this. As you stay in a relationship you become more stable. Right now you may be deliriously in love, but it doesn't say anything about stability. Children test that stability to its very limits. Right now your love is like a little sapling and having a child could snap it right in half. But if you are together longer, it grows stronger and that chance is less. If you are unwilling to even consider the possibility that you might break up, then you are certainly not ready for parenthood.
I know we're just an internet group. But I had friends like you guys. They were in their junior year of college, they got pregnant at the end of summer. They were the perfect couple, they were going to be together forever. They posted happy pictures from the delivery room. Within months, the woman was failing every class. Her boyfriend was cheating on her and going out drinking every night. He would walk around with the baby in a stroller smoking cigarettes right next to him. They fell apart and their lives were ruined. If they had waited a year, it would not have happened like that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2012): you are too young and not ready financially aswell as not having been together long enough.
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female
reader, SaphiraGold16 +, writes (17 August 2012):
SaphiraGold16 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I have met his family and he has met mine. We have yet to discuss anything with his family but have discussed with my family and they think it's a good idea, I wasn't asking on here because I thought my family or his would disapprove they both can tell how much we love each other and how we will last, I know it in my heart that we will, it was just the fact of my friends etc whether they would in fact judge.Marriage isn't an issue, I'm not against marriage but I don't believe you NEED to be married to have a child, to be honest, I could be with my partner for another 20 years and I doubt I'd ever want to get married, signing a piece of paper in my mind doesn't mean your any more or less committed and devoted to your partner, he knows I'm his and I know he's mine we don't need to dress up in fancy clothes and sign on the dotted line to prove that, one thing my child will always know is that marriage doesn't mean a relationship will be perfect and whether on that slim chance me and my partner don't work out we are both 100% committed as future parents anyway, our child would always come first.Actually we have spent New Years and Christmas together we just weren't a couple at that time.
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