A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello Everyone. I understand the moment anyone who mentions sexual abuse o/r abuse of any kind screams a red flag, but do men usually avoid women how have experienced abuse? Would you place a stigma on her as being emotionally unstable and avoid getting close to her? If you did get intimate with her would you psych yourself out and feel guilt? Or would you just date her like any other person?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 October 2011):
 I think he probably disconnected from you for other reasons than the sex/story of abuse. It sounds odd that you'd have a perfectly great relationship, then finally move on to sex, and then it ends. Maybe he was the one who wasn't ready to move on sexually? Or maybe there were other things in the relationship that caused him to distance himself?
I don't think it was because of what you told him. You sound like a healthy individual who has gotten stronger from the experience, rather than weakened, and you had a good relationship for 9 months. Being able to do that shows a lot to me, whether it was a sexual relationship or not.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your comments and opinions. This does help tremendously. Yes, a part of the question was for myself. I do not self medicate, have not had therapy, but took years to myself to heal independently. Once I started dating again I met a guy who was very much a gentleman.I had no proper relationship to look up to growing up, only a past relationship that was toxic. So I learned a lot from him such as how to express love with a simple hug or holding hands. We dated for nine months before I told him about my past relationship during the appropriate time(not during intimacy). Days later and under the influence of alcohol we did go all the way. I was perfectly fine with this, but he immediately started to pulled away. Either the sex was horrible(I doubt it) or maybe what I told him caused him to regret this. Maybe he is scared how I will process this? Yes alcohol was involved but I feel secure enough to know that this was completely different. We had a lot of fun that night. So in truth, the only thing I can't process is how he has completely disconnected from me. So this is my hypothetical conclusion.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 October 2011):
 I agree with *Uncle Odds*It really depends on the guy and the girl.I don't think it screams red flag at all. We are not just a sum of our experiences, but we are who we are, party because of how we deal/dealt with things in our lives.I think there is more stigma with people who have been diagnosed with mental issues, then those who have been through trauma.I do think however, it's mostly about how YOU deal with it. Are you in therapy? Getting help? Just because you were victimized doesn't mean you have to be a victim for the rest of your life, you can be a surviver instead. This shouldn't "rule" your life.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (14 October 2011):
The mention of sexual abuse does not scream a red flag. Any red flags would be how this abuse has been dealt with. Say if the person started self medicating with drugs, then it'd be a red flag. Say they never got help for it, that'd be a red flag. Say they tried to commit suicide over it, that'd be a red flag. The abuse itself is not a red flag, how could that say anything about the person? Having been abused says nothing about how the person is, but how this person deals with the abuse is another story. And while depression etc. can be understandable, it is still risky getting into a relationship with someone who is depressed. It's just very draining on the relationship. But then again, that totally depends, are they getting treatment for the depression? Or are they on medication? A mature person will be able to filter what is important, what is red flags, and what isn't, and what can be worked on to help the person through, and what is a lost cause. I am not a man, but I trust men to be mature creatures as well. And like I said, a mature person will be able to differentiate between the abuse and the person. But an immature person might create a big fuzz over it, go bananas over it, not handle it, freak out over it, you name it. So pick the ones you tell with care, not everyone can handle the responsibility of knowing. In general though this is like any other traumatic experience. The mother of an ex of mine was shot in the head by his step-father, she cried out his name in the middle of the night and he ran downstairs to find her in a puddle of blood and with the step-dad with a rifle. They went through court, they had to move to foster care. Trauma! Yet, he dealt with it far better than I would have guessed, it was many years ago, and he was through his mourning period. He felt ready for a relationship, and he was, in that respect, ready as well. He was mentally ok, didn't have any problems as such. I didn't take what had happened to him to be a red flag. Instead I saw him standing tall despite what had happened, and see that it made him a stronger person, with more depth to him.
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A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (14 October 2011):
It depends on what her attitudes to the past, herself and the future are now.
I dated someone in college who suffered some nasty things in her past and those things made her a terrible person, she was useless at relationships and was by all definitions severely "damaged".
However my current partner recently told me (years in to the relationship) about some abuse she went through in childhood, but unlike the girl at college it had made her more determined to live a life in which she wanted to do her best, where family values and working at relationships was core to her belief system.
