A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Sometimes I really dislike, maybe to the point of hate, my husband. Most of the time he's a great guy. But he has some childish traits that can go beyond irritating. He likes to push buttons and tease to the point where I get genuinely angry, then gets upset with me for getting angry! He says things like, "you're taking it too seriously" and "I'm just playing, you know that."One thing he says that I can agree with is, "You know how I am, you didn't care as much before." That's true. I knew he had these childish tendencies before and most of the time could laugh them off. But my response when he says that is, "Yes, but it's been EIGHT YEARS. You have done this so much it's not fun or a joke anymore."It's not like I blow up at him as soon as he starts, but when it goes ON and ON then yes, I'm human and I get angry!I don't know if I need to figure out how to make it stop or learn how to deal with it better. Has anyone else had a problem similar to this? HELP! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Stelladra  +, writes (6 February 2014):
Ok I'm going to be a bit different here, to me teasing can be playful and fun or it can be a subtle form of verbal abuse so what you do greatly depends on which this is. If he is saying things like you burn your food or you know you love my gorgeous face or generally harmless things then I think you've been given lots of great advice as to what to do on this thread of answers. But...if the teasing is things like your bum is big or your forgetful or disorganized or dumb or anything more cutting like that and then after he says when you are hurt, oh you know I was just teasing, you know I didn't mean it, it was a joke, you take things too seriously or you are too sensitive then this is a subtle form of abuse. And you could be hurt for a reason and tired of this game. I hope this isn't the case because it can be very hurtful. If not I agree with lots of these posters, he can be retrained. Even some an users can be retrained but they need to know you see through their game.
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male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (1 February 2014):
 About the "same old, same old joke" (or trick), you can do something useful: watching the good comedy CLIC! (cf: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Click_%282006_film%29 ).In this movie, a man own a remote controller that makes him able to travel in his own life, from the past to his future. And his father always do the same trick all over again (a magic trick with a coin if I remember well)...Watching at that show may help you both of you, I think.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2014): OP here. Thank you for the advice. It will be put to use! I also appreciate the genuine comments and advice and the lack of snide and rude remarks.
Thanks again,
OP :)
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male
reader, DragonMan  +, writes (31 January 2014):
 Greetings,
First thing to remember is defining your partner by their traits is tantamount to arguments.
Well can agree that GENERALLY there is a difference in maturity between the genders but also a degree in what level of maturity is acceptable, sometimes being 'too mature' is also considered bad as well as 'too immature'.
Secondly have you spoken to him about this? Not blown up at him? Sometimes calmly explaining why you don't like something and why you won't play his games anymore will save a lot of trouble.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 January 2014):
 Easy.
When he starts down the path,
"Likelihood of you getting some tonight are now at 75%. Continue and this will drop."
He continues; "Now at 50%."
More "teasing"/abuse from him?
"Oh, biiiiiggg drop. Now down to 10%, next is ZERO. Your choice!"
Be firm, consistent and don't engage him beyond those comments, no matter what he says.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2014): The trouble with grown men with a playful nature, is that if they don't get a rise out of you, they will find a temporary victim or audience somewhere else. That keeps them animated and warmed-up until they can corner you later.
They'll get all the positive reinforcement they need, because people generally like them. Their boyish-nature is a part of their charm, and is usually their primary psychological makeup.
Chances are, you're his favorite audience; and your feedback gives him his greatest reward. He may have had a mother who wasn't as attentive, and he tried hard to make her realize he existed. The more you seem annoyed the worse he gets.
Joking around and being playful started out as a way to get attention. Then as he became an adolescent, it also becomes a defense-mechanism. If you can't beat them, make them laugh. If you're not smart or attractive, they'll like you for being funny and having a easy-going good nature. They just want to be liked.
People always claim they want someone with a sense of humor. You have to remember that comes in degrees and different brands of humor. Teasers, jokers, and pranksters.
They can be irritating. When they're particularly animated and you're their captive audience. That's an indication that they're bored, and you're not showing them much affection or attention. They only know one way to ask for it. Clown around.
They don't know how to just come right out and ask for a hug, a kiss, or just a little time to sit and chat. They start clowning and drive you crazy. You get totally irritated. Their reward: they got your attention!
You're pissed off! Even more positive reward, they love pushing your buttons.
How do you shut it off? I learned a long time ago. I was in the military around men of all types, in large numbers, all day long. I had to develop many interpersonal skills; because I had to deal with all sorts of personalities, and give them orders at the same time. I also had to keep up their morale, maintain respect, and still live with them at the end of the day.
The jokes and barbs often came like torpedoes, and at inappropriate times. Usually testing my patience and undermining my authority. I learned that just ignoring them; or admonishing their behavior only made them worse.
They were usually the first I assigned special duties to keep them busy; and to give them something more constructive to do with their time. Then when all duties were accomplished, I came back and we exchanged barbs and jokes and all was well. Less play during times to be serious. Or when I just wasn't in the mood for it.
You have to establish time for relaxation, play, and just peace and quiet. You can't walk around all mean and bitchy.
