A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been talking to a girl from America for about 6 months. Around 4 months ago, we started to flirt with one another. Since, she has made plans for us to meet eachother before christmas. The only problem is, I have a girlfriend now! How can I possibly break the news to her? She and I both hoped that we would be intimate together, but now I'm in a relationship with somebody I like, and is close by. I don't want to put myself in a position where anything might happen between me and the girl from America.Time is running out. What can I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): You lot trying to say I've got no breeding, well your right, I haven't.. I'm one of them bad taste women that like to swear..
Thanks for the response dear poster, I have now heard about the apologises that this young American girl deserves. Will you now take it to the next level, and explain to the current woman you are dating, just what you have done, and the fact that you have recently come out of a long distance relationship, just to be with her, because your feelings are strong...
"You don't believe me after I tried to tidy up what I said"
PS: Tiding up your words is called "backtracking", makes us feel you are making excuses to cover up your bad behaviour, by putting on some gloss and some spin. Politicians do this, this is why we don't feel you have been truthfully. Your original posts and your recent answers are contradictory, and doesn't give us much confidence in you at all... We can only read what you write babes, I asked about the apologises because you neglected to tell us that you had done this already. How can we get a full picture of your situation if you leave things out and "tidy" up things to suit yourself and try to make yourself feel good.... You are young, and you obviously have a lot to learn.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): Hi Bugs. I agree...swearing or using of bad language is bad taste on a site like this; but then it is all in the "breeding". LOL
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou assume I'm lying about what I said? ...What was the point of me even asking for help?? You don't believe me after I tried to tidy up what I said. I know you're trying to help, but none of you know the situation better than those of us who are in it.
She is fine, I am fine, and the girl I'm seeing is fine. Unless she says otherwise, what right do any of you have to assume otherwise? About ANYTHING at all, for that matter! For example, when I told the American girl about the situation I was VERY apologetic! So don't assume I haven't said so much as a sorry to her, because I did! Many times! And I was very sincere as well!
so, PLEASE STOP POSTING ANSWERS!!!!!!!!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): Sorry babes, but that's not how this advice thing works... As I always say, the advice may not be what you want to hear, but the advice is bloody free....
You keep trying to minimize the damage you have caused. Not one apology, not one sorry, not one thought of consideration for this American girl. Your OK, your happy, so stuff everybody else. I have a name for this type of behaviour, I call it "road kill", hit and run, your alright, stuff the damage and the tears that you leave behind.
You are very young, that is why we are taking time to highlight your bad behaviour. You don't seem to get it, you don't understand exactly what you have done. Look at the amount of responses you have gotten. It's not one person attacking you and questioning you. You have had many different people trying to get you to look at your behaviour. Don't you understand what we are all trying to say. I know you don't want to hear this, you just want to get on with your life, without feeling guilt and looking at the consequences of your actions. But that is childish, you need to change your ways.
"Around 4 months ago, we started to flirt with one another" Mr anonymous, original post
"She and I both hoped that we would be intimate together" Mr anonymous, original post
Don't lie to us, we can read, we are not stupid and neither is she. Promises of further intimacy were made, this is not just some "friend" you were talking too. Keep lying to yourself and pretending everything is alright. It's that type of behaviour that got you into this sticky situation in the first place. We are not your friends, we are not here to boost your ego and make you feel good. You have behaved badly, and if you were more mature, you would realise that and stop trying to shut us up....
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): Am really glad for the girl from America as you have obviously selected the other girl.Can we all cheer for ONE girl saved???Hip Hip.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhile I appreciate your answer Diovan,I have to pick up on something. Me and the girl from America aren't, nor were we ever in a relationship. We became friends over the internet, she was planning on coming to England, and while she was over we were going to meet up, spend some time together and go our separate ways. We agreed this since the very beginning. In telling her that I'm seeing somebody, I have not broken anybodies heart. She appears to have simply accepted it.
OKAY! No more posts. STOP. I'm sick to death of everybody reading too much into my post, which I obviously wasn't clear enough.
Thanks to everyone who actually answered the question. The rest of you, in future, if people ask for advice, just answer their question and leave it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): I am new to this posting but I have been following the site for a number of months
However you let yourself down by being rude and discourteous, for courtesy costs nothing even if you vehemently disagree with what you read to swear and blaspheme simply alienates other people who may want to help
From what I read from the thread the advice that has been given to you is to highlight that you have treated the girl from the US badly. Indeed your later post states the girl was cool yet you give the impression of wanting to keep your options open, it shows you .
