A
female
age
36-40,
*lue_Velvet
writes:Okay,I have this friend, we'll call her Moon. Now she and I have been friends for almost five years. I've seen her go through several boyfriends, as she has seen me do. Her boyfriends though, ranged from emotionally abusive, spoiled brats, to physically abusive charmers. I've tried to break off the friendship a couple of times when I thought we just weren't moving in the same direction any more. But you know how it is with friends, it never works out that way. There is the back story. Well Moon had this boyfriend, we will call him Chaos. He's a nice guy, a real charmer with a bad temper. He shoved her around a couple of times, but Moon really liked him and every time she forgave him and asked me to do the same. Every time I would eventually thaw (it's stupid and hard not to like Chaos) and we'd all be on friendly terms again. Well at the begining of this year, they finally broke up! I still wanted to be friends with Chaos, and Moon didn't mind. So I went up there to see him with my roomate we'll call her....Murphey. I didn't get to party on New Years because I had to work, so we bought a bottle of peach vodka and some orange juice. I should have known better than to drink, but hey I'm twenty four, and it seemed like a great time. The night started out tame enough, a couple of shots and then a nice game of truth or dare...which as it will do when alchol is involved, quickly turned dirty. I ended up making out with Murphy, and...well long story short, I ended up giving "orders" to Chaos and Murphy as they did the dirty deed. I was still fully clothed, I may have kissed Chaos, but I can't remember, but I did not physically act in the sex. I knew it was a mistake the minute it was over, actually, I knew it was a mistake when they started doing it. I finally went and crashed in Chaos' room (by myself) and left them to it. The next day we all decided that it wasn't something Moon needed to know, and I told Chaos and Murphy that I was out. I just couldn't do it to Moon. I enjoyed playing with them, sort of, but the cost was really too high. Chaos came and stayed the weekend with Murphy and I shortly after this, I believe I kissed him once (I know I shouldn't have but I admit, I was jealous of Moon and wanted to see what was so great about Chaos that made her believe she loved him.) I've always been kinda jealous of Moon. She falls in love so easily and I just don't, she gets in serious relationships and I just can't give myself over like that. So yeah, I know I was playing with fire when I invited him over. NOTHING happened while he was at my place between Chaos and I. Now, him and Murphy? Well they're both adults and I can't really say 'hey no sleeping together!' Chaos and moon had broken up and every one is an adult.Moon and I ended up hanging out and I said nothing about the entire situation. When Moon asked me if Chaos hit on me, I said 'other than the normal flirting stuff, no not really' which is only sorta a lie...because at that moment he didn't hit on me. THEN a couple days later I get a text from Chaos telling me that 'She knows' so he calls me and tells me they got into this fight and he threw everyone he was sleeping with under the bus, (Including the fact he had a threesome thing with me and Murphy.) I called Moon and told her that, really nothing had happened. I told her I felt like a jerk, but only a moderate level of jerk because really I didn't sleep with him or even touch him in a sexy way. Apparently Moon sent Chaos a text message asking what all had happened and then sent me a message saying 'I need time to think.' Okay, I can respect that. I sent back on that said 'I understand' and that was five days ago. Moon has since deleted me off her facebook (which is surprisingly more hurtful than I would have thought) and I don't know when I should contact her. I am thinking about texting Chaos to tell him that, 'sorry but Moon is more important to me and her friendship has been through more, so I'm going to delete you off fb and not talk to you for awhile' at least until this all blows over, or forever.I do feel bad for what I did, but not near as bad as I think maybe I should be feeling. I've never really done anything this douche' in life and I guess I thought I should get a get out of jail free card or something. I generally put other people before myself, think of overs, and this time I thought with my um, lower parts...and not my brain, no surprise it's gotten me in trouble. I just don't know what to do. Help, please help me because I'm lost, and I feel really alone and I just want to make this better. Thank you for your timeBlue Velvet
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): This is blue velvet, sorry this response won't be long. I will try to get a better one up sometime soon, it will just take the time. I wish to thank all of you for giving me a different perspective, and I am doing some serious soul searching. Thanks.