What I am trying to say is, it's about who the person is today, not about what happened in the past. A girl saying she was abused, raped, whatever, isn't a red flag, but any negative behaviour accompanied with it, is.
I think you may not quite realise that many people suffer abuse, whether sexual, physical or verbal. The numbers are high, it's not like this kind of thing is rare. You are not 1 in millions, so you should hold your head high and never see what happened in your past as something a guy could judge you on. It is only who you are and what you do today that is important.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (14 October 2011):
 The first answer was awesome, and I'm not sure how much I have to add. But a friend married a girl who seemed to have issues. It wasn't until, frankly, too late in the relationship that he learned she'd been abused. That explained a lot of things, but the fact of the matter was that she didn't care to deal with the abuse, but rather use it as an excuse to avoid intimacy. As much as he'd have been willing to work with her on it, she wasn't, and the marriage ended badly.
There are guys who want to be white knights, who want to help heal. And guys who don't set out to be white knights, but by their nature adopt the role if they're really in love.
Your question -- will guys run away? Look, there are seriously good guys out there, but some of them have been burned because the girl doesn't want to deal with the issues. The fact that you're asking the question says that you're prepared to deal with it. So, yes, there are guys who will very much want to help. Probably any good guy would be up for it, if the relationship was decent to begin with. But the bottom line is that you have to find that good guy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): I agree that men usually will not blame you for what happened but some men might avoid you for fear of complications.
Sexual abuse can mean a lot of different things. A 9yo child getting raped by an adult family member is one thing. That is about as clear-cut as it can get.
But a 16yo girl who starts consensually sleeping with older men for affection . . . that is something else. I still blame the older man for participating but I don't think the girl was really much of a victim then. Not unless she had been sexually abused at a younger age already.
In the bigger picture I think it is more important how you have dealt with the abuse afterward. Many women cope with early abuse by being sexually promiscuous later. Promiscuity turns me off much more than abuse does.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (14 October 2011):
 I can't tell from your question if this is purely hypothetical, if if you're asking for yourself, so I'll just assume the latter for now because it makes the pronouns easier. Apologies in advance if that's wrong.
I think this is going to vary widely from man to man. Some guys have a stronger white knight complex, some guys are extremely mercenary and pragmatic, and most fall somewhere in between. I wish I could tell you all guys act the same, but you'll pretty much have to learn on a case-by-case basis. A "stigma" would imply that a guy thinks she's a bad person for being abused, but that's not really the case. It's more like, "her past would likely make this relationship take far more effort for less payoff."
However, that's just the initial reaction. It's a red flag that may set off changes in how a guy acts toward you, but you can influence those changes with your own behavior, and if you handle it right, things can settle down.
First, honestly ask yourself if you think your experiences have affected your ability to form intimate relationships, and if so, how. You need to know what you're working with. Be sure you're ready for a relationship before you try.
Second, bring it up with the guy at the right time. Preferably, this is not during a time where he would reasonably expect to be getting physically intimate within the next fifteen minutes - so, don't interrupt him halfway through a makeout session, or when he's unhooking your bra. The latter happened to me; girl told me she had been abused and wanted to slow down. The fact that I respected her wishes and was supportive does not negate the fact that her timing was awful.
Third, go forward with the relationship. If you've done step one, you're ready, so it's just a matter of letting the guy know you're ready. If he hasn't already run off,e's going to want to do right by you, and he's not necessarily going to know how to do that. If he's going to respect your boundaries, he's going to need your guidance in knowing what those are - don't expect him to be a mind-reader.
The guy's experience will matter, too. As I mentioned, I did date a girl who had been abused for a while (the one with the bad timing). I'm not going to give out a lot of details, but in her case, dating her "like any other person" proved impractical. 90% of the time, she was a great girl to be around, but the other 10% she expected me to be a mind reader about her frequently-changing boundaries. Before dating her, I would have thought that dating her like any other girl was the way to go, because no one wants to be treated like they were somehow different and damaged. After dating her, I think it's just not worth the effort of the kid gloves, and wouldn't try again. So, again, it's going to vary from man to man.
Sorry there's no more definitive answer, but hopefully that'll help.
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