A
female
age
41-50,
*ConfusedChick
writes:Well today is day 30 of our 1 month agreed to "break". For those of you that have read my other posts you will know that I've been through a lot with my boyfriend of 3.5 years and while he kept telling me he wanted to marry me and that we have the same dreams and goals, he just wasn't moving forward. He had been married before and it was a disaster, ending after only one year. He is terrified of something like this happening again and so while that fear is more important to him than I am and I continue to wait and make my needs secondary he will never have a true need to fight his fear. So because he was not moving forward our therapist suggested we either take a break or actually end things. He chose the break and because I do want it to work, I agreed to it for a month. I have kept to the no contact and have been through many emotions ranging from sadness to outright anger. On the other hand he has texted me every 4-5 days with just little I love yours or I miss you messages. I don't reply only because I know it won't help. He knows how I feel and what I need; we shouldn't be together if he can't/won't meet those needs.Here's my question...we didn't make any plans for what would happen after a month had passed. It's not like we agreed to meet at place X at a time/place if we were going to continue. But then again I didn't think he would not be in contact to tell me what's going on. So what do I do? Do I call him and just ask? Do I give him a couple more weeks and then if there is still nothing just assume he just can't face disappointing me? After 3.5 years together I feel like just writing him off is not going to allow me to have closure. And then I think that maybe he is doing the hard work and he's getting there and I shouldn't push. I hate this limbo and my self esteem and self image have suffered due to putting myself 2nd. I get physically ill thinking about even trying to meet someone new...let alone why would anyone want to date this? I am professionally successful and I'm confident at what I do. I'm just a failure at dating and meeting the one who will be what I need and not pass me by because I'm overweight. I'm 38 and overweight and depressed. I made the choice to stick with my guy for all of this time. If he doesn't choose me then how can I motivate myself to get back in the game, accept me for me and find someone that will commit because I'm important enough to try for?
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a break, depressed, I love you, overweight, self esteem, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2012): I haven't read your other posts, but I completely understand your frustration being in a long term relationship hoping for more. I'm in the same situation & I wonder how many more years am I going to wait thinking the situation will change.
I want someone who wants what I want in the same life time as me.
You had the willpower to do it for a month, don't be so hard on yourself, if you feel you are overweight, do things to make you feel better. The right man is out there, you just haven't found him yet.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (30 September 2012):
 He's gotta be aware that this is the end of the break too. If he's not making a move, I think you know he likes the idea of being with you more than the commitment associated with it.
I doubt that your guy was traumatized/debilitated just by his former marriage. Sounds like he ran out of that too. He gets stifled easily; there's probably something deeper going on, maybe from his family or childhood that repels him from commitment.
In any case you've bore the brunt of his issues for long enough. stand up for yourself and find someone who's ready and willing to be there for the long haul because you deserve better. There are plenty of overweight people in this day and age, and you can either accept your size or do something to change it, but you can't use it as an excuse or crutch. Many men find curves more attractive-your man did. So you just have to do a little digging.
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