A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Awhile back, my wife and I got drunk and lost our inhibitions and did something we always fantasized about, but should have left as a fantasy. We had a threesome, with a complete stranger.We picked a stranger, because we thought the chances of a repeat performance were less likely.Anyhow, to be honest, we all really liked it and it actually has developed into an occasional deal, which I am not bothered by, it's just on occasion and never behind my back.So what's the problem? We've done this 5 times now over the past 2 years and this last time while she was going down on me, he slowly worked on inserting in her anus. I thought something was up because the pace slowed, but I was just in ecstasy so I didn't know exactly what he was doing behind her. Well it hit me when we changed positions and she went to mount him in a reverse cowgirl and I saw him inserting in her anus.My problem is I have always wanted to have anal sex with her and never have been afforded the opportunity, yet he was, he broke her anal virginity. I feel something has been taken from me and I can never look at her the same. I know it took two to tango, in this case three, but I'd think it would have been understood that our "guest" would at least have the same guidelines as her husband, or less. Didn't know I needed to write up a contract covering the rules.I know I carry a certain portion of the blame here, but how do I move forward?
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male
reader, SteGan  +, writes (24 August 2014):
I have just had a similar experience. We had a one off 3sum and she let the other guy do anal. Something she has always refused with me. She has appologised and said she got carried away. But does anyone have any advice on how to get passed this?
A
male
reader, JerryS +, writes (24 March 2011):
Sorry man but you asked for it....I can remember having a threesome with my wife and all was cool. I had cum very quickly because it was such a horny experience so I went to sit in the lounge to rest up and have a drink. Next thing I hear my wife yelling this dudes name and telling him to go deeper. This unsettled me at first but then I thought to myself.... this is what you asked for.You must always be prepared for unintended consequences. Like here in the UK when the State introduced a windows tax... result people bricked up their windows and homes started to look ugly.She loves you and in the heat of the moment she let her self go. I would love my women to get so hot that she would really push her limits. I think you would regret it if you let her go and I think she would to. You have something special and you would be a fool to let that slip through your fingers.
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A
male
reader, slimfish  +, writes (28 October 2010):
 why not thank this guy, for opening up a whole new world for you. one you had given up on, and now lays at you feet, so to speak.
your wife didn't plan this to happen but in the heat of the moment did this to please you, and your other partner. you didn't set limits with this guy. sorry but that's your mistake.you wanted spice and you got it....in spades.
wake up and smell the roses.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): Or find a guy with a woman and take it to the limit with her. If you are keeping score this lets you keep it even.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): If you bring another guy in to round out your fantasy, you should run with it. Isn't a freewheeling experience what you are looking for?
At the risk of sounding crude you should have took it where it led you. You might have gone for some DP and you and him traded out.
Once a guy is f'ing your wife and doing so in your presence and with your blessing, I don't see how you can expect to retroactivly establish and enforce boundaries.
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A
female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (27 October 2010):
 Male anon, the OP brought up divorce in his follow up. I think you two need to sit and talk about what happened. Male anon is right, I think it would bother most men. Lots of good replies here that I agree with. We can guess all day but for this relationship between you and your wife to survive, you have to communicate how you are feeling and find out what she was thinking, and go from there. Good luck
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (27 October 2010):
You made your bed, now you have to lie in it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): I don't know where divorce came into this discussion but the O.P. didn't say anything like that.
The point is that no self-respecting man wants to be the nice guy that his wife plays respectable & demanding with, dispite her playing submissive and slutty with other guys in the past or present. It's common sense that this would bother the shit out of the husband.
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (27 October 2010):
 Things happen when a sexual experience goes beyond the ordinary. I think something like that is what happened here. It's possible she was not even conscious of the fact that a boundary was being broken at that moment.
I myself do not like anal and do not allow my partners to do it. That said, during an encounter with multiple partners (I tend to take things to the extreme, so it's more than a threesome) I have allowed a guy to do it occassionally. Why? I don't know...in the 'heat' of the moment it seemed like a fun thing to do - and while I don't regret doing it when I did, it's STILL something I would not ordinarily do.