As I said, she was coming to England anyway, it's just now we have to put our plans to rest, because if the time comes around and I'm still dating the girl from my course, then I will remain 100% loyal to her.
Mamma mia is currently ranked 1 by all readers on this site and at one point Spirit of Iona was ranked above all with a rating of 8.94 (but for some unknown reason gave up pole position and seemingly started again). So I suspect he isn't interested in ratings just helping people and trying to stop people hurting themselves and others, that is why most Agony Aunts and Uncles are on here.
The problem is they aren't going to tell you what you want to hear and they want to make you think about what your actions are doing. I don't know the girl in the US may be she is OK with it but she will have been coming with the express intention of seeing you
No clever interpretation just read your own words
"She has made plans for us to meet each other before christmas. The only problem is, I have a girlfriend now! How can I possibly break the news to her? She and I both hoped that we would be intimate together...
and in your further post you wrote
As I said, she was coming to England anyway, it's just now we have to put our plans to rest, because if the time comes around and I'm still dating the girl from my course, then I will remain 100% loyal to her.
As you see you didn't say she was coming to England anyway what you said was she was coming here to see you with the inference of intimacy. However the post suggests if your not with the English girl then the American may still be an option.
Finally if she was coming here anyway it would have been easy to tell her either that you don't think it would be a good idea or ...and may God forbid...tell her you have been called away and unfortunately can't see her, Otherwise you meet as friends and she goes about her business in England in England want to see her
However and this is only my view if it was as simple as that there would have been no need for you to hit the panic button and ask for advice and subsequently no need for the anger and bitterness, generated through this thread.
Post as much info as possible because the advisers need as much info as possible
Lastly if you have doubts about your current girlfriend lasting more than a couple of weeks then it isn't love
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): Sorry babes, but it's not as hunky dory as you try to make out. The girl from America is probably NOT "cool" with the situation, but she has her pride and she has to pretend as if she is not bothered. Seeing you was probably one of the highlights of her trip. That has now been ruined, and instead of being happy in Britain, she will remember it as a sad time, when she had a broken heart. Not very well done of you babes, I don't think the tourist board will be happy if she refuses to come back..
Anyway, what is done is done. I notice that you said the relationship with this American girl had been "cooling" anyway. You noticed this, why didn't you tackle the issue, why just ignore it and start dating somebody else. Let this be a lesson to you in future. If there is things going wrong in your relationship, then don't ignore it, either fix things or finish them properly, and then you won't have to lie, or upset other people. Please learn to treat women and girls with more consideration and respect.
What the anonymous reader is very important and you should take her questions on board. Yes, after one date, it is strange for you to start talking about a "girlfriend". That is too premature, the "girlfriend" was the lady you had been talking intimately too for 6 months. Online romances are real to the other person involved, especially if they save money and make plans to see you, they are real people, with real feelings and emotions...
Some of your answers do raise red flags for me. What happens if the girl you have just started dating don't get on, will you run back to the other girl and try and start a relationship again. Please don't do this. You have made your decision, the relationship is over, I suggest you leave her alone to heal properly..
Anyway, everything has been said. It's too late for the American girl to cancel, so she will go on with her trip, and probably be a little sad. Hopefully the other British guys she meets will help to put a smile on her face, and maybe when she gets home, she can finally give her heart to an American man, and stop wasting her time with you.
So sad, so very avoidable, you haven't acted very well, but what is done is done....
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAll I wanted to know was how I should break the news to the american girl. That's all. I took the advice given to me by the more experienced advisors (Birdy, Danielepew, etc). I don't know why this has gone on for has long as it has now. I've told her I'm dating and she's okay with it. That's all that matters.
You don't understand me, and you cannot judge me on this one situation. You don't know me as a person. I'm not asking any of you for sympathy, I'm not asking you to boost my ego, I'm asking you for advice. Is that not what this website is for? Instead of simply giving me advice like I asked, you have decided to dig and dig, and make absurd suggestions like "Seek counseling". There's nothing wrong with me. I just got a little lost in this situation, and nothing more.
What ever questions you want to ask me, ASK THEM NOW. Don't give me all this rubbish that I'm a coward. And one last point, after tonight, I don't want any more answers. My question has been answered and I have acted upon it. Any further suggestions don't matter now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): You are in desperate need of counseling. You are so arrogant that you can not even realize when people are reaching out to try and hep you.
