A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hiya me and my boyfriend are both 30 we've been together for 4 years we have a 1 yr old daughter together the problem is ever since we got together we don't do anything together I've talked to him about it and we planned a date night once a month but it's only happened once that was about 6 months ago we planned it weekends he is always busy and if he has to go somewhere rather than ask me the first thing he does is ask him mate I feel like he's not putting any effort in to spend any time with me we live together he comes home from work at 5 has tea and goes on his computer I've tried talking to him but he doesn't listen what do I do thank you Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (3 February 2017):
This guy isn't your boyfriend. He's a roommate who uses you for sex, messed up and got you pregnant. I feel for you because now you are tied to a man who has no real interest in you. I hope he is at least a good father.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2017): If we only went by your post, it would be easy to speculate that your boyfriend is only there because of your child together.
If he doesn't feel the need or desire to spend time with you, or take you out, maybe it is because he just doesn't want to. He feels just staying with you and supporting his kid ought to be enough.
You've tried talking to him about it. You can't force feelings out of someone for you, if they aren't there. You'll probably have to accept this to be the case. Otherwise; why would he prefer time with a mate instead of his woman? I'd say, only because he isn't happy to be in the relationship and he's emotionally-unavailable. Why should you have to plead for him to be good to you? If he loved you, it would flow to you freely and effortlessly.
This is a matter that requires you to sit down with your mate to determine why he's still with you?
Control your emotions and put on your big-girl panties; because this is an adult-conversation, and tears or emotionalizing are useless. You and your child are the priorities in your life; if he doesn't willingly place himself within the family-unit. So you must reach some conclusion on where this relationship is going.
So far, there has been no offer of marriage. Perhaps he stays because it is cheaper living with you; than having his own place, and paying child-support. He gets to see his child everyday; without legal-restrictions under child-custody orders for scheduled-visitations.
Ask him if he really wants to be with you. Be woman enough to ask and hear the answer. I think you need to. If he says he does, then ask him to fully explain why he doesn't want to take you anywhere, seems so distant, and ignores you when you try to tell him how you feel? Quietly and without interruption, listen to his answers. This is a discussion, not an argument, or a drama scene. Be calm. Be courageous.
Be strong. He can still co-parent. He just may not wish to be your mate.
If he doesn't want to have this important discussion; contact child-support authorities to begin the process.
You will have to ask him to leave. He is not there for you, he is only there for the child. Accept the facts, and move on to find your happiness. It will not be easy to do emotionally; but you can't force someone to love you, if they don't. As a sad song says.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (3 February 2017):
 Sounds like he likes to have his home comforts - and his family - while living the single life. As I see it, you have two options: take the reins and DEMAND to be treated the way you deserve, or call time on the relationship and walk away.Men are notoriously slack at understanding non-specific wishes (e.g. we need to go out more together, you need to help me more). A lot easier for them to follow is "the first Friday of every month is our date night so don't make any other plans" or "I need you to bath your daughter on Monday and Friday nights and read her a story at bedtime". Try sorting out a timetable YOU will be happy with and present it to your boyfriend. Tell him this is what you NEED to keep your relationship going. If he makes no attempt to compromise in this way, then you have your answer and need to start making plans for yourself and your daughter's future which don't include him. (Do, however, make sure he can have contact with his daughter after you leave. She will still need her daddy.)
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (3 February 2017):
 What is in this relationship for you and your daughter? Consider your options ... does your 1 year old have an engaged Dad who shares her care, baths her, reads to her, puts her to bed, takes her for a walk or to visit his mother her granny?
Do you have an engaged partner who shares the household decisions, do you discuss your daughter's development, do you sit down together to eat, or go shopping together, does your partner know what you and the child do during the day, and are you kept in the loop as far his work goes? Do you feel nurtured and loved?
If you answer more noes than you do yeses then you need to consider if you are better off as a single mum than as a piece of furniture.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (3 February 2017):
 I think this is an issue that should have been dealt with prior to having a baby with him, as babies consume time and energy, along with money - plus you're stuck for life with a man you've made no legal commitment to and you're struggling to be happy with him.
Sit down with him and *tell* him what you need. Ask him what he needs too. Write it down and find ways to make both of you happier. Explain to him that you can't stay in a relationship where you don't spend quality time together.
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