A
female
age
30-35,
*j1234
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now. My previous boyfriend was addicted to porn and lied about it. I'm one of those girls who hate it--it's demoralizing in my eyes, sick, and perverted. So when I asked him about watching it or having a collection, he looked me right in the eye and said no (over a year ago). I have a computer I bought for school--my one and only rule was NO PORN sies-too many viruses, and it's disrespectful to me. He took that as strictly porn SITES, and used his cd's on my computer when I would leave for work. Well we are getting serious and I got home and was all excited to see if he had been looking at rings online, and found all of these shortcut files for different porn videos that attack the internet when he puts the CD in.. it was a brutal slap in the face. He lied about his collection (he didn't feel guilty since he changed his definition of collection in his mind, so it wasn't the same). But literally a year and a half he has been using my computer and tv to watch this crap.. Also, he told me he had ONE disk, so when I woke up in the middle of the night with the urge to find it, I found 13, another lie. After last night I asked him to come clean with everything; he comes clean as far as he needs to. I just can't trust him, I want to and I wanted to marry him, but if he can lie perfectly to my face for over a year, what else will he be lying about??HELP! What should I do???
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (17 March 2011):
 Thank you very much for the update. I'm very glad things worked out for you. I wish you the best.
A
female
reader, jj1234 +, writes (17 March 2011):
jj1234 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice everyone. We have worked it all out, and even planning on getting married in about a year :) getting problems and lies fixed early on is VERY important, we both grew a lot with that major fight.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): Soon567, I wish there were more men like you out there. Your comment concerning a handful of roses was simply put... but so insightful. Another poster (who shall remain nameless) who is attempting to put you down for grammar... has his head screwed on backwards. He is single with a stash of porn. What does that tell you? Sometimes you have to take it from where it comes...
Now, onto the question by the original poster...
Men throw around statistics. In this thread there's a stat that 70% of men use porn. That means that 30% don't. Find one in that 30%. One that has his hand wrapped around roses instead of his penis.
I married a man who vowed to me that he wasn't into porn. For me, porn was a deal breaker. 12 years into marriage I discover that he is not only into porn, but he's addicted. No sex between us, no lovemaking. It became a gradual separation over time... I could clearly see (following our conversations) that our marriage deteriorated because of it... fed his madonna/whore complex and basically messed him up as a man. He gave it up... only to be so addicted to the imagery and the dirty talk... that when an ex girlfriend offered sex... well, he took it. Said that her sex talk on the phone and emails was like the porn coming to life... and triggered a strong desire to act out the stimulus his brain and anatomy became used to. He became used to the high created by over the top sexual behavior as it is shown in porn. She created that experience for him... the strange thing was that he said when the actual act was going on it wasn't like the fantasy... and that it caused further mental problems.
What changed him? Getting caught and having his ass kicked by his wife.
Porn use CAN BE a signal into how a person is wired. Think about that. If you aren't wired that way, it means nothing to you. You may in fact find it turns your stomach. If you are wired that way... it is heaven on earth.
Soon567 hit the nail on the head. Immature men who want to make love to themselves, who perhaps see sex as a means to working their genitals only... who use porn to increase the separation in intimacy because they fear it... you name it. Porn creates a world of false intimacy. Its about the dick.
Some women like that, because they are wired similarly. Its about their crotch. That's their level. But there are some women who aren't that way. Some are wired for sex and intimacy... and monogamy. Some are ladies... but tigers too.... but with one man.
A man who needs porn is all about himself. A man who needs love, truth, honor, devotion and strength... is all about living as a man.
A man can be a child or he set those childish ways aside and grow up.
Bottom line? There are all sorts of validations out there for just about every single solitary thing we can point our finger at. However, when we can live without the need for excuses... in a real way... authentic... connected... then we get to live in fulfillment.
I'd like to make a suggestion to all of the guys out there who have made their hands their best friends...
If you gave yourself to your girl... I mean really gave yourself to her... you'd be surprised at how much you'd receive in return.
