A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:hi i'm 43 and was married for around 20 years. i separated from my husband 3 years ago but cant seem to move on.. i thought i had accepted his relationship with his cousin but i find i get really upset when we are getting on and just talking and he drops into the conversation something about her, like she's staying with him tomorrow night.. just in case i popped round to see my kids there!!!i feel really alone. i've been used by men since i've been single and now just want to be alone.. but at times its really hard.. to the point where i dont want to carry on. i've had depression for 20 years since my daughter's birth. my ex tells me he cares about me and has said how can he love someone else when he still loves me! i feel i'm taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back all the time. but after 3 years shouldnt i be over him and moving on?? instead i feel like its the end for me.thanks
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (16 March 2010):
 I am not surprised your hurting!!!
It's really really painful to see someone you love with someone else...in fact it's torture and makes it so difficult for you to switch off.
If you have children with someone and you break up (as has happened to you) it's impossible to make a clean break as you need to maintain contact for the childs sake, but your children seem to be older so it is possible to break away from your ex completely. YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW ABOUT HIM. Your not moving on because your ex is giving you 'updates' about when he is seeing his new partner and also telling you he loves you both???...I mean WTF!!! how confusing and destroying for you!!!...you must feel absolutely in a drain, but can you not just stay in touch with your kids and cut him out of the equation entirely?
It's almost as if he's saying ' I just can't help myself, I love two women...meh!!! how am I doing that?... I don't know'
What he is actually doing is what millions of people who are playing the field do...He is hedging his bets. Getting his kicks with someone else but keeping you on the emotional hook so he can reel you back in if things don't work out with her. It's absolutely not acceptable...it's messing with peoples emotions. He knows your not strong and he knows your pining for him, so he can keep you waiting forever. As long as he keeps passing the odd comment about love, the merest hint of 'hope'...he pretty much has you prisoner.
I have been in this position...landlocked by emotional blackmail because I actually really truly loved someone. It doesnt matter that you were together for 20 years or five minutes...to him the game is the same. On one hand he has a lovely new relationship which brings excitement, makes him feel wanted, loved and adored and on the other he has you to be a good mother to his kid(s) and a sure bet to go back to if things dont work out...and he may very well return, but for how long until someone else catches his eye?
Your living life through false hope and manipulation. Your still married to him and perhaps you should start getting tough and thinking about your own future and taking control. He is committing adultery in the eyes of the law and you most likely will get most of the assets from the marriage because you have been abandoned.(You haven't stated why you split)
You may not think you have much of a life but in fact you do. You have all the magic and mystery, hopes and dreams that a clean start brings. You are just putting off the inevitable because your allowing him to have control over your life and waiting in the wings feeling more and more depressed and unloved. Your allowing it to happen!
You need to deal with your postnatal depression by getting some help, you need to focus on yourself, your thoughts and feelings and you need to talk them out and devise a daily plan for coping. I am sure other people have told you this.
Sometimes when we are submerged in depressive thoughts, we need to focus on small personal goals that get us through the day. Even just getting the washing done or going for a walk distracts us from negativity. Little by little you can re connect with the person inside you and begin to feel good about yourself again. You were born an individual into this life and you will leave so. You CANNOT allow another person to keep you on a string.
For whatever reason he has walked away and began a new relationship. He is entitled to his life but NOT to yours...that belongs to you and it's your responsibility to take control and make a new life for yourself.
It's hard, it's tough and it will take every ounce of strength you have but I guarantee if you begin living for yourself you can build on small victories and seriously make your life a more fulfilling and happy one.
Hugs for you
Aunty Em xxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2010): You would think so my dear, but it's not that easy. Especially if a part of you still loves him, or upset at why the two of you broke up. Something that you might question is why would it work for the two of you when 20 years of marriage did not? Please try to move on...this man is not worth your love, not when after so many years of marriage...It may take a lot longer then you want it to be someday it will ease to hurt.
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