Please re-consider whether this occurrency merits thinking about divorce...surely it's something that can be thought out.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): It was done in the heat of the moment. She shouldnt have done it. You shouldnt have watched and said nothing. Its 50/50 here. Instead of talking of divorce. Realise you both made a mistake and learn from it. Threesomes often leave one or other partner upset. Until you have very clear rules, i would stop having them.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): She should have known better, end of story.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 October 2010):
 Yeah, good luck with that one....
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male
reader, TimmD +, writes (26 October 2010):
 In my opinion, this is one of those times where you have to just put this behind you. Stop the threesomes for right now, sit down and have a nice, honest talk with your wife. Sure we can all sit here and discuss the pros and cons to threesomes (this being a foreseeable con) but it's not worth it at this point.
It happened. From what you told me, I seriously doubt your wife purposefully gave it up for him over you. My guess is that just like you were caught up in the "ecstasy", so was she. I think 99 women out of 100 will deny anal penetration when they're not seriously turned on. It's not something that works well planned. "Hey, honey... wanna do anal next Thursday???" Doesn't work like that. It has to be in the heat of it all for it to work. This seems like absolutely perfect timing in my opinion. Heck, odds are if you would have tried it then, it would've worked too.
My point is, it's done. There's nothing you can do about it. Divorce? Sure, but why? You two made the decision to have threesomes and all of the basis' weren't covered. Learn from this mistake, and move on. Discuss it with her and tell her no more anal for other guys. And about her anal virginity being taken? So what again. Just like "regular" virgins, the first time isn't always the best. The last guy did the hard work for you, now (hopefully) she should be open to pursuing the anal thing.
Threesomes aren't for everyone. Personally I think they do more harm than good, but that's just me. For others they are a true form of sexual exploration and open the doors to a lot of great sexual experiences. Try taking whatever positives from the last one and just move forward. If you continue the threesomes without talking to her it will only make things worse. Even if you don't continue the threesomes, you still need to talk to her. You guys are open enough to bring another partner into your bed, having an honest conversation shouldn't be difficult.
Talk it over. Only after BOTH of you are comfortable should you continue the threesomes.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (26 October 2010):
 Forget the posters blaming you for this. You get to feel upset over it. It was a pretty nasty thing of her to do. Unfortunately, it's pretty understandable on her part, and I don't think there's an easy fix.
Did your wife pick the guy? If so, she probably saw him as a more powerful, dominant male, and women's inhibitions are lower the more they are attracted to a guy. That's attracted in the short-term, sexual, genetic sense, not the love-forever sense. The two are not necessarily mutually exclusive, but they are very different.
Threesomes are a bad call in general, but there needs to be some balance. By letting another man get at her sexually in any way, you're basically convincing the primitive cavegirl part of her brain that you are not a protector. Have you had FFM threesomes? Those might have the opposite effect, triggering her competitive instincts. They still have the same potential to damage the relationship, but you might at least get some anal out of it.
I wish I could tell you to just go for anal without saying anything next time, but that's probably a no-go. Asking for a specific sex act of any sort owuld probably fail here, too. Ending threesomes altogether may save your marriage, but it would not repair the damage done to her attraction for you.
Two things have to happen, though I would put the odds of success at about 50/50. First, you have to sit her down and talk to her. Be clear, upfront, calm, and brief. No accusations or anger. Tell her that the threesomes have to end, and explain the damage you think it is doing to your sex life. Again, calm and brief.
Second, she has to start seeing you as a more powerful, dominant guy. She needs to see you excelling at work or a hobby, hitting the gym more often, and being more assertive in bed and in everyday interactions. Again, not confrontational, just assertive, as though you expect everyone to comply with your will, but you don't care if they choose not to.
I can't say the chances are very good, either for gettign anal or saving your marriage, but that's the best I can suggest.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): Maybe she felt, suddenly, with the new situation (not just you and her) that with all the boundaries now crossed and down - then why not cross that one aswell? What is the difference between her anus and her vagina for you? Personally I would never entertain anal sex whether in a longstanding relationship or a threesome - same decision. Mind you I don't want a threesome. This shows that we can all set out with one approach in life and then this can change. My concern is that you are taking it so very very personally. What is it about anus that means so much more???? You say she gave up things for another man and not you - but then she gave up the sanctity of her sexual relationship with you to have a threesome. That in itself is a pretty big 'give up'?