A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (29 January 2011):
 The reason why Moon can so easily forgive new boyfriends and not yourself is because you two have an established friendship that's taken years to build. In a long-term friendship you have a right to expect things like honesty and loyalty from each other. There is an agreement of trust. You EXPECT, not hope, that each of you ALWAYS (not most of the time) has the other's back, and if you break this trust, you've shaken the very foundations of your friendship. It makes one wonder, are we really friends? If 5 years of friendship doesn't guarantee me loyalty and honesty from this person, will any number of years do that? What is the point?
In a new relationship you cannot expect anything of the other person because there is no history. If a new friend breaks your trust but you still want something from him (like a relationship) you may be willing to give him another chance and, more importantly, the benefit of the doubt. He has no loyalties to you like someone with 5 years of friendship to you should, so you can't really expect much from him. You think, maybe it takes him a year or two to become a loyal friend, so I have to wait for that before I can earn mutual trust. After all, why would one pledge loyalty to a virtual stranger?
Maybe your friend will forgive you and maybe she won't. I'm just trying to help you see her side of it. As FloridaCatGirl pointed out though, I don't get the sense you care at all about Moon's feelings.
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (29 January 2011):
 Let me get this straight… your dear friend Moon and her bf Chaos broke up, you and your roommate Murphy swooped in on Chaos, got drunk with him, played a “nice game of truth or dare” (your exact words), you kissed Chaos, and then you “ended up giving "orders" to Chaos and Murphy as they did the dirty deed.” Gee… you sound like a lovely friend. I can’t imagine why Moon doesn’t want you in her life anymore.
I know you’re not going to like what I have to say, but I’m going to be brutally honest with you. I’ve been in Moon shoes… and it is not a fun place to be. Don’t get me wrong, nobody is perfect and I don’t think you’re an evil person… but I do question your morals and integrity.
You described Chaos as “a nice guy, a real charmer with a bad temper. He shoved her around a couple of times…” So, he’s a player with a bad temper, and a propensity to physically abuse his girlfriend.” Yep, sounds like a real “nice guy.” Regardless, after Moon and Chaos broke up, you “still wanted to be friends with Chaos, and Moon didn't mind.” With all his wonderful qualities, who could blame you?! As for Moon… she minded… trust me… she minded.
There are certain “unspoken” rules about friendships. Boyfriends and ex-boyfriends are off limits. Apparently, you learned this the hard way. How would you feel if Moon did the same thing with one of your exes right after you had broken up? I’m going to wager that it wouldn’t make you feel too good.
After playing truth or dare and hooking up with Chaos, you “knew it was a mistake the minute it was over, actually, I knew it was a mistake when they started doing it.” REEEEEALLY? You must have felt just awful… so awful, that you proceeded to “order” Chaos and Murphy around while they had sex.
Oh it gets even better… the next day, you suddenly have an epiphany, and you all decide that last night’s 3some “wasn't something Moon needed to know, and I told Chaos and Murphy that I was out. I just couldn't do it to Moon.” Ohhhh okay… that must be you “kissed him once”… you mean AGAIN… when Chaos came to visit you and Murphy for the weekend, shortly after your sexcapade at his place. In the same breath you say, “So yeah, I know I was playing with fire when I invited him over. NOTHING happened while he was at my place between Chaos and I.” You mean… besides kissing him, huh?
There are virtually no redeeming qualities about Chaos, but I will give him credit for two things… loyalty and honesty. When push came to shove, he knew his loyalty was to Moon (although no longer dating), and he fessed up immediately. The same certainly cannot be said for you. No… instead, you called up Moon and lied to her face. You told her “really nothing had happened. I told her I felt like a jerk, but only a moderate level of jerk because really I didn't sleep with him or even touch him in a sexy way.” I mean…gee… all you did was kiss him a couple times, and direct him and Murphy while they had sex. You missed a valuable opportunity to come clean at this point and apologize.
