A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello all,I've just turned 39 and have been single for 8 months after ending a relationship which was toxic, I wont go into it but he had issues. Im very sad that at 39 I am alone and have no children. I have 3 siblings who have children, and it's getting to the stage where I dont want to go to some social gatherings as I get grilled over whether I'm broody, and why dont I just go out and get pregnant, why is there no one out there for me and all those questions. Dont get me wrong I have lots of great friends, but I just dont want people to keep bringing it up. I wont have a baby alone, only if I meet someone and if its not meant to be then its not meant to be. I feel teary that life has not turned out how it should have. I like who I am, just the last 6 years with men have been disasterous, my fault, I should have concluded those relationships a long time ago. I have finally feeling like my heart is mended and am ready to have fun again, but am fed up of people asking me over and over.. when are you going to settle down ? Im starting to even doubt myself now - I feel anxious at night and very sad xx Any postive words would be lovely to lift my sad mood x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2012): I'm the same age as you and in a similar position, but I'm happy alone.
(It drives me mad when people ask me the same sort of thing, or you go on a night out and people say, Oooooh, we'll have to find you a man...!!)
Perhaps you should turn the tables on then and say constantly, 'So how is it your marriage to so and so,? Why don't you just divorce seen as you moan about him so much... etc!' Or 'Why did you have kids again?' Or 'why did you settle for so and so, and not stay single till you met the right one?' haha.
Sometimes, when you stop looking for someone, they seem to come along like buses anyway! You are in your prime, and you shouldn't just settle to please anyone, make sure when you find someone he is totally right for you and not just go out with them to stop getting questioned about being single!
Oh and be prepared when you do, it will be a trillion questions like, so is it serious, are you going to get engaged/married etc etc (a whole load more questions to answer!)
Take care x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2012): hi there I sympathize with you, I'm in a similar situation only I've been in it longer from what it sounds like.
"I have finally feeling like my heart is mended and am ready to have fun again, but am fed up of people asking me over and over.. when are you going to settle down ? "
It's funny and sad how people would be appalled if you repeatedly grilled them every time you saw them "when are you going to lose all that weight already?" and yet such people think nothing of grilling you "when are you going to get married/have kids already?"
why not tell these people to please stop bringing up this subject because they are sounded like a broken record. If they refuse to and insist on subjecting you to their judgmental intrusions, then they are violating your personal boundaries. And if being around certain people is chronically unpleasant because they are violating your boundaries, then you have the right to not be around them anymore. You need to start surrounding yourself with a different set of people, people who give you positive energy, not people who drag you down.
Of course it's not so easy to cut people out of your life when they are related to you. But I'm not saying you have to cut them off completely, just put more distance between you and them so as to not be subjected to their rudeness so much. And it doesn't have to be forever, just maybe for a few months or years on an as-needed basis until the situation changes (either their attitude, or your lifestyle, or your attitude).
realize that many people who feel that it's abnormal or wrong or pitiable to be single and/or childless, truly feel a disrespect toward you and a sense of superiority over you if you're single and/or childless. the more "family oriented" someone is, the more likely they are to look down on you and feel superior to you and that can't help but come across in their behavior towards you. Even then, someone may secretly pity you (not your problem) but at least have the decency to keep their thoughts to themselves. The height of arrogance is for someone to try to make you be more like them because they think they are so much better than you. This just means that all the more you should stop spending your time around people like this.
Spend your time instead around like-minded people and with people who respect you, or with people for whom your singleness just doesn't register on their radar as a relevant detail in your relationship to them, anymore than what kind of car you drive matters to them.
"I feel teary that life has not turned out how it should have. I like who I am, just the last 6 years with men have been disasterous, my fault, I should have concluded those relationships a long time ago. "
Don't feel bad, there isn't a "should" as in how your life "should" have been or on what time line. Don't subscribe to the brainwashing of society and your family, that the only acceptable or superior way to live is to be in a marriage with kids. Look around at all the people who have exactly that but are miserable and in terrible situation BECAUSE of it. Don't let your sisters get to you and push their personal values and ideology down your throat.
Right now you are in a great position because your life is now full of opportunity. You have accomplished an enviable task which is getting yourself out of toxic relationship situations. (many marriages are toxic relationships but people dont' get out because it's harder what with all the legal and financial barriers). you have courage and have undergone a lot of personal growth. People who can't be happy for you and instead tell you that you're not good enough for them, are themselves a form of toxic people even if they 'mean well.' You've already learned what it feels like to get away from a toxic person. Your work may not be done, yet! (in reference to your obnoxious family)
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A
female
reader, batfink +, writes (21 January 2012):
I hope I have some positive feedback for you. I'm 38, I live alone with my cats after a painful divorce 4 yrs ago. My two sisters both have kids, even the one who was said to have the mothering instincts of a rat!!My relationships since my divorce have been a total disaster (you're welcome to read my questions) and a lot of that has been due to my low self esteem.I too have kept at relationships that I should have ditched long before and it left me feeling worse. Again that is because of low self esteem. Anyway, after a very low point in my life I made a huge decision. I saw my doctor about my feelings and he put me in touch with a local therapist. He also put me on a very low dose of anti depressants to get me through. I felt very sad, angry and depressed that I should have had kids by now if it weren't for my terrible husband and eventually I have came to accept that a lot of what has happened in my life stemmed from low self esteem which allowed men to treat me like dirt and allowed me toaccept that treatment.So,to cut a long story short I then went to a hypnotherapist and my god my life changed!! I have been able to deal with underlying issues. I have had the strength to tell people who criticise me for my failed marriage or lack of kids to be more sensative or leave me be as we all deal with things in our own way.I have cut out of my life those who refuse to accept me as I am and found that I am a hell of a lot stronger without these negative people dragging me down!!I have now met a wonderful guy who loves me just the way I am and would do anything for me. I know that a lot of the success is due to how much stronger I feel in nmyself due to therapy and hypnotherapy. If you are strong then you find strength and it will build day by day.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2012): you said: I like who I am, I too am in my late 30's I am married and Have no kids. I am still lonely inside dispite having a mate that is around all the time.I never did get the "baby feaver" even though I like kids. So getting a mate and a baby won't answer all your problems. You just need to tell your friends when they drill you say,"you have a life of your own don't you?"
You like who you are so they need to get a life of their own and stop worrying about yours! Good luck!
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A
female
reader, bardia  +, writes (21 January 2012):
 I just ended my first relationship ever 3 weeks ago. I was 35 when we got together. It lasted 15 months. I don't know how much encouragement I can give you as I'm staring down "37 years" in a month with no guys in site. Everyone says "give it time" and "you'll find Mr. Right soon, when you least expect him." At this point, after high school, 8 years of college, 6 years in another state, and numerous social and performing arts groups, I honestly don't know what the hold up is. I'm smart, nice, cute-at least that's what everyone around me says. So we'll hold onto hope, and maybe we'll really find "the one" by the time we're 70. Hang in there. You're not alone in feeling this way.
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