A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Myself and my sister have started talking after 10 years no contact. I'm 29 now and she is 34. We're both very happy in our lives and we have been getting on great. When I was 16 my mum had left me homeless and moved to a different country. I've never really trusted my mother but I didn't really have anyone else as she turned the whole family against me. Now me and my sister are talking we have talked about the past and realised that my mother had been spreading disgusting lies about me and that's why my sister had kept the no contact going so long. I feel so cheated. She broke her wrist and I brought up the subject because I still felt guilty. I asked to borrow five pounds and it was icey outside. I told my mum to meet me just outside her house but not to bring my dog who she was watching incase he pulled her over. She did and he pulled her over and she broke her wrist. I was crying and I felt so terrible. I took her upstairs and called an ambulance and went with her to the hospital. My sister was shocked and told me that my mums version of events was very different. She called my sister in the early hours of the morning screaming that I had marched her to a cash machine and demanded she give me all her money! So in other words that I robbed her! She then said she slipped and I left her in the street and she had to call an ambulance. I feel so disgusted I missed out on so many years because she continuously told lies like these. My sister at the time wanted to find me and beat me up and told my mum to call the police and have me arrested. My mum told her she had been to the police which couldn't have been true because I heard nothing. The lies she has told (and this is one of many) could have got me in serious trouble. My sister now realises my mum is a narcissist. We have told each other things only mum knew but we had different versions of the same story. She made everyone hate me and made me look like a monster. We're both scared of her now and don't know what to do. I'm getting married later this year and I wonder how I could invite her. If we hadn't started speaking I would never know these things and my mum always acted fine to my face. Now I find out she constantly tells people I'm abusive towards her, that we both bully her, that I steal from her. I feel so hurt and betrayed but my mum doesn't know that we know all the things she has said and done. If she did who knows what she could do or say. I don't want to have her around when I have children. She is sick and twisted. What should we do? She will probably never admit it and call us liars.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 February 2017):
 I think you should cut ties with your mother if she is truly this evil. Why would you want her in your life? It is nice to hear that you and your sister have both made up. Are you going to invite your sister to the wedding? If it was me I would want to know why my mother had made up so many lies so I probably would talk to her and ask her. That is your choice off course.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2017): If you and your sister have worked things out between you, feel comfortable in inviting only your sister to your wedding. It makes no sense to invite your mother if you're both on bad terms. You're not obligated to invite guests to your wedding you're having issues or any disagreements with.
Why would she want to come to the wedding of a daughter she claims has done her bodily-harm, or has stolen from her? She allegedly spread malicious lies all over the place, as you tell it; so I guess everyone would understand why she would be absent.
It seems your mother is a compulsive or pathological liar, and perhaps she suffers from mental-illness. Narcissism may also be the case as well. If she is mentally-ill, she may not be fully aware of the trouble she causes; because she believes her own lies. If she isn't seeking therapy, or no one has intervened to encourage her to seek help; she will continue to do what she does. Good reason to keep a safe distance from her. Not to abandon her altogether. She gave you both life.
The biggest question here is, why? Why does she lie on you in particular?
She's your mother, so it's unlikely you can pretend she doesn't exist. Why is everyone so inclined to believe everything she says, never giving you the benefit of the doubt? Don't your family members know you? Why would they be so quick to think the worst of a 16 year-old girl; and believe she would do her mother physical-harm, or rob her?
It would seem out of character if they know you to be a sweet and loving individual.
Your sister turned against you for ten years without even once hearing your side? I'd say she didn't like you much to begin with. You're both quite stubborn and unforgiving.
It would seem there was all around dysfunction in the family and no one trusts anyone. Your sister would quickly believe you would hurt your mother, and that in itself seems odd.
The fact is, you have now mended your misgivings; so you have the rest of your lives to build a stronger bond between you.
You should both pay your mother a visit and let her know that you both are now aware of the lying; and suggest she get professional help. Inform her that she will not be granted access to your wedding, or your future children. Not until she seeks professional-help, stops with the lying, and decides to be a good mother. Otherwise, don't expect to hear or see much of either of you.
This should be done either in-person, or you both could send her a heartfelt letter. Expressing your own feelings about all this. You should still remain respectful. You can all go to your graves full of hate and resentment; but it serves no real purpose. If she dies first, you'll be left with guilt and regret. Trust me on that.
Not speaking makes no sense. How are lies undone when no one is talking? If people really love each other, there is forgiveness and trust. You allow everyone the opportunity to tell their side, and you gather the facts before accepting terrible things said about someone. Ten years is a long time to be angry with your own flesh and blood, and it seems your mother isn't the only one with a big problem.
Sometimes people need to lose something valuable before they realize what they had. Then they deserve the labor and difficulty it takes to gain it back. If it's possible to gain it back. Sometimes you lose people forever and you never get that chance.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (3 February 2017):
 Sending HUGS as this is obviously very painful for you.
I had a similar situation with my mother when I was young in that she firmly believed in a "divide and conquer" policy. If my brother (my other sibling) and I were getting on well, she would tell one or both of us lies about what the other had said so that we would fall out. She always felt, if we were getting on well, we were "plotting" against her. As a result, we spent many years at each other's throats and it was only after mum died that we really talked and thus discovered what had been going on all those years.
Who knows why your mother feels the need to vilify you constantly. Perhaps it is attention or sympathy seeking, perhaps something deeper. You feel certain that, if confronted, she will simply go into denial, hence there is probably little, if anything, to be gained by this course of action.
In your shoes, I would stay well away from her until such time as she sorts her head out and acknowledges what she did to you and apologises. As this sounds unlikely to happen, you may have to reconcile yourself to not having contact with your mother. Will this hurt you more than confronting her and getting zero satisfaction? Only you can decide. I can certainly understand your reluctance to allow her near your family. Protecting them from what you had to endure makes perfect sense.
As for your wedding, I cannot think of one good reason to invite your mother. If she is still into creating drama to get attention and sympathy, who knows what lies she could tell on such a day. You will have your sister there as family, who will be supportive. I hope you have a lovely day.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (3 February 2017):
 Your question is quite muddled. Is it your sister or mother you want to invite?
If it's your sister, just ask her to keep it between the two of you, but that you'd like her to attend.
If you're considering inviting your mother, don't. Steer clear of her and do not initiate contact. Block her out of your life and keep your sister in it, if she's willing to keep your relationship private and not talk to your mother about you. Don't blindly trust your sister, though.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 February 2017):
 Why have her at your wedding if you decide to cut her off? I mean that is a day where you want the LEAST kind of negativity and drama after all.
And honestly? cutting her off is UP to you. You can't change her, you can't run around and try and prove to everyone that she lied, you got lucky with your sister and thank goodness for that. Maybe over time, others will realize what your mother is and how she treats you behind your back.
Personally? I would cut her off. From this day forth. There is no way I would want her to influence my spouse, my kids, HECK my cat or dog! I'd "make" her "dead" to me. Block, delete.. whatever it takes to CUT contact 100%. If she still tries I'd tell her why, but I would make it short and NOT get into long explanations because you know she will NOT accept responsibility or own her own lies. Just say, I feel you are a very negative influence in my life and it seems even more negative due to all the lies you have spread about me, I'm done. Or say nothing at all.
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