A
female
age
36-40,
*everguesswho
writes:Alright.... this post is simular to another one I have.... but I need to know how to go about regaining trust.I am in a relationship with a wonderful man but lately we hit a bumb and I can't seem to get over it.Here is the backstory.... Not long ago I found out he was communication with his ex mostly via texts. It should be said now that my boyfriend is not someone who burns bridges... he always likes to be friends or on friendly terms with the ppl in his past. Cool... some ppl can do that.... With that said, I previously knew they would chat every once in a while (every few months or so... you know the hi how are you type of things) which was fine with me b/c they ended long before him and I .... about 2yrs. So I felt no treat by that.Anyway, we were going through a period of time when I was dealing with some pretty serious health problems and he was working more... it wasn't a bad phase it was just a weird phase.... which only lasted a few weeks.In that time I guess they had ran into eachother and started talking a bit more. He even confided in her about my health problems and how he didn't want to loose me ect.... Anyway... I was kept in the dark. Probably b/c he didn't want to hurt me. I do believe it was innocent but once day she texted him one day while I was around... As it turned out her bf beat her up and she needed the locks to her place changed... she knew that my boyfriend had connections so she reached out to him.He told me this and yes I was a bit peeved that she was reaching out to my bf for help (you see the reason they ended was that she cheated on him and the guy that beat her up was the same guy she cheated with)I understood altough I didn't like it.When I looked at the text though it was more like she was traveling down memory lane... talking about how she still uses the present he got her that one year... blah blah blah. I questioned him and I asked some more questions like have you two been talking more, ect... He said no... he said she called him the other day for the favor and since she has been 'sucking up' of sorts. He was adament about her being in his past and that he would never want to ruin what we had. He said he was just trying to be there for a friend during a hard time.Still, something wasn't right. Later that night I snooped in his phones history (yes I know thats a breach in trust) but I found a whole history of conversations btwn the two of them that was very unsettling.Not the worst stuff there could have been been but still.... it was like a combination of nastalgia mixed with flirtation. I confronted him and we had it out then we talked. He said that she reached out to him while him and I were going through a 'weird' time and that they had really only beenm talking more often for a week or so. He told me they actually ran into eachother about a month prior and that slowly started some of the conversations but it was more like 'old friends' than anything else. He said that he did, as a graduation/birthday present, get her a deal on having her car detailed (this was b4 she needed her locks changed) but other than that one time.... he never even saw her.He went onto say that he realized when she text him earlier while I was around.... how he had crossed the line.He said that he cou;dn't believe that he would have let his guard down like that. He said that he felt horrible b/c he would never dream of hurting me.I masked for an explaination and he said he didn't have one... that he felt horrible but he guessed that he was weak and when she was reaching out he gave in and reached out a bit too.He went onto say that when she text him that day while I was around, he could see how hurt I was... he said he made the decision then that reminicing with her, nomatter how innocent it started, was like playing with fire. He said that even if I didn't find those texts, their conversations were over once he saw the hurt expression on my face earlier in the day.He even called her that night and left a message for her to call me ... she did and everything that he had said seemed to check out. Still though... I wonder if it would have went farther had I not caught him.Since he has agreed not to contact her and to keep me in the 'know' should she contact him. About a week after the incident she did text him and he told me and showed me. They had a small conversation where he admitted, yes he should have been more honest with me and she seemed mad for her getting caught in the middle. It ended with him apologizing for the incident and she basically said, "dont ever worry about me again."I still however.... wonder.... do I have to worry about this happening again. Truth of the matter.... couples always have rough days or weeks but that shouldn't make them stray.I told him this and he said that it would never happen again. He said that he would do whatever to help reassure me.---Since that time he has been trying to be an open book... he has said many times that I can go through his phone... he has tried reassuring me that he wasn't really thinking when the onversations started up... he says he loves me like he has loved no one. As for me, I've been trying to move past everything but I haven't been able to as of yet. It's the dishonesty that I'm having a hard time with. I can understand and even rationalize why he didn't volunteer the information but that day when she text him while I was there he could have been more forthcoming with his answers. I said that to him and he seemed ashamed... he said he knew but that he was scared ... he said he hoped he could end it without me thinking the less of him. Is this a red flag... should I not trust him ever again. OR was this a genuine screw up? Is it possible that he almost made a huge mistake and him getting caught was more of a wake up call.It really has been smooth sailing till this point. So what do I do. What can or should I beleive.So many ppl say... leave him... but if this has been the only thing to come up in a yr. ... isn't that a bit harsh.... pplm can screw up.I just need some guidance here and perhaps some relationship tools to getting back on track or for figuring out what I should do.If we want to get back to normal, How much of the work rests with me and how much rests with him or with us.
