A
male
age
30-35,
*asp
writes:3way relationship advice. I'm in a relationship with a bi sexual girl right now, we've discussed the idea and both have agreed its something we would like. Not just 3 way sex but a real relationship. I have a big heart and a lot to give in ways of emotion and sexual desire it would be a dream come true and I believe can work to our advantage. I have an ex that I still have very strong feelings for and in the past they both admitted to being attracted to each other and the ex wants to try the 3 way. Needless to say when the topic was mentioned to my girlfriend it did not go over well. I expressed the need to move slow with it and that the two of them should start with each other and form a relationship together before bringing me in. still sticky...any advice? Other than time and not to push the idea? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): You made a whole lot of assumptions, no wonder that your girlfriend is upset.1. That your relationship isn't exclusive (it usually is exclusive).2. That she will share her sexual partners (lots of bi women are repulsed by that thought).3. That you get to choose her female partner (that's pretty arrogant).4. That she wants a domestic relationship with her partners (lots of bi women don't, lots do, it depends on the individual).5. That she wants you or her to have anything to do your ex, let alone have sex with her.Your girlfriend could have considered her bisexuality and decided that you are better than any man or any women that she could have a relationship with and that she would be happy to be exclusive with you for the rest of her life. In which case you've rather slapped her in the face.Talk with her instead. About your future together, About the sort of life *she* sees for the two of you in the years ahead. Her plans don't include your ex -- if they had, she would have mentioned that to you well before now.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): Chances are this will end in nothing but hurt and betrayal. The chances of this actually working out are slim to none. Sure, it'll be fun for you while it lasts, but chances are you will lose both of them. If you still want to go for this 3 way thing, then i suggest trying it out with someone who is not emotionally involved with either one of you. It evens the playing field and would be fun for all, not just you. Bringing the ex, or anyone else who is emotionally attached to either of you, will lead to nothing but jealousy and hurt feelings. No matter how much someone thinks that they can handle it, when it comes down to the wire, a relationship is a relationship because you care about that person more than you do anyone else in that way. Those emotions can not be shared evenly. I'm not saying don't do it. I'm just saying be aware that chances are in the favor of it ending in ruins.
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (17 February 2011):
 My advice is to can this pipe dream immediately. It hasn’t even happened and you’ve already hit bumps in the road. You said, “I have a big heart and a lot to give in ways of emotion and sexual desire it would be a dream come true and I believe can work to our advantage.”
First, who does this really advantage? Seriously, think about it. You are the only person who would benefit from this type of relationship. You have feelings for both women… they don’t have any feelings for one another.
Second, you may “have a big heart and a lot to give in ways of emotion and sexual desire”, but the fact of the matter is, you can’t offer this to both women at the same time. What happens when you and one woman want to have some private time alone? Is the other woman supposed to accept this and run off to another room and twiddle her thumbs while she’s waiting for her turn? This type of relationship rarely works out in the long run.
As for your ex… was she willing to share you on a full-time basis when you dated her previously? I somehow doubt that. She may be entertaining the idea in hopes of winning you back, but I doubt she or your current girlfriend will put up with this for long.
If you’re still pining for your ex, you need to think about which girl you want to be with. If you push them into this situation, you may very well end up alone in the end. Eventually, one woman will not be happy, and will go find herself a man that can give her 100% of his love.
I’m not trying to be mean. I’m just trying to be realistic. Most women do not want to share their man, so it’s unfair of you to push this on them. I do look forward to your updates, so please let us know what you decide to do. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (16 February 2011):
 The issue with bringing in an ex into a triad (relationship structure of 3 people) is that the issues that broke the two of you up are likely still there. Now the issue is that what broke the two of you up in the past can, and likely will also cause a rift with you and your current gf.
Second, because of the past history, there will be issues such as who is the primary (it SHOULD be your current gf, but because of the history with your ex, can all three of you manage the emotions that would motivate you to think of your ex as the primary?)
In my opinion, you are better of with your current gf finding someone new that neither of you dating in the past.
Triads are very challenging in that no matter how much you try to make it "fair" in terms of your attention, there will always be one person that becomes the primary.
You esp need to think about things like future living plans (you may have to move to a more rural area as your neighbours might not accept your lifestyle). You also need to think in terms of having children and how that is going to change the dynamic.
-Frank Kermit
Author, Alternative Relationship Choices
http://www.franktalks.com/relationships
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): Look just because your girlfriend is bisexual doesn't mean thy she wants a girlfriend and boyfriend at the same time. You are kind of forcing your own sick fantasy on her with your ex of all people! No wonder she's mad, exes should be left in the past.
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