Then, you could use your hand for better things... like stroking her.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (27 October 2010):
Wow soon567, you really got me there... It's obvious you didn't ready my post or even understand what I wrote. Not surprising considering you don't even know the difference between constance and constant. You also didn't understand the OP's problem. You quote a line in there and run with it while failing to see what the statement you quoted was even about. That's her feelings about porn, not masturbation. It's also her feeling about the lies that go along with porn. Thus why I was explaining why many (I never said all) men lie about porn.
I read your advice. You're entitled to your opinions and horrible grammar, but what neither of us should be doing is continuing our disagreement here. If you have a problem with me, then lets take it to PM and work things out. Your last post offered nothing to the person asking the problem. Unfortunately neither does this except for a clarification of her problem, so I may have both removed for the sake of the OP.
I'm very sorry jj1234 for these last unhelpful posts.
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reader, soon567 +, writes (27 October 2010):
Dirtball I want respond to that garbage. Here figure out her key point. Here what does this say to you: "it's demoralizing in my eyes, sick, and perverted." Its targeting her mental state sooner or later she'll be depress by all this constance whacking off. Its not all about you and how you view masturbation. This post is about her and how she views it. Everything else you said it waste, reread what I wrote. I think you miss my point...maybe read it after you whack off.
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reader, smiliek  +, writes (27 October 2010):
 I was just about to post here with my story as it is very similar, but dirtball has already posted the link that i wrote. Lol. My best advice would be to try and keep the issues seperate. Keep him lying as a seperate issue to porn. Im very similar to you, i cannot stand getting lied to about anything. My fiance didnt get that for a very long time and i was very close to leaving. I dont know what it was, i was standing at the front door bawling about the fact he couldn't stop lying to me before he went 'i cant stand to lose you, im so sorry' And we then were able to talk everything over and come to a compromise that we could both be ok with. I knew asking him to stop would mean he'd be changin for me and i didnt want that, so we just made an agreement that involved him not lying to me, and me avoiding asking too much about it. As well as a few other things. He has lied but a few times about it since then, and has admitted after a bit and apologized for it. Its very ingrained for men to lie about it so bear in mind your bf may struggle a bit to begin with. But i do think you'll be able to work something out, as i was able to. And we're getting married next weekend so there ya go. Compromises, honesty and communication are all very important. Best of luck, keep us posted
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reader, jj1234 +, writes (26 October 2010):
jj1234 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you dirtball. I did read the link you posted. He's not calling me weird or anything because I don't like porn, he didn't argue at all, just kept apologizing. I figured I would try to understand it more, that's all. The more you know about a topic, the less odd it will feel, and if he would prefer coninuing his 'hobby', I would feel best if I were comfortable as well. I'm not the type that wants to change anyone, which is where my issue came in to whether or not I should leave him or not. He claims its not a serious thing with him, and he has no problem stopping; so if he's willing to change for me on this issue, that's great.
The discussion on that post you pasted on here is great, that couple has an awesome relationship. He is lying about porn the same as the other woman's man; I've done my research and found out it's really just second nature because growing up the guys have to hide it from their parents, relatives, etc. so that sticks and continues in to a relationship. It's a bit disgusting to me that he couldn't find anything better to do--like clean, or shop--and then claim he didn't use the computer all morning.. The lying just needs to stop, and he claims he understands that. So the trust won't be coming back any time soon, but he can regain it if he keeps to his word. He knows if I catch him in any lie again, even as stupid as these, that we are done; I don't do the lying, and I don't like feeling like I can't trust my significant other. You all have been very helpful; if I can remember I'll keep you posted along the road
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reader, dirtball +, writes (26 October 2010):
jj1234, I don't know if you followed the link I posted, but it is a post from a woman who accepted porn and is trying to deal with the lies her BF tells around it. It evolved into a more general discussion, but there are many points in there that I think you could find helpful.
The best way to approach a guy about porn is in a calm, conversational, way. The more attacked he feels, the more withdrawn he'll become. If he can understand why you feel the way you do, then he'll be more likely to be more open about it. Keep in mind though, he has been hiding this from many people for a long time. It will take time and changes he tries to make won't be immediate. He has to want to make these changes for himself, if he tries to make them for you I fear they will be temporary at best.
