A
male
age
51-59,
*atP
writes:I found out my wife was having an affair at the early stages by accident.That was 3 weeks ago. I was shocked and heartbroken - my world collapsed, partly due to the fact that she told me that she did not feel anything for me anymore after I found out. Well as the song goes "I cried me a river"; I felt like everything was spinning (short of breadth like a panic attack; it is a really bad feeling... I feel for all you people who are experiencing the same out there...)After a 1 week separation, I came back feeling stronger after support from my family.She had removed her wedding ring. She said she hated hurting me and could see my pain, but couldn't change it.Since then I have tried to understand why she did this, and I do take the blame for my part in this. She says that I have been a loving, wonderful husband. I still am.... I have only ever supported her and given her freedom (this is not bias; I really have been a totally top guy). But although we gave each other lots of love, we never really had a fantastic sex life. Throughout our relationship we had long phases of having sex quite rarely (once per month max). This was partly my fault for simply not making the effort to seduce her; taking her for granted although she is a sexy woman.There are other factors that caused her to stop respecting me, she says (I was temporary unemployed, at home, and ill with back problems).Well the sex life is the first thing I have changed. Now we are having a fantastic time in bed - like never before. I have left aside all my inhibitions. That is kind of a weird reaction to her affair and I am surprised by myself.Also, on the positive side, my month long fight to get back in good physical shape is paying off. I am back in good health, and I have just got a new highly paid job (we both earn well, though her career is better than mine due to me having always given up my previous jobs to follow her). So I am not such a loser like 3 months ago.Now, after another 2 weeks she says she has rediscovered the love that she had for me; not deep love, but some sort of love again. She says her intention is to come back to me, but... she can't do it so easily. She says she feels torn in two pieces; she is totally in-love with this other guy (that new love, butterflies, can't bear to be without him feeling). The other guy is married and has children, which means it will be hard for her to make that side work.She is away (flying here and there) all the time during the week with her work and refuses to talk about what is happening when she is away. I am left only with my imagination; deep insecurity; still a broken heart; but still hope. I know I can't force her to come back because this is the incorrect basis to start again with her. I have tried pleading with her. But she will not stop, not yet. She says that would destroy her. She says her strategy is to give our relationship time to grow again so that her feelings for this other guy can diminish.In the cold light of day, people tell me I could easily find a new girl some time; but hey, I have a wonderful woman that I love that I have shared 12 years of my life with. I don't want to throw that all away to start again all over again! Even my wife tells me that I should go and pick-up some woman myself and have a fling because this would make her feel less guilty and not so bad about hurting me!!! How messy and insidious this has all become, mutated from the pure thing I believed-in before!!!So my question is, can I really trust her that she will move away from this affair? If it’s working well, she might just continue like this for months! How can I cope in the meantime, waiting? Of course I am insecure. What should I do?Many thanks for your advise / opinions.
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affair, heartbroken, insecure, sex life, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Charlie*  +, writes (18 March 2010):
 Dear MatP,
I'm a female (40) listern to your six sense! I cought my ex 8 times. If she cheated once she will do it again! How low is her morals, values and standerds to fall for a married man and while she is married too?? She should have gone to u and discussed her problem together and stick with on eanother in good and bad times. I had a back fusion 2 years ago and my hubby stood by me for 3 months for me to recover. Will she stay with you if you loose your legs in a car crash or will she run into another mans arms again. Cant tell you what to do but from experience from my 1st husband....move on, they never never change!!
A
male
reader, MatP +, writes (16 March 2010):
MatP is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses. This is a big help – to talk.
For those of you who suggested spying on her, I am afraid this is hard to do because she is not even in the same country most of the time. I have no access to her phone or mails. I can call her, but hey, she will just turn the phone off when she does not want to be reached. I simply can’t control her; she has to make-up her own mind to stop. Yes she does encounter this guy through work; perhaps once per week, perhaps more and they even work together remotely on the same projects. However this may change soon due to a promotion. One more thing; because of my new job and her new post we will definitely be living apart Monday to Friday anyway in different countries at least for the next 7 months. It does not look good!
All I can do is concentrate on building my life and concentrating on me because I will have to survive a lot of the time on my own. Of course this feels really hard at the moment but I know I can do it. And hey, I will meet new people through my new job, I will be living in a new city during the week and will try to enjoy it.
For those of you who say, drop her…. well of course, it could come to this; but don’t forgot I really love her and I believe she still has a big place in her heart for me. You don’t just say goodbye to 12 years of relationship without losing a big part of yourself (that web of friends, family, all those shared times and experiences). I find it hard to get mad with her now because I really do still care for her. I feel massively hurt but I can’t hate her for it. I told her she is free to go if she wants and I will say goodbye and wish her the best. But she does not want that either! I told her she will not destroy my love for her, but possibly our future and our marriage. Her view is that she has a right to be happy and we all only have only one shot at life; can she be happy with me (albeit the slightly improved version) and love me deeply like before? She tells me that she is scared of losing me. On the other hand she wants to fly in her freedom… freedom vrs. security… old love vrs. new love… perhaps building family vrs. childless existence… She really is torn apart in so many aspects; she says she suffers badly. And I look at her opened mouthed and don’t know what to do or say. She can stop it by making a decision I say! She says that is far too simplistic a view for her.
