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female
,
*smahne
writes: My husband wants sex all the time. The problem is I don't. I love him deeply and am frustrated I don't feel sexual. I've tried explaining this to him but all he says is if you love someone you will do whatever it takes to make them happy. He has also threated to have someone else take care of it if I don't want to. I am so unhappy at this point and hurt that if I don't make the move on him when he thinks I should he gets very hurtful and distance. All he thinks about is sex. We have sex about 3 times a week and he thinks that's not enough. I wish I felt sexual and could have an orgasm but I haven't since I had my son 3 yrs ago. What's my problem and what can I do to save my marriage? He can be and for the most part a very wonderful father and husband.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2005): It's kind of strange that you posted this qustion, becuase the same thing is happening to me! im not going out with my partner any more because our relationship went down cus i enver wanted sex and he did! he still tells me what your partner tells you and my advice is to take a break from each other. if you are anything like me then it will make you feel so much better. it seems like you need to do stuff for yourself and have fun before you can start pleasing other people.
dnt rulke out the possibility of a relationship with him cus it may just be a faze but i think you both need some 'me' time for a while.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2005): By your husband being demanding/demeaning towards you will only serve to corrode your self-esteem and this is very self-defeating, selfish behaviour on his part.A good sex life cannot be demanded. Demands and inconsiderate behavior undermine the trust required for sexual intimacy. I'm sure it never occurred to your husband that all he had to do to make you want to have sex with him by taking your feelings seriously...at the expense of his own. The pressure on you is overwhelming and it could destroy the love you have for him, eventually. Your husband is becoming an expert at shifting blame on you, so he's feeling justified. And this is what is so wrong, here. He doesn't recognize what he's saying is so painful and I am questioning his "respect' for you. He's forgetting that marriage is a 'partnership' where both people work together, to resolve problems. Because of his childish behaviours, you are resenting what he's saying to you and it's hard to work up desire when one is full of resentment.
In order to restore your sex drive, you both need to improve your relationship with each other OUTSIDE of the bedroom. Good sex starts with a good emotional connection between two people. It's time to start searching for it and get that back, but he has to do his part, as well. He must get out of the mindset, that this is only 'your' problem, because it's not. You need his patience, support and love to get through this. With greater empathy for each other, you both could reconnect, but it will take time and some good marriage counseling. Hun, sex is supposed to be fun, but sometimes couples forget that, especially with the demands of kids and family life.
Try to seek some marriage counseling together. He needs
to understand this is likely a "dry spell" for you and he needs to take his sensitive male ego, out of this issue and try to work with you, not against you. Perhaps with some gentle TLC on his behalf, some good advice from a counselor, you two can get back on track. Give it a whirl and I wish you the best of luck. Take Care
Hugs,
Irish
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A
female
reader, Delirius +, writes (26 September 2005):
DO NOT LET ANYONE MANIPULATE YOU INTO BED!! Why has no one noticed that this guy should be giving his wife exactly the treatment he is asking for?????!!!!!! If he loves you, he should be respectful of your feelings and perhaps ask if there is anything he can do to make you feel more sexually interested. At what point of your marriage did you stop being best friends, because best friends care about how the other is feeling, and just quietly, how much energy does anyone have left at the end of a long day entertaining Mr 3 Yr Old. I know I am busted by the time I have to get dinner sorted. Your man needs a clip under the ear and to wake up to himself. If he threatens to have someone else take care of his sexual gratification, hand him a jar of petroleum jelly and a Playboy magazine. It might just shock him enough to work out his own problem, because you my love don't have one.
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A
reader, wwww.datinghaven.com +, writes (25 September 2005):
Dont let him use emotional blackmail!
I would say leave, but for the sake of your child(ren)that may not be the best idea for their sake.
I'm, sorry, i aint much of a help, but im sure someone else can be of some help.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2005): See if you can get a referral from your MD to some sexual counselor in your area. And, why have you not told your Pediatrician or OBGYN that you are no longer able to have orgasms? Discuss this with him yesterday. Let him run tests to see if there is a hormone, or other medical explanation. Good sexual relationship are the result of lovers being more interested in pleasuring their lover than themselves. But, no one can make you have an orgasm if you don't want one. Can't is the other side of a very thin dime. Each of us has to teach our lover how to pleasure us, and then help him/her make it happen. Your husband should not be condemned to a life of celebacy simply because you fail to address your problem. That is not what he signed on for. Don't do this to him, or to yourself. A great sex life is the result of lots of good communication, knowledge of sexual techniques, a real effort to satisfy your lover, and some luck. Sex three times a week is not unusual for most married couples, but then, most married people would not describe their sex lives as " great ". Now, if that is three times a day, ......
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