A
male
age
,
*harles the Lost
writes:Hello,I'm a 47 year old probably boring husband who is faithful and yet I think my wife is having an affair. I'm trying to get my hands around what's going on in her psyche so I can figure out what to do if anything. I've read some articles on cheating and some of the items really line up with my experiences. Principally they come from Michelle Langley's article on "Women's Infidelity." She breaks it down to 4 stages after marriage:Stage 1 Wife feels as though something is missing in their lives. Loses interest in sex.Women at Stage 2 experience reawakened desire stimulated by an encounter outside the marital relationship. This can be an accidental encounter.Women at Stage 3 are involved in affairs, ending affairs, or contemplating divorce.Stage 4 include women who chose to stay married and continue their affairs and those who chose to divorce. So that's the basic premise after marriage. Here's some of the things that really hit me as, "yes I've experienced that." I'd like you to comment on whether this happened to you so I can figure out what's real from just psycho-babble. My comments are in ( ). Here they are:Stage 1: They have all the things that they wanted—a home, a family, a great husband—but they feel they should be happier. Over time, many women in this stage begin to lose interest in sex. It is not uncommon for them to spend a great deal of energy trying to avoid physical contact with their husbands because they fear it might lead to a sexual encounter. They frequently complain of physical ailments to avoid having sex and often try to avoid going to bed at the same time as their husbands. They view sex as a job, not unlike doing the dishes or going to the grocery store. (I've really seen this, she thinks my wanting sex is for my pleasure at her expense! I try to tell her that her pleasure is my biggest turn on but she doesn't by it!)Stage 2: In order to justify their continued desire for other men, women will begin to attribute these desires to needs that are not being met in their marriage, or to their husband’s past behavior. Many women will become negative and sarcastic when speaking of their husbands and their marriages and it is not uncommon for an extramarital affair to follow. (Yep she's cold as a toad and mean as a badger, I'm the one at fault in everything).Stage 3 - it is also common for women at this stage to attempt to initiate a separation. In most cases, husbands of women at Stage 3, will launch futile attempts to make their wives happy by being more attentive, spending more time at home and helping out around the house. Regardless of women’s past and present complaints, the last thing women at Stage 3 want, is to spend more time with their husbands. (I have this T-Shirt too. If I suggest we go out dancing, or movie, or club she's not interested, but if it's with a certain guy then a four hour drive to see a group play isn't too much for her. When we dated she climbed mountains with me, went skinny dipping in the pool at night etc etc. Now nothing!)Husbands of Stage 3 women are often unaware that their wives are having affairs. Their lack of suspicion is typically due to their wife’s disinterest in sex and in their belief that their wife is a “good girl.” (this one hurts, I did think that- I do think that- I'm still not sure . . maybe I'm just an idiot)Stage 4: The women who chose divorce and were in the beginning stages of a new relationship typically expressed relief at having finally made a decision and reported feeling normal again. Many of the divorced women who had remarried and were several years into their new marriages seemed somewhat reluctant to talk about the specifics of their past experiences. However, they did mention feelings of guilt and regret for having hurt their children and ex-spouses only to find themselves experiencing similar feelings in the new relationship. (This is how I think things are going to play out despite what I do. I feel sorry for the next guy. I just hope I can shield the kids and her folks from the emotional stress.)What are you thoughts? Is this a good explanation? Can she really be excited to go out with me again? Am I dreaming? Am I doomed to have a zombie wife?
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affair, divorce, her ex, infidelity, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, MadonnaMarlton +, writes (11 November 2008):
The biggest turn off to a woman is the feeling from the man that he is 'entitled' to sex. Women enjoy being pursued. It is exciting and often.. the man shows how much he wants her. He goes out of his way, calls her, flirts with her, and woos her. Once married, men dispense with this. Sex, they believe, is their entitlement. That is the equivalent of throwing water on a fire. If you want her excited about you... pursue her like you did when you dated. Now, you have to be careful here so as not to 'beg' or to appear that you are doing this out of weakness. The pursuit offers the man the opportunity to show that he is sexually charged for her. If you want her, give her what she is seeking from her lovers.. which is the sexually charged pursuit.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2008): i think my wife is having sex with my cousin.they have been doing so for the past six months.i still don't have concerte proof but all indication like going shopping for nothing for five hours,mood swings,disorientation are there.could it be true?
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A
male
reader, Charles the Lost +, writes (3 November 2008):
Charles the Lost is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, as a matter of fact we are planning on watching that together when I visit the Thanksgiving. I'm not totally giving up, but then I'm scared about being optimistic. I'll just do my best and let the cards fall as they may.
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A
male
reader, Charles the Lost +, writes (3 November 2008):
Charles the Lost is verified as being by the original poster of the question"I was at stage 3 too"I just reread your response again. It was that good. I did pull back. However, she just plain didn't even call or anything. I'm scared there's too much pain, guilt, and blame for this to get better. I guess I'll see. If you read this please read the my other reply. I like your advice. I'm visiting for Thanksgiving, so I'll let you know if she noticed the cologne!