What do you want from us?
Yes, you are immature and yes you don't answer the questions asked by ANON; that makes you a coward in myy book.
Hope you can sleep well with what you are doing to innocent girls.
You are looking for sympathy at the wrong place. We are not here to boost ego's; but to help those who have been hurt by arrogant selfish people like you.
If you change your mind and decide to be open and honest, I will reconsider giving you advice.
As a matter of interest, keep in mind the words of Vincent Lombardi: " It's not wheter you get knocked down. It's wheter you get up again".
I challenge you... to do the same.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): isn't Bugger considered a very bad word in your place??.I had a very bad habit of swearing myself.Lots of aunts and Uncles helped me with it.So just thought would add the link for you.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-i-stop-saying-profanities-all-the.html
Regards,
Bugs
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): You are asking us for help, to do what? What help or assistance to you want from us?
You are arrogant to some of our people trying to help you.
I dont't understand, please help me to be able to help you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm no coward. I'm trying to do the right thing. Now, if you're not going to help me do that, then you can bugger off, quite frankly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): You are a coward. You can call me names and swear as much as you like. You know as well as I do that you are playing with people and there feelings to suit yourself.
You are even to scared to answer my questions. You want poeple to have empathy with you, under these circumstances? Read the posts on this site, and you will realize we are here to help those who are in pain and in need of help.
I have not judge you; I merely put the facts on the table. Too bad if you have at times such bad vocabulary(when it suits you). Again, a great concern,about your mental frame of mind. Maybe counseling is advisable to you at this stage.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've told her that I've started dating somebody, and to my surprise, she has been very cool with it. As I said, she was coming to England anyway, it's just now we have to put our plans to rest, because if the time comes around and I'm still dating the girl from my course, then I will remain 100% loyal to her.
As for anon's questions, please ask which questions you want me to answer and I'll oblige. Questions such as "Are you for real?" were featured in anon's post, so I'd much rather answer questions asked by other people. Perhaps her post did hit a nerve, but that's purely because she was patronizing, and made assumptions about my situation that painted a very nasty picture of me. It's frustrating for me to read.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): I have read your posting and your updates. I read the replies from all the other uncles and aunts, also from Anonymous.
I think, you are unfair to Anon; everybody here is trying to help to get a perspective on the situation and was I am sure feeling sorry for the girl coming from Amereica.
With your update now, saying that she was coming anyway, surely Anon would have a different view too. It is important that you give us as much info as possible in the beginning. We can only base our opinions and advice on that. As Anon tried to do, by suggesting you contact her and offer to pay her losses.
Now, you don't have to get all upset, (unless Anon hit a nerve). What I would like to know from you, have you decided what you are going to do about the girl from America?
Have you contacted her? If not when are you going to to that. She will be upset. My heart goes out to her. Please refer her to this site. I am sure she will get support from the uncles and aunts and she might need that are you break the "bad" news to her.
Hope you are sure what youare doing. Oh, matter of interest,Anon asked you certain questions, which you conveniently ignored. Would you care answering them, it will help everybody to get a better overall picture.
Nathaniel Hawthorne said:
"Every individual has a place to fill in this world and it is important in some respect whether he chooses to be or not to be".
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust a note to say, Anonymous, you really don't know how to give advice. You REALLY don't.
Jesus Christ! Somebody comes to you for advice since things have gotten a little confusing, and what do you do? Criticize them! Lots! I thought you maybe would have realized that maybe I didn't choose my words well? "Dating" "Relationship", it really doesn't matter to me in the slightest what you call it! Either way, my point remains the same; I'm dating somebody, and there was a girl coming from America on a TRIP (yes, a TRIP to England which she was taking anyway, thank-you very much anon) (maybe that wouldn't have mattered a damn if you had just stuck to the point!), who hoped we'd meet up while she was over.
The point remained the same, I just worded it badly. Now, kindly stop offering your so-called "advice", because I'm not interested in any more of your patronizing, nor anything else you have to say.
Many thanks to all the other advisors who have helped me so far. I'm glad that you were all able to stick to the subject.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008):
Prince Charming,
Count your lucky stars that I am not one of those girls two girls, more so, not the one from America. If I had to tell you what I would do to you, you will have sleepless nights.