@ Soon567 (and I'm sorry OP for hijacking this for a minute) You say that porn is not becoming more common place. I see that you're also in America and I have to ask if you pay attention to anything you see. It is more common than ever before. Every break on the radio I hear an add for at least one strip club and at least one adult book store. Every night on TV at least a few stations turn into one continuous Girls Gone Wild commercial. It is everywhere on the internet and is growing daily. It is more easily accessable than ever before. How can you be so blind to what's going on around you? Why do you think we have 5 or 6 posts a day like this one here? Take your blinders off.
I suggest you keep your advice focused on those asking for it. If you don't fit the bill I laid out, then that's great, but don't for a second think you're in the majority of men.
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reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (26 October 2010):
 You sound like me when I would tell a guy I just want everything open and honest. Well that's good and sweet. A guy who doesn't care about you wouldn't utter a sorry. He would say you are crazy and leave. So with that much caring and love you can get past the hurt and anger. I'm sure you will be fine.
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reader, jj1234 +, writes (26 October 2010):
jj1234 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice everyone. Stayc, I have never been open to the thought of watching porn, but I did try to have a discussion with him about it last night, and why he needs to watch it. I did my best to accept it, and told him I don't have too much of a problem with him watching it, but the major issue was the lying. Just the fact that he was seeing how far he could go with his lies, and he ended up in a deep hole because of it. A year ago, if he would have honestly answered my question, this wouldn't be an issue, and I have told him repeatedly that a relationship is all communication; I've asked him to tell me everything that may bug him, may hurt my feelings, anything so that a year down the road it's not all built up. But when I asked that a year ago and he said he's not in to that stuff, then finding the files on MY COMPUTER, and asking if he went to porn websites (he answered a straight no, since he was only on DVDs), then asked how many (he said just 1) and finding out theres 13, I'm pretty pissed. I asked him to tell me everything, and he told me enough to get by, just to be caught in another lie this morning; I'm not going to break up with him, I do love him a lot and this is so minor, but the issue was 99% the lying part. And the fact that he can live with himself knowing that I trusted him completely, and used that trust to sneak around behind my back and tell lies. I'll keep ya posted on how our talk tonight goes--he's pretty upset, and I've never heard "I'm sorry" so much in my life than I have today.
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reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (26 October 2010):
I don't have too much to add but I agree with dirtball completely. If he is ashamed he will hide it, most guys will. If he doesn't see it as a problem but knows you are appalled by it, then he will keep it to himself. I know it hurts you but he was trying not to. As a girl who is completely fine with porn and watch it probably more than my boyfriend would I can't really understand females who hate it so much and are personally hurt by it. Relationships need communication though and you both need to be open. It isn't okay that he lied to you but if you love him and want to move on then you need to sit down and really discuss this, talk not fight. Let him know how badly it hurt you to see this crap on your computer and how you feel like you can no longer trust him because of it. I don't think you should dump him right away at all. If you truly love him anyway. My boyfriend and I have gone through A LOT of crap. But we care so much that we sit down and discuss the issues and try everything we can because we want it to work. I'm sure you could come up with something to help you get past this. Could you ever see yourself accepting porn? Is the main issue here lying or porn use or both? I have gone through this with an ex and obviously my issue was with lying about it, I mean I am a person with no problem at all with porn and he still lied about it! Which I think proves dirtball's post. But I can understand how you feel in that aspect. I felt that if he went to such lengths to hide it then it must be some addiction or something. But really talk to him please. And if a guy watching porn just won't work for you at all then I guess you should move on to another one. But good luck finding a guy who honestly doesn't watch it. You will probably go through the same issue again unfortunately. And in the grand scheme of everything that can be wrong with someone is this really the biggest deal? He cares about you and beneath your hurt and anger you care too. I think the lying about this one stupid issue can be solved when you sit down and talk. Try not to be judgemental if you do, don't attack with saying how disgusting and demeaning you find porn to be, it won't help him be open about it. Just have an honest chat about your feelings. Saying "I feel hurt by your actions. I want us to be able to discuss anything..etc" is much better than "I find what you did disgusting and you hurt me. What other porn collections do you have?" You won't have him wanting to tell any more things that will have you pissed off and possibly leaving him so he will tell the least amount to make it sound better, hoping you won't find out more. I don't know if I rambled too much to make sense at all. But if you want to talk more about it then you can feel free to email me anytime. Good luck and atleast give him a chance, maybe not accept porn but try to see it isn't the end of the world and he could be much worse. Truthfully with any situation you are uncomfortable with and express strong distaste and tell the guy outright, he will probably lie about it. It's just trying to please you even if it isn't the right way to do it. I have a lot of experience with liars... lol. Good luck.