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female
reader, neverguesswho +, writes (25 June 2008):
neverguesswho is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay... I really have turned over a new leaf... I have began healing and rebuilding trust.
THEN.... who texts my bf today.... his EX
It was really nothing... just needing to get a number of his friends & my BF says he isn't even going to deal with contacting her BUT I still wonder....
Is the cycle going to start again. I want to trust him... I don't want to question what he said.... I want to belive him BUT all these doubts come up whenever I think about her... Grrrr!!!
A
female
reader, neverguesswho +, writes (19 June 2008):
neverguesswho is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay.... here is an answer to some of your questions. BTW, thanks for the feedback
He did delete her number and she has since contacted him which he has told me about. I hope that was the last time too.
He is not a mean person so I don't expect him to 'tell her off' but he did agree not to reach out to her and to tell me when she reaches out to him. As far as cutting her out of his life... I think he would... he basically has in many ways except telling her off.
As for putting himself in my shoes....He has said that he feels horrible b/c he knows what its like to be hurt and he never dreamed of hurting me.
As for slowing down we are. This put a kink in the direction we were heading.... well it at least slowed it down. We agree we arent ready for engagement right now. I still love him just as much and he says he loves me even more for trying to work this out.... We are just taking it slower and I'm trying to enjoy the moments for what they are.
I'm worried though.... that I will never get back what we had before... how long will it take for this hurt to go away. I can't talk to him everyday about it b/c that would be like a life sentance for him... sometimes I feel so sad though... I still feel hurt and sometimes suspious. How long will it take for these feelings to fade?
One more thing...I will say that I do agree.... not to trust her. I really think she was reaching back to him. Furthermore... she seemed angry with him when she contacted him... to me that says she is a women who didnt get what she wanted. If she just was a friend and wanted nothing more... she would feel bad. At least that's how I look at it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): hiya
well, i really feel for you for starters.
does he love you enough to cut her out of his life?
delete number?
sit down and speak to him
and also tell him that you love him, and he should understand (that if he ever considerd it) cheating is very hurtful, especially when you love the other person so much.
Ask him how serious he is about you, and where you are heading, Ask him how he would feel if it was you lying to him, and what he would have wanted you to do as a result of you lying about your ex and convos.
ask him to vow to give you the honest truth and to tell you as soon as possible if he has bumped into her, in that way he is not lying to you.
but i do honestly feel that this guy has messed up, but not intentionally, because if he wanted something with that girl, he would have denied everything-but he told you the truth in the end. i reckon he was afraid of telling you, and the more he spoke to her the more he kinda got caught in the cycle of texts.
give him the chance-but watch out for her!!!!!
she seems like she has intentions!
love and god bless
friend x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2008): This is a confusing situation to be in. I would say to trust him, but don't just shut yourself in the dark. Be wary of the things he says and does that seem suspicious, but also be careful not to convince yoursef that you are finding "clues" all over, when you have a fear, ask him about it. Just be cautious, but not overly. Good luck, hope all works well.
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A
female
reader, neverguesswho +, writes (18 June 2008):
neverguesswho is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUncle Phil.... thanks, I appriciate your advice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2008): Why not just draw a line under the whole episode and start from scratch?
Pretend all this didn't happen and start courting each other again. make a fresh start. Sweep everything under the carpet and let bygones be bygones.
If that doesn't work and you're still insecure about his fidelity then get rid and start again with someone new.
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A
female
reader, neverguesswho +, writes (18 June 2008):
neverguesswho is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appriciate any feedback I get but if you are going to read... please read it all. Yes it is a bit lengthy but it is important to me. Without reading it all... you may not see the whole picture...
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A
male
reader, Peterk5699  +, writes (18 June 2008):
 I think it was just a screw-up. Things like this happen. We text our exes, get into deep conversation and it gets confusing.
He's admitted to screwing up and has given you access to his phone which I think is fair enough and you should be thankful for it that he trusts you etc (which I'm sure you are).
I wouldn't worry about it too much - he's come clean, things are sorted and you're happy together. If you keep asking about it there's a chance you'll be digging a bigger hole with each question which you'll get stuck in and you'll lose his trust.
I guess you should just leave it be and live as the day goes by and not dwell on the past.
Good luck!!
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