A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need advice on how to help my wife. We've been married a little over 3 years, have 1 daughter, and she is pregnant again with our 2nd. If our 2nd child is a boy we are going to stop, if it's a girl, we will have a 3rd trying for a boy. I made the mistake of saying I hope we don't end up with 3 girls, I don't want to have to deal with 'bad' boyfriends with only 1 thing on their mind 3 times over. My wife got really silent or strange, not sure how to describe it. Later that night she had a few glasses of wine, and my wife never drinks, just maybe 1 glass of wine or champagne at special events. Well, I didn't keep count, but I think she had 4 or 5 glasses. Needless to say she was a little looped.I've always thought my wife was a virgin, we met at 18, and she told me she was. Well that night, she started crying and told me the 'bad boyfriend' comment really set her off. She sobbed that she wished she never ever dated this guy, I'll just call him J. She told me that the last time they dated, he either gave her more to drink than she realized or drugged her. The next morning she woke up in his bed at his parents house. Her clothes were off and he was naked also. She had never told me this before, I knew she dated this guy I'm calling J, and there was a lot of fooling around, fondling, but I thought that was it. Now my wife is sobbing and even a few days later still very distant and upset because she thinks she gave her virginity to this loser. My feeling is that she still was a virgin and has never been with anyone but me, since she doesn't remember it, and didn't give it away willingly. I say that we just keep this to ourselves and never discuss it again, just push it out of her mind as if it never happened. But part of me is also still worried that she's still brooding over this issue. I don't know why after 5 years (our dating + marriage) that she remembered this and confessed to me, but I'm glad she did, but now, how do I help her get over this. I want to reassure her that she and I are the only ones, and it is still special for us. This is like a bad dream just to be forgotten. How do I help her realize, I don't hold this against her nor think differently of her or our marriage? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2011): I think the key is in the "bad boyfriend" reaction. My guess is that she was drinking with a guy that deep down she knew was not safe to be drinking alone with. I think she is angry at herself for putting herself into that position. Maybe she is angry at herself because she knew he was the wrong guy to be dating in the first place. And maybe she should be angry at herself. Nobody deserves to be drugged and raped but we all have to respect ourselves too. Respecting yourself means respecting your safety at times like that rather than just doing what is fun.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): I suspect shes's sad and distant for a couple reasons, not just because she gave her virginity to a loser. It could be her regretting her past...but I suspect a large part of it comes from your reaction to her problems. She already knows that bad boyfriend experiences aren't something you really want to deal with. It could be that that your saying "let's never discuss it again" makes it seem likes it something you don't want to deal with. While I agree talking these sorts of experiences out over and over probably won't help, treating it "like a bad dream just to be forgotten" probably makes her feel like this is something she'll just have to process and deal with solo...and something you're ashamed off. I think your attitude towards this event might explain some of the distance between you two, I don't think it's her simply flagellating herself for her past.
But if she is upset with herself....then I really hope one of her regrets is for binging while pregnant.
You sound like you care a lot for her and you want to convince her you love her. "How do I help her realize, I don't hold this against her nor think differently of her or our marriage?" Take her aside and tell her she is still special and what happened doesn't change things. You might also tell her if she wants to talk to you about it, you'll be there to listen. When people go through like things this, teenage girls or not, they just want an ear. You don't have to say much, just be present.
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A
female
reader, Claraw1  +, writes (14 October 2011):
 It is a hard situation. My first ever boyfriend raped me, and at first I didn't want to admit it to myself let alone to anyone. Sometimes it takes years before someone can admit it themselves, so don't take any offence that she didn't tell you sooner it was most likely that she couldn't admit it to herself.
You say in your post "I say that we just keep this to ourselves and never discuss it again, just push it out of her mind as if it never happened." I know when I first admitted that my first boyfriend raped me people said this to me, it was the WORST thing to say. It did happen, and it took an incredible amount of courage on her part to tell you this, it did happen and she obviously needed to let it out and talk about it so let her. She needs support from you, so if she brings it up let her talk about it and get it out. I know from experience just how much courage and strength it takes to admit this type of thing, and being pregnant with all the hormones and emotional changes, makes it harder. She can't push it out of her mind and forget it because it happened to her, once you ahve opened that can of worms you can't just close it. I have known many people who have been through similar things as your wife, and talking about it does help, maybe a counselor or even a support group of people who have been through similar things can help if she wants. It will never be forgotten, but with time and support and help it can become just a part of her past that no longer haunts her.