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reader, soon567 +, writes (26 October 2010):
You should always speak only for yourself. Most men don't watch porn are it would be larger than it is today and not taboo as its seems to be. Sex is away of expressing one feeling for their partner. When you masturbating whom are you expressing it too? I guess yourself. I have different views as a lot on here and No I believe constance masturbating leads to lack of emotions for others and only severs as self gratification, yet you're sharing your life with another.
Leaving this selfish guy to f himself doesn't mean other guy is just as bad as this one is. Porn and masturbation can become addictive and therefore the porn doesn't its you that become the aid in his/her masturbation rituals. Go find a man that cares. One with a dozen roses in his hand for you. Let go of the one that only has his dick in his hand you can get that from any guy.
If you need to hide it then its wrong.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (26 October 2010):
A lie is a lie. I'll say that outright. You have every right to set the rules for what you will and will not tolerate in your life and in your relationships.
What I'm going to try to do is explain why lying about porn is different in the minds of most men. There are a couple of reasons whey men lie and hide their porn. The first is because we're told it's wrong. We're told it's wrong by our significant others, by our parents, even by society until more recently. So, what do you do with something you like, but are told repeatedly is wrong? You hide it. You compartmentalize it. You rationalize it. We tend to put our head in the sand and think that "what they don't know won't hurt them." The problem is that usually they find out. If you never found out about this, you would still be head over heels for him, wouldn't you? Really, he's been using this since before you met. He's the same guy he has been the whole time.
The other reason why guys can lie to your face about porn is that it is different to us. For many of us it is simply a masturbatory tool, like a vibrator, dildo, or fleshlight. It is something we use in private to pleasure ourselves. It doesn't influence how we feel about our partner and therefore it shouldn't be a problem to them in our eyes. That's the compartmentalization coming into play. Porn is part of masturbation. Masturbation is personal and shouldn't be talked about. Porn shouldn't be talked about. That's the logic flow. Does that make it right? Nope. Again, this is to explain many guy's thoughts on porn and why we lie about it.
Lies about porn have become second nature to most men. We've been hiding dirty magazines and videos since we were teenagers. While a lie is a lie, this is a lie that's been ingrained in us. Just because we can lie about porn doesn't mean we're good at lying about other stuff too. I'm an open book to my close friends. I don't lie well at all. Still, I cover my porn use quite well. Why? I've been practicing for 15 years. Hell, I live alone and am single, but my porn still resides in a box burried in the closet... Learned behavior.
What should you do?
That's up to you. I do believe that if you can't come to grips with porn, you have a lot of dissappointment ahead of you in relationships. The last stat I saw on the topic said that aproximately 70% of men use porn regularly. That number will just grow as accessability gets easier and easier. You never have to accept anything you don't want to, that's true, but sometimes it is worth considering which battles you really want to fight.
Another good reference thread can be found here:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): I'm completely 100% with you on this one. You need to come forth and tell him how your feeling and that it's very disrespectful for him to be lying about something that hurts you in such a way. The cause of him lying is most likely because it's embarrassing to him. Just tell him that a relationship cannot survive without communication and trust that you understand he has his needs and to come out with anything he might be hiding. After that see if things improve, but beware as some guys will be even more careful to hide it.
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