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (26 October 2010):
 If you haven't laid out any restrictions ahead of time then there's nothing stopping them. I know of lots couples who laid out rules from jumping into the sack..A threesome is a very open action between 3 partners, if there's something you don't prefer him to do on her then say so..if not then he will assume all systems go. If you're open to having a threesome that would pretty much imply you're open to anything including sticking your tool in a woman's anus. Are you telling me he's going to stop and ask "hey is that ok?" ? Come on.
No one is stopping you from divorcing your wife because she gave another man which was invited into your bed, her anal virginity. I can see where you're upset because she told you no, and then she did it with someone else. It's very possible she got caught up into the heated moment and just went with the flow..instead of pulling away. There she was in the wrong, but how could she know that something that small meant the world to you? How is she not being trustworthy? It went on in front of you. Talk it out with her if you do love her, instead of making the decision of a divorce when you have some fault in this as well.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): It's not an "ownership" by any means, the only thing I can control or own is my own feelings and reactions.Sure it wasn't written in stone ahead of time, but how many threesomes really are? She's told me flat out in the past that anal sex is a no-no, so why shouldn't I assume that she would object to it in this case? It's just a no-no for me? In fact the more shocking part is there was no discernible objection from her, other words I would have noticed her trying to utter no while he is probing her rear end. Butt nothing, no objection whatsoever.No I can't stop her from doing anything, but I sure as hell can divorce her for betraying me, giving another man something that she wouldn't give me. She has the right to control the distribution of her anus, but don't I have the same stipulations on my effection? If I can't trust her now, then how can I move forward?It's not the involvement of another man that has gotten me, but the fact that she gave up things to him, that she never gave up to me, even though I've been her provider, protector, lover for all these years.Yes we shared, and I really have hardly any regrets against that, just the fact that it lead to non-conventional sex.Also, to those that say anything goes in a threesome, does that mean I whould just stick my tool in a girl's anus without asking if it's acceptable?
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (26 October 2010):
 I've no advice, but I can say after reading this post, I was so glad to find out I can claim to still be a virgin after all these years!
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male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (26 October 2010):
 It could be that she just reserves that place for him and the virgina for you. Although that's what you want it could also be that she knows that, so teases you by creating a bit of a chase, women are very good at that even if that don't know that they are doing it. It's possible that they may have hooked up without you. But if you have a good relationship I find it unlikely. I'd ask her upfront and let her know that you feel a but out o the loop. Remember if she developed emotional connection with him one day you could be given the flick. Regardless.
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female
reader, starfairy +, writes (26 October 2010):
 Sometimes it's easier to lose your inhibitions with someone you hardly know, rather than someone you know very well...This might have been the case. Does she let you now?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): Anyone who combines booze with women deserves to pay that price...
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male
reader, soon567 +, writes (26 October 2010):
When you treat your wife as a slut don't get up set when she acts as one. You said it best something needs to remain as fantasy. Why will you leave her for something you talk her into doing?
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (26 October 2010):
Basically in a threesome anything goes, unless you lay out rules before you begin. Which I suggest doing if you have any restrictions.
I suggest you and your wife don't engage in threesomes anymore. Because you got jealous he took your wife's anal virginity..Can't have jealousy in a threesome.
Now, have a talk with your wife that you're upset he had anal sex with her when you have always wanted to do that. But the deed is done, so move forward with knowing now you can have anal sex with your wife. And leave it just the 2 of you. You already know three is a crowd.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): My goodness - I do find it hard to believe you happily share your wife with another man yet you feel you have some kind of 'ownership' of her anal passage? As if she herself has no rights on who does what and where in such a situation. Like so many people you have carried out your fantasy and now you don't like where its gone. I'm afraid apart from talking to your wife about it you will only wonder if it will happen again and that could give you real issues.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 October 2010):
 Well its sad to say that when you are married and start having threesomes it is going to cause a lot of trouble and in your case it is true again, i dont no why people but there marriage at risk like this but never the less it is done now and there is no going back. I think you both need to stop having threesomes and add some spice in the bedroom between the both of you. You invited this man to have sex with your wife and am sure he wasnt aware that her anus was off limits so therefore if you felt this way it should have been made clear to the three of you before you started this so am afraid you are just as much to blame. Tell your wife how you are feeling and stop the threesomes and just try and move on from this concentrate on the both of you and nobody else.
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