However, I am concerned about your emotional stability and frame of mind;
You seem very confused; you have only recently met this new girl. You had ONE DATE with her (Friday night was your 1st date) and already after one date you are referring to “but I am now in a RELATIONSHIP with somebody”; “I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND NOW”. What are you talking about? Hallo, after one date????????? She asked you, then you went on one date…and you are in a “relationship” but you don’t know how to break the news to the “girl” in America; is this correct? How old are you? Is the age posting correct?
My goodness, are you for real? Did prince charming discover his love? One date! He has a girlfriend and he is in a relationship, vow, on one date; guys you need to contact this guy for tips and advice. But be careful, he contradicts himself “HE LIKES” her and she lives close by; a RELATIONSHIP with somebody he “LIKES”?
It gets more complicated and the plot thickens; as Prince charming, has a “girl” in America for a couple of months, a “girl” (please note not girlfriend); For about 6 months, he was chatting to this “girl” and even hoped to get intimate with her, but now he wants to dump her for his (please note)” girlfriend “; On impulse, last minute after one date with the new girl. Are you sure there is not more to it? Is there something we should know that you are not telling us? You mention in your update” but I realize NOW that I have to act fast”; SURE because until Friday her visit suited you; to waste her time and money on a visit to you. You had no problem with that, did you? Obviously you did not care for her like she does for you? She was going to waste her time coming out here by the sounds of it. What are you scared will happen between you and the American girl?
How do you break the news to her; the least, and I mean the absolute bare minimum you can do to try and be DECENT is to be honest with her and to REFUND her the expenses that she has made such as tickets etc;
Call her and offer her the money, tell her she unfortunately will have to cancel the trip, you will refund her expenses(and then do so); she will probably(with reason) be upset and want to know why; well then tell her about your: one date, like her, relationship.
I do believe you can do with some information regarding the difference between relationships and dating.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2008): Thank you for the additional information
My first response was the correct one...regarding the lack of a timeline only it makes My second post even more relevant for you to think about because you went with the girl from college fully knowing the girl from the US was coming here to see you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to quickly explain, I have only JUST started dating the girl from my course. She asked me out last week, and we had our first date this past Friday evening. Conversation with the girl from America has not been consistent as of late, but I realize now that I have to act fast.
Thank you for the advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2008): The other posters have told you succinctly what needs to be done and fast...
What I will say is learn the lesson that before you start a new relationship finish with the other girl first, that is the same whether they are the girl next door or a girl in the US who you met over the internet, they deserve nothing less.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2008): The first thing to do is to recognise that one young lady is going to have her dreams shattered, she is probably looking forward to meeting you, may have already booked the tickets and believes she will be meeting you, may be a first trip to Europe who knows. I don't know the timeline or what was said but your post describes that "you flirted with her" and that "She and I both hoped that we would be intimate together"
My employers warn that e-mail and IM messaging is fraught with the danger of being misread, I won't ask if you had a webcam conversation...
I can't understand why you didn't let your on line girlfriend into the fact that you were 'going with someone' or when the trip was first mooted tell her "you didn't think that was a good idea her coming across"
Time is running out, by my calculations there is only a four week window left before Christmas... accepting that it will be at least 2 weeks before she arrives and ruling out the two weeks immdediately before Christmas (as presumably she will need to return to the States before Christmas week).
There is no easy way to tell her it is over, not to come to the UK to meet you and tell her you've found someone else and that you don't want to see her, as in her eyes you have been two timing her, after all you gave her the clear impression you wanted to be with her and then went out with another, just because she was down the computer disdn't mean she was any less real.
Time is not on your side, you need to do this immediately.
and if it is any consolation I tried six times to find an alternative solution but couldn't come up with one that didn't involve lying to one or other of the girls
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (27 October 2008):
 I will add my two cents (of a córdoba, which is very little money). Who are you planning to break the news to? I suppose you mean the American girl. I'm afraid someone will hate you at the other side of the pond, very quickly.
Mistakes are good things if we learn from them. One at a time, as Birdy said.
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reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (27 October 2008):
 You have to tell her now that you are involved with someone else, incase she has booked tickets that she needs to cancel. Just be honest with her and break the news as soon as possible. AND, Ahem, You probably shouldn't have been still chatting her up online when you were starting to go out with someone else either! Your girlfriend would be pissed if she found out, AND she would be right to feel that way - girlfriends want exclusivity. You are obviously a nice guy, with a lot of girls liking you, but let's not be greedy and date them one-at-a-time, please! Good Luck with your new girlfriend, and hope things work out for you!
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