Just give her time, she just trusted you with the biggest darkest secret of her life, one I doubt that she shared with anyone else, so be there for her, if she wants to talk, talk, if she just wants to lay in your arms and cry let her. Please don't tell her to just push it out of her mind, because I will tell you from my own personal experience of someone saying that to me, it doesn't help, it makes you angry, hurt and a bit resentful. I can see you love her very much, and you know that she is an amazingly special lady, so let her deal with this horror from her past the way she needs to. One last thing I want to make clear is that I understand the just push it out of your mind comment is a caring comment, unfortunately what is heard from someone who just made a confession like that is " it was only you that they did it to and your not an important enough person for anyone to make a big deal out of it". You and I know that's not true, but in a lot of cases that is what they hear, even though it's not what was said. I hope that this helps in some way. If you would like to contact me please feel free, I will help if I can. Good luck
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 October 2011):
 Why is your wife drinking alcohol when she is pregnant? And why do you allow this? There can be NO drinking through-out the pregnancy, period! I hope the drinking will now end for the remaining parts of her pregnancy AND through the breastfeeding time. It is extremely dangerous to the fetus. The fact that she drinks through her pregnancy and that you allow it worries me more than your actual question, which is why I feel the need to raise this point straight away.
"Now my wife is sobbing and even a few days later still very distant and upset because she thinks she gave her virginity to this loser. "
If she was unconscious how could she possibly have given up anything voluntarily? Your wife was date raped at worst. No wonder she feels terrible about it, she should get therapy to overcome the feelings and emotions. Rape victims are often feeling very guilty and taking on a lot of blame, despite it not being their fault. Rape victims also suffer later in life from what happened to them, and they benefit greatly from professional therapy to help them overcome it. Or else she could enter depression or your marriage and children may end up as being unnecessary affected by it. What happened to her still affects her and what affects her will in return affect you, the marriage and the children.
"I say that we just keep this to ourselves and never discuss it again". She needs to talk about this. And she needs YOU to listen to her. It's not an easy deal, but it is what is needed. She needs someone to talk to about the rape/episode. Even if he didn't have sex with her he still took control of her body against her will, possibly drugged her, removed her clothes, brought her with him somewhere. It is frightening. She needs both someone professional, and she needs you as well. Just be there for her. Listen. Don't speak. Just listen. Be a shoulder to cry on. Be supportive. She needs you. Do not brush it away as if it is unimportant, that will only make matters worse.
"But part of me is also still worried that she's still brooding over this issue." Rape is life altering. It sticks with you for the rest of your life. You learn to cope and deal with it, but you never get over it. It's not a thing that accidentally happened. It's a traumatic experience that rips something out of the core of who you are as a being. She's gone for this long without therapy then yes, she's still heavily affected by it. She needs therapy. She needs to talk. You need to listen. Things like these aren't brushed aside and forgotten about. Things like these are to be talked to death, not silenced to death.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (14 October 2011):
 This isn't one of those things you can convince someone of with words. It'd be nice if you could just sit her down and explain, "This chart indicates that my love, affection, and attraction towards you are within expected variance of the trend line." But obviously that's just not feasible.
Instead, show it over time. She's made her big confession, so now she's going to be reading into every action you take and trying to interpret it. So, act normal - same amount of intimacy (or more if you feel like it, why not?), same conversations, same love, everything. Not "same" as in, "painstakingly act like everything is fine," but just as in acting normal. Give it a few weeks and she'll get the message - though, if she's pregnant and hormonal, getting the message won't necessarily mean she's free of insecurities. I'm sure you can handle it.
There's always the chance that she'll bring it up again and ask, if she's unsure. In that case, tell her the truth. No need for a big speech, just a few sentences will do. Then, let her vent if she wants to (nod and look concerned in the appropriate places). Sometimes women just need to repeat their feelings at you a few times before they feel better, without any input on your part. Probably a design flaw.
In any event, enjoy being a dad, however many daughters you get.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): Your wife went through a traumatic experience as a teen. She may have decided that if she didn't talk about it, then it didn't really happen, and suppressed the memory. Your comment somehow brought it all back to her. My take is that while she may be upset that she told you she was a virgin when she was not, that is not the main issuer here. She is upset because she is dealing with the post-rape trauma that she suppressed all those years ago. Having buried it all those years will make it worse now. While understandable, your desire to "never discuss it again, just push it out of her mind as if it never happened" will only make things even worse for her. What your wife needs is to come to terms with the fact that she was raped and to work through the emotional fallout. Encourage her to call the nearest Rape Crisis Center and find a therapist with experience treating rape survivors--and the sooner, the better. You should talk to her therapist as well, to find the best way to support your wife emotionally during this difficult time. Please don't tell her that you don't hold this against her; that would sound patronizing even if she had willingly had sex with a previous boyfriend, and sounds awful given that she was raped. Do tell her that you love her and will be there for her. You can't heal her wound--only time and therapy will do that--but you can do things to show her that you care. Give her a foot rub, do the dishes and take out the trash without being asked, take on the 2 a.m. feedings once the baby arrives--whatever would be meaningful to her. And most of all, be willing to hold her when she cries. It sounds as if you two love each other very much. You will both get through this.
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