Truthfully, I don’t believe for one second that you feel bad about your actions. In fact, the only emotions you felt were hurt and anger when Moon deleted you from FB. That’s why you’re mad. Deep down, you don’t feel bad for what you’ve done to Moon. You view yourself as the victim. It’s obvious that you are jealous of Moon… you’ve even admitted that. You feel she has something you don’t have… perhaps she’s prettier, smarter, or more amicable. I think this has something to do with why you don’t feel guilty about hurting her.
Anyway, I’m sorry if I have been hard on you. I’m only trying to get you to see things from a different perspective. I don’t know if Moon will forgive you… you’ve been friends for a while, so I imagine she will. But it’s highly likely that she will never trust you again. And trust is the basic foundation upon which solid relationships are built. Once you destroy the foundation, the whole house comes down.
I hope you have learned something from this and I do wish you all the best. In addition, I would be interested in hearing your response to what I’ve written. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Blue_Velvet +, writes (29 January 2011):
Blue_Velvet is verified as being by the original poster of the question • @ Flynn
Thank you for your swift reply. I completely agree that it was silly and childish to play drinking games with her ex. I should have known better, but common sense is apparently not my forte. It is very interesting to have a males point of view on this situation. Thank you again for your advice and I will give her the space she’s requested. Thanks again.
Blue Velvet
@Gamine
Thank you for your well thought out response. I know that there isn’t really a get out of jail free card. That just isn’t how life works. I didn’t actually think of it as messing with some one else’s life for my jollies, and perhaps I should have. It might have saved me some drama and time. I however have a hard time agreeing to the point you make about ‘getting my own life, lover of my own and be respectable’(perhaps I am just offended, which could be the case;) I have my own life, I’ve had my own lovers, and I am on whole a pretty respectable person. Envy and Jealousy are such tricky things, and everyone has those feelings sometimes, I believe that most people have been known to act on them in one moment or another in their life. It seems like the punishment is very strong for a first serious offence, if you know what I’m trying to say?
I have decided to clean up my act. Although, I’m not sure I understand what you mean when you say “You are pretty young to have gotten this far off the road.” This has all happened within the last month. The past twenty four years of my life have been relatively calm and I have done what I thought was the ‘good’ or right thing. Even to the point of talking Moon out of things that I was sure she’d regret later. I do, agree, that it is in fact a wake-up call though. I had just wished, at the very beginning of this year that I was more….of a partier, more of a ‘do what I want kind of person’ and within this last month have seen what kind of person I actually become given those chances and no, I don’t like that woman.
I do apologize, to her, to myself, and for the situation however I believe it would be unrealistic to vow to do no harm in the future. I’m human, we harm people. It isn’t ever on purpose (at least, it shouldn’t be.) Perhaps you can answer this, because part of me is actually MAD at Moon. She is willing to forgive men, who hit her, who mentally abuse her, who remain emotionally unavailable to her, time and time again. I have been her friend for five years, and I get cut out of her life for one mistake? It upsets me greatly, and I do understand that I was in the wrong; I don’t understand how she can forgive them and not me. Do you think you can shed light on that?
I have always tried to live with a conscious, and strange that you say choose to do good or evil, have always tried to do good. I’ve held my tongue when I thought words would hurt, I’ve reached out a hand to people I didn’t like, to make peace with things. I think it’s terribly dramatic however to take this one situation and classify it as good or evil. But I suppose I’m having problems realizing what the lesson I’m learning here is supposed to be.
Once more thank you for a speedy reply to my question I really appreciate your outlook on the situation.
Blue Velvet
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2011): Upset though she may be, she really has no right to complain... it's not like you cheated. They were broken up.
I could have told you it was a terrible, terrible idea to play childish drinking games with a friend's ex so soon after their break up, but thats me.
The best you can do now is to give her space and time. Let her be angry and work it out herself. Just let her know that whatever happens, you don't blame her or hold it against her and hope that one day she can find it in her heart to forgive you.
Flynn 24
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