A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am not sure if I did the right thing. For the past year I have been in a very emotional love triangle. To make the story short, I had been dating this guy for almost 4 years when we decided to break up because of the different paths we were leading while in college (Brian). I loved him very much and still care about him a lot. But while we were broken up, I started to become involved with his best friend, (Erik),(not on purpose, it sort of just happened). We had been friends for years, and even though I've always been very attracted to him, I never thought of taking it to another level. But when it happened, I did not regret it. It actually felt like it had been something I had wanted for a long time. We did not tell anyone because I knew he didn't want to ruin his friendship with my ex. But Erik is in the army, and we knew he would be deploying in February. So for almost 6 months up until he deployed we had somewhat of an "affair." We hung out all the time, snuck around, and were pretty much together anytime we had the opportunity. When he deployed I almost felt like my heart was broken. Since he's been gone we've written countless emails and letters, and he's called whenever he's had a chance. However, he's never made an effort to show any type of committment and any time I ever tried to hint on the subject, he's said that we can't because of Brian. This aggrivated me because if Brian really knew what was going on he wouldn't be his friend anyway. Well, recently Brian has come back into my life. He helped me move into my new apartment and it sort of went from there to movies and restuarants. He has told me how much he loves me and how he wants us to be together, and apart of me still really does love him. Brian has held onto me the past year and not loved anyone else, and I felt like he deserved to know the truth if there was any hope for us to ever be together again, or at least for me to know what I wanted. So I made the decision to tell him. He was obviously so angry and hurt. He wrote to Erik and told him they were never friends and basically how much he hated him. And even though Brian was extremely mad at me, he has told me that over time, maybe we can work it out. Erik has since wrote me and apologized for everything and told me that I should just move on and forget about him. I am hurt and upset because I never wanted to come between them and I definitely never wanted it to end like this, but I knew if would all happen eventually. Erik is trying to be respectful and let me go, but I don't want him to. He no longer writes or calls, and has told me he doesn't think it is a good idea if he see's me on his leave in a few weeks which is what we've both been waiting on all year! Should I just forget about him since he is so willing to just give up on everything, or should I respect that he is trying to point me back to Brian and try and work things out with him? I am so confused because I feel so in love with both guys. Is that possible? Any advice would be greatly appriciated. (I know what I did was wrong so please no critisism).
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male
reader, Perspicacious  +, writes (6 September 2009):
Throughout the time you were having a relationship Erik wasn't willing to "go public" about it. At best, this shows he valued his friendship with Brian higher than his relationship with you, at worst it suggests he was never that serious about you anyway. The fact that he has now let you go so easily does suggest it was more the worse case scenario.
As for Brian, only you know how you feel about him. The fact you were willing to go off with his best friend does suggest that actually you don't feel that much - but the human heart is strange at times and can lead us into making terrible mistakes.
Is it possible to love two people? I suspect it is. But clearly you need to make a decision about what it is that you want, and if you are going to try and make things work with Brian he deserves to know that you are 100% committed to him.
Therefore, I suggest you need to take some time decide, otherwise you risk just hurting him (and yourself) more than you already have done so.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2009): Complicated situation here. I think you should really respect Erik on his decision because it wasn't only made for you but also because his relationship with his friend ended because of this. I know what your thinking," The friendship is over already so what is the point in him backing off". Well, it could be because he knows what he did to Brian was wrong and his love for you reminds him of that. Loving you is hurting him so he let you go not to hurt you but to do what is best. Try to make it right with Brian because if you don't, you told him the truth for nothing and all this pain was in vain. Good Luck.
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