A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I'm in the midst of a troubled relationship. I've been with my partner a year and a half on and off. I moved 2 hours away to live with her and now things are rough as we fight a lot, I'm in the middle of nowhere away from my friends and family. She isn't the person I fell in love with and suffers from depression and OCD. If things don't go her way, she gets emotionally abusive.We had a fight the other day and I told her I wanted to break up and move out. Initially she said okay but then the next day starts crying and wanted me to stay and said she would go to therapy. This is the third time our relationship has been back and forth and I'm getting sick of it.Within the past few days she has made more of an effort to try harder and do things with me but I don't know if she will genuinely change.I have a job down here now too and I feel like it's hard for me to just walk away. Need some advice.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2017): You're seeking advice, but will you take it?
You're in a bad situation and things will only escalate to violence, or worse. I assume they already have.
You don't have to leave your job, leave your partner. A lot of posts come to DC from unhappy people undergoing difficult and abusive relationships with people suffering mental disorders. Guilt or pity isn't a reason to remain victim to someone's abuse or remain in incompatible relationships.
If they threaten to harm themselves, then they're too sick to stay with for sure. You simply alert their family members, their therapist, the police, and you move on.
Their illness is no excuse for their abuse. If she is seriously ill, and all you do is fight; then you shouldn't be there. She should be under treatment and all her time should be devoted to healing and managing her illness. Not hurting and fighting with someone who only wants to love her.
What forces you to stay? How can you stand this constant drama?
Move out, get your own place as far from her as possible. If she is the type that will harass or stalk you, get a restraining order. If you cut this loose now, you can move on with your life. Love is strained and suffers under these conditions; so don't blame love for your reason for staying.
Reconnect with your family and friends for their support. They will give you the strength you need to build the courage to leave.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (3 February 2017):
 If you are not happy, and your partner does not keep her promise to get help (it doesn't sound like she can change without professional help), then you need to consider how much longer you want to spend in this situation. For every day you are not happy, you are losing a day of potential happiness. Do you still want to be in this situation a month, a year, 5 years down the line?
If you enjoy your current job, why not simply end your relationship, get a place of your own and stay where you are, at least for the time being? You can then assess if you want to stay there longer term or if you want to move back to where you came from. If the latter, then you have time to find a job and accommodation before moving back.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 February 2017):
 Stick to your "ultimatum".
She probably hasn't changed, but she is either TRYING to or TRYING to convince you (at least for a little while) that she is.
The thing is with OCD there are no fixes, and certainly NO quick fixes either. A person with OCD will ALWAYS have it, Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help give the person with OCD tools to deal with the issues, but they NEVER totally go away. Some just get better at controlling THEM rather than bein controlled BY them.
And depression? Again, no easy fix.
SO you need to decide how long you are willing to give her and if she doesn't seek help, you need to stick to what you said and move out and move on.
Or accept that THIS is who she is.
My advice? Don't settle for dating someone you "think" can BE a great person. You can't DATE her for her potential (as Auntie SVC would tell you). You have to see her AS the person she is with you, abusive behavior and all. And if that is NOT something you WANT in a relationship (who would, really?) then exit and move on.
Yes, walking away is NOT easy but what is the alternative? To stay and be abused emotionally when she doesn't get her way? To live with someone who manipulates you to get what SHE wants?
I'd rather be single than that!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (3 February 2017):
 This relationship sounds toxic and I don't think you should stay, but the only way she may change and your relationship may improve is if you *both* go to therapy, her alone and you both together (couples' counselling).
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