A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I am 33 and really, really, really want a baby. My issue is my husband keeps putting this off. His excuses are always, you are still smoking (true), you are recovering from surgery (true), you are going on a holiday with girlfriends soon (true). However this has been going on for 8 years! I am no longer willing to wait and would consider this a marriage breaker. As a woman I know my body very well and I am convinced that my time is running out. Without going into too many details I can tell my cycles are getting shorter and my body is changing rapidly. I am terrified I will miss my window and be resentful for the rest of my life.Money is not an issue, just my husband's attitude which is purely selfish.Anyone have any life experience or advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHusband has done a 180 and now is intent on starting a family as is giving his all to it.Wow what a change of heart. Not sure what did it except my stern warning that no children was a marriage breaker and selfish.I guess that worked as he knew I was not kidding.Thanks again guys!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2009): I don't know if this will help you but I too was married at your age and wanted a baby. My husband was clearly not interested. He used to cite financial reasons although he was a trader and other excuses such as I was always tired - which was true as I had a hard job too. I became utterly obsessed with wanting a child and every conversation we had ended up on this subject. I could see him glazing over. I used to explain that age was no issue to men but it is to a female but he wasn't really fussed. In the end I could take it no longer and I left him as I knew he would stall for ever. This was ten years ago and I am now married to someone else and have a child. My first husband is still childless. I really loved my first husband and still do but I needed a child and that was more important. I think without fail it is a marriage breaker.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2009): yep he is stalling. the question you need to ask is WHY? is he justified? your continuous smoking? surgery issues?give yourself 6 months and then practice, practice, practice. what if he actaully doesn't want a baby? have you considered that/a baby is not like a toy, it is a lifelong commitment. you and the hubby need to make some changes in your lives and compromise.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (21 August 2009):
 Well first of all stop giving him excuses not to have a baby! Quit smoking to start, then when you come back off holiday and you have fully recovered from surgery sit down and talk to him about this.
At the moment you are giving him reasons not to try for a baby - so once you stop giving him excuses then he will be forced to talk about it properly. If you have been wanting a baby for 8 years and still smoking the entire time then he will think you are not serious about it and he can get away with putting it off over and over again. But if you make some serious changes to your lifestyle that will show him just how much you want this, then he might realise the time is now!
Once you have made these changes you need to talk about it properly. Sit him down and explain to him that you are worried if you leave it much longer you wont be able to concieve and you consider it a "marriage breaker". So you need to make it clear to him that if he does not want a baby then that would be the end of your marriage - see what he has to say to that!
Did you not discuss children before you were married? It would make sense to know before you get married where each person stands on having children - did he tell you he wants them and now he has changed his mind? That will be something else to talk about when you do sit down together to discuss this.
But one thing for you to think about - you are 33 (which isnt that old really, once you are past 35 it will become more difficult but it is still possible to get pregnant). But say your husband tells you he doesnt want a baby, not now and not ever, so you leave him and end the marriage. Then where would you be? I guess you could adopt or use a sperm donor to have a baby but the reality would be you are a 33 year old woman, divorced and looking to settle down with the next man you find just to have a child? Is that really the right thing to do?
I understand you need for a baby but if you did leave your husband, you would then have so many more problems. Because ideally you would need to meet a new man, date for a while, move in together, get married....who knows how long that could take! So you might be what 37, 38 before you find another man who you could share your life with. Then surely you are in a worse position than you are in now!
Maybe not having a baby is a marriage breaker but would you rather be childless and in a marriage with a good man who loves you, and you love him. Or childless, divorced and alone? There are no guarantees that leaving him would mean you get a baby, so you need to think carefully before you go as far as ending the marriage.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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