So for those of you who say, give her an ultimatum; well naturally I will want a commitment soon which includes breaking off emotional bonds with this guy. Breaking-off all contact will be difficult without sacrificing her career path, which she will not do. But if I force this issue too soon, she says this is removing the pureness of her decision, forcing her back in the cage!
So yea, of course I am going to give her a chance, provided that I see her working too. In the end I will not regret it even if it turns out to be the bad choice for me, because I will look back and say, hey I did everything I could to save that marriage. Only time will tell if I can trust her again; maybe the odds are against it. But hey, this forum is full of scarred people. This is part of life and love, and, I am now not stupid enough to believe that it can’t happen again with the next girl, or, that even that in a different situation I would be the one doing the hurting. Of course I have taken our marriage vows seriously and I believed it would never happen to us; now I am massively disappointed. Still life goes on and we have to expose ourselves to being hurt in order to live it. If you kept massive barriers-up all the time to prevent getting hurt then you would not really be living properly, but having the boring, sad life of a robot.
Again thanks a lot. I will keep you posted in the next few weeks about what happens!
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (16 March 2010):
 She may decide to give up that man but will she become a serial cheater or will she get back again with that man sometime in the future?
Those are the unknowns in this relationship.
You may get her back for sometime but if nothing changes and the same situation prevails, she will be tempted to cheat again.
You only delay the inevitable .
If you think , her heart is no more in this marriage, it is better to let her go.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl +, writes (16 March 2010):
 Hun,
She is having an affair with a married man, who will probably never leave his wife [regardless of what he says]. So he will probably keep stringing her along until she wises up to his lies.
You on the otherhand, need to give her an ultimatum and some time to come to a decision.
Please remember that if she does come back to you, the trust in the relationship has been broken and probably will never mend - you will always be wondering when she is away if she is being faithful....
Honeygirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2010): She stopped respecting you because you were temporarily unemployed, at home, ill with back problems?
I wouldn't think much of her after that. It sounds like her respect for you is a pretty fair-weather thing at the core.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2010): I know exactly how your wife feels and where she is coming from because I recently had and affair this December. When I told my husband about it I didn't feel anything for him and I was in love with the other man. When he asked me why I gave him a list of things he needed to work on in our marriage. And he responded the same way you did. I will tell you now that didn't work at all. (Don't worry we didn't get a divorce and I love him very much now).
What you need to do will hurt your wife and be very hard on her, but quite frankly she deserves it. You need to check up on everything thing she does whether she wants you to or not. I mean, read her emails and text messages, check her phone calls, ect... Of course as time goes on you'll stop checking everything but at first you need to. Don't let her have any contact with him at all, and I mean at all. You are her husband, not him, she signed a contract and made a verbal promise to be loyal to you. This will be very hard for her and she will probably tell you that you are being to harsh and over reacting, but your not. This will also let her know that you actually do care. What your doing now is telling her that it doesn't bug you that she's with another man. You've told her that it hurts you, and logically she knows that it hurts you, but she can't see that you care.
I would also suggest that you take her to marriage counseling and buy the book, "His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage" by Dr. Harley, this is a christian book but even if your not christian it's still very useful. The first few weeks or so will be very difficult for both of you but it will pay off big time in the end. Make sure she knows shes loved and feels loved, if you don't know her love language look it up online and show her that you love her in the way that she will understand best. But remember, you are the man in this relationship, don't be afraid to be the boss. She is not aloud to hurt you like that and there is no excuse no matter how badly she thinks you have treated her.
I hope this works out for you both, people do get through this and are happy. I love my husband very much and I don't want anyone but him. It was a painful process for both of us but it was more than worth it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2010): i agree with laura on this one. give her some time and then ask her to make a choice. you cant be expected to share her. its her choice really, you cant make it for her. mal
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (16 March 2010):
You cannot be expected to hold on indefinitely because you will only lose in the end.
You need to give her a time period to tie up those ends. It is either you or him . Give her some time to decide. If she cannot , you must decide your own destiny.
You may love her and gives all your best,but if her heart is not there for you , you should accept that it is over for you two.
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A
male
reader, alex74  +, writes (16 March 2010):
 Wait for her to decide if she can "give up" this new guy she's spreading her legs for? Screw her if she needs convincing. She's the one who cheated. She should be kissing your furry beanbag and begging for forgiveness. Move on. Ther are Lots of women out there looking for a decent man.
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A
female
reader, Realitycheck  +, writes (16 March 2010):
 She may be able to distance herself from this guy and put herself back into her marriage, but that is only if she is making an effort to cut all ties with this other guy. I certainly hope he does not work with her, and is traveling with her on these business trips because the thing may drag on for much longer if so. You will not be able to trust her for a very long time, but if she is sincere, and this is an isolated thing she experimented with because there were things lacking in her marriage, you may be able to rebuild your trust given enough time and proof that she means business. Only time will tell. Keep your eyes and ears open and be diligent with your love and your guard.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (16 March 2010):
 Nothing happens by accident. Married couples can't go through the good without the bad. It sounds like she failed her duty to love you and cherish you.
She's taking advantage of you. She feels her affair was justified. Striving to be a better man is a good thing, but I think you will be a much happier person if you don't have to compete with your wife's abilities, and your wife's attention from other men. I am the kind of woman who like to look up to my men. Right now you seem determined to win her back. All you could do is passive waiting and keep doing your best.
If I were you I would get a divorce.
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