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A
male
reader, Charles the Lost +, writes (3 November 2008):
Charles the Lost is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBottom replyer: I got the book went straight to the Add Sizzle section and found I've already tried that. The problem was when I tried to make a date with her she didn't want to go out with me. She was too busy, too tired etc etc. Thanks for the ideas though.
2nd from the Bottom. Yep I've read a lot and that article struck home with me. Some of the stuff you read is just psycho-babble, but that made sense. My take on it anyway.
2nd from the top: My God. You should have taken a 2x4 to the man! I wish my wife would have sooner. I was bad but not that bad. I did try to go out with her but she didn't want too. I think she was to resentful whether justified or not. I'll accept partial justification, but she should have raised the red flag before clandestine romance.
Top replier: Wow! What great advice! I wish I would have gotten that 10 years ago. Lord knows I needed it. Sometimes I think I'm just a dumb lummox (sp?) It's probably too late, I hope not. I'm not sure I can handle the pain. We'll see. Please see my other post which unfortunately was title How to get a smooth divorce. I'd love to hear your input on that one. Also, Please spread that kind of advice to the goofy guys that are on the boards. We can use it!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): I was at stage 3 too....
You see...My husband is boring too and I have had an affair but only to regret it but then I found a reason to do it again...and again... and again... They weren't all sexual most were mental. I was mentally stressed and didn't feel comfortable talking to my husband. You see, we became best friends through our struggles. I was awakened by the fact that my husband was having an affair too and we were both hurt.
Your wife, believe it or not, is screaming for your help. If you ask her, if she's having an affair you'll only make things worst because she'll deny it; however, if you stop being so persistant with her and her ways and back off, she'll wonder why and begin to move toward you.
women are strange and yes I am a woman and the first to admit it. we like attention and lots of it and when we are used to getting it and suddenly we don't our minds begin to wonder.....and really wonder....at least that's what happened to me.
I was stage 3 just like your wife and I believe it was at that stage that I noticed that my husband was just as quick as I was to get out of the house. it was at the point that we were needing a sitter so that we both could go out but we werent going out with each other. It was strange. I began to wonder why he was suddenly going out and he doesnt even like going out. so I started following him, checking phone bills, the whole nine yards and shortly discovered the affair. It hurt sooooo bad because I thought I had home all under control. I didn't. I never thought that he would do such a thing. But I was no angel so who was I to judge.
I'm not telling you to go out and cheat on your wife because two wrongs definitely don't make a right and further more you don't know for sure if she's cheating. I'm saying that maybe you should tell your wife not to do anything that she wouldn't want you to do and take it from there. try using reverse psychology to kind of wake her up to the fact that you are aware of her actions.
I'm sure she loves you and is just looking for a little excitement so she has convinced herself that she doesn't want you anymore. If you don't wear cologne, then you try doing so....every day. Don't even bring it to her attention just do it. She may act like she doesn't notice but trust me she will. NOTHING turns a woman on more than a good smelling man.
buy a new outfit and pay more attention to what you look like when you before you leave out the door. groom yourself well. Get a haircut once a week instead of once every two weeks. shave often - keep it clean. manicure and pedicure. YES manicure and pedicure. women love a man with sandle feet and clean nails. My husband and I goes together every two weeks now. LOL! He friends use to tease him until they all took a male trip to the spa. Now his friends go too. LOL.. Women are most attrected to a well groomed guy. if you dress up a lot try dressing down a bit when you are in chill mode just to change it up. If you dress down a lot then add a nice casual shirt jacket to your wardrobe. that'll dress up anything and make you look very handsome. work on you and trust me....if it was meant to be she'll come around QUICKLY.....
GOOD LUCK
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2008): The stages sound appropriate but there is something missing what brings you to begin the stages. Life changes, some people change together some don't.Is my husband a good guy - for the most part. Is he a good father - ok but alittle too late. What is he -a hard worker who puts material things before people. Has he always been like this - yes. Why do I want to leave now - I want more. I have told him to hear I am the one who has changed he is the same which is somewhat true but when the kids are young the need and affection came from them so comes from nowhere now. He has never in 20+ years even planned a date had an interest in anything I want in life. I asked him out initially I asked him to marry me. I have raised our children, I have taken care of family members, I have worked his family business. When does it become time for something I want? So yes maybe I have changed. Now the resentment brought me to stage one. Sex I have never denied him he has had "issues" for a few years which is always my fault.Resentment also pushed me to stage 2 not for anyone in particular but in wanting more in life.Stage 3 for 20+ years I have always been accused of someone else there never has been. Does he go thru nicer stages yes but again alittle to late you forgive but never forget.Stage 4 I hope and pray for the strength to leave to find love happiness and a partner I am scared to hurt him so I continue to shut down for now to live feeling like this.My advise - talk to her no accusations hold the hurt as much as you can. Tell her you let her go if thats what she wants. You both deserve more.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2008): You can find a book to support anything you want to believe.
It's not unusal for a woman or man to put their spouse on the shelf why they go and have a bit of fun.
When they take up with their spouse again (if they do) they will encounter a refreshed period, but I doubt this will last for long. Sooner or later they will become bored again and crave excitment. This is the way they are built,
Unable to stimulate their self in everyday life.
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