Someday you'll miss him and his playfulness. So you also have to learn to modify your own behavior. You have to realize that sometimes your husband is just another one of the kids. Be patient.
Let me make this perfectly clear. The point is not to "control" their behavior. The playful childishness is a positive aspect of their character. They're naturally cheerful. The negative aspect of it is the hyperactivity that makes them a nuisance. You just want to redirect their attention and give them something to keep them preoccupied.
Redirect or avert their attention, momentarily. They're searching for distraction. Working off nervous energy.
When he makes a joke, pretend you were too engaged in a thought. "Oh hon, what was that?" Repeating a joke is less funny. "Can you please do me a favor? I'd appreciate if you could run and get some milk, and pick up the dry cleaning."
"Could you make me a drink? I feel a little tense." Be calm, keep a normal tone, don't snap. He's trying to get a rise out of you.
If he's got too much time on his hands, put it to good use. You want him off your back. Get out the honey-do list.
Bring up a particularly serious subject like bills and finances. He'll clear the room.
After things are done, he will have less energy to be silly or he'll make himself scarce to avoid being offered more household chores.
During rest time and just sitting around, he starts up with that annoying nudging, ask that he give you a few moments to just relax and chill. Sorry to be such a bore and stick in the mud, but I had a really rough day, sweetie. I know you're trying to cheer me up, but I could use some quiet time.
Go over give him a hug and a kiss. Ask him to rub your feet.
Just mention you're relaxing and need a break, no funny stuff. He'll comply. He'll again be distracted, he'll have the benefit of touching and being close to you, and you get the benefit of a foot-rub.
Personalities differ, results will vary. You know your hubby's personality, and his brand of humor. Relentless teasers are people who are begging for attention. If you're becoming distant and avoiding him; because he gets on your nerves, he'll become desperate and do everything to pull you back. He'll follow you around like a hungry puppy.
So give him more hugs and rub his back. Be more tactile. When he gets more than you can handle, say so. Nicely ask him to tone it down, it's too much. He is an adult,and you do have a right to require that he act his age when you're not in the mood for his childish behavior.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 January 2014):
 I agree that you can't change him, especially if you knew what he was like before you started dating him. However, I have a couple of lifesaving techniques that could preserve your sanity and maybe serve to help change things for the better.
There's a technique with toddlers that involves distracting their attention away from a tantrum or another fixation. This actually works with grown-ups as well. If he starts teasing you, instead of saying or acknowledging it, change the subject abruptly. As in "Hey honey, did you hear that the State of the Union is tonight?" or "What do you think about having dinner with **insert name** on Friday night?" or "Hey! I just saved us 15% on car insurance!"...well, not that part..heh.
The point is to break the pattern. You getting mad or irritated is part of the pattern. Stopping the teasing by changing the subject works. It also helps to know the source behind the teasing. If he's doing it to be playful or get your attention, give him that attention in other ways. I guarantee you that if you sat back and watched him interact with his family, you'll see that his behavior results from his old family dynamic.
If you do the distraction technique, he won't be able to go ON and ON, and you won't blow your stack on him. When he starts, change the subject. Politics, religion, family, bills, current pop culture, music, absolutely anything. Or if that doesn't work, grab his package and tell him that talking is overrated anyways. heh. Trust me - works *every* time.
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reader, BrownWolf +, writes (30 January 2014):
You cannot change people, but you can teach them… First, your husband is not you, does not think like you, and is not affect by the things you are affected by. You are two different people trying to live as one.
When you react to someone’s foolishness, it becomes a game. Stop reacting and just ignore him. When he sees his efforts are useless, he will stop. Anger never helped anyone do anything right. “A gentle answer quiets anger, but a harsh one stirs it up.” If you are the mature one, then act mature when he is a child. When you get angry at his foolishness, you lower yourself to his standard, and become an angry child, not a wise woman. You know how to be mature, stay mature even when he is being the way he is. He will learn from you, and begin to act more mature. You cannot change him, but you can teach him by leading by example.
Get rid of your hate. It has never done anything good for anyone. Hate will destroy you from the inside, and make you cold and unwilling to love even if things get better.
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (30 January 2014):
You married him fully knowing his personality and accepted it, and now you want him to change.
Sorry, but at this point, you are the one who needs to do some changing.....
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 January 2014):
 my husband is 12 emotionally and sometimes in his behavior. I knew this when I married him.
You have two choices here... ignore it and learn to accept it or leave.
you really cannot CHANGE him or what he does.
BUT what you can do is give him negative feed back when he is like that.
what I mean by NEGATIVE feedback is when he does something that you dislike, you "punish him" by saying "i'm not tolerating this now" and you get up and LEAVE.... if EVERY time you "reward" his bad behavior with a negative response (he loses your company and attention) he may learn to stop it... it will take time and you must be VERY consistent... (that means EVERY time he does it no matter WHERE you are you must leave him) but it will serve two purposes
1. it will negatively reward him for behavior you dislike and he may learn not to do it
and
2. it will remove you from an uncomfortable situation so you do not have to put up with it.
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