A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HiyaHope you can help me, I just need some advice. I am 31 with no children. I really want children one day. I jave recently met a wonderful guy. He adores me, I love being with him when we get the chance and I feel very happy with him. He messages me all the time telling me what he is doing and takes a real interest in me. He is lovely.However, he has 3 children (one of which he adopted). He is a wonderful father and friends with his ex which I think is good as it makes his children happy. I have told him I want children and he hasn't run a mile.However, my problem is I am terrified of telling my mum . I know I am 31, and my mum is wonderful but she has these "ideals" for me and I know she won't like it that he has children. I usually tell her everything, but I know if I tell her this, it will end up in an argument. My fella doesn't have a lot of money either and my mum will worry whether he would be able to give me what I need. I know that what I tell her she won't listen to it and just judge before meeting him. My fella is quite shy round people, but when he is with me I feel great.I don't know what to do, I have never been in this situation. I don't want to waste my time if he doesn't want kids but he hasn't said he doesn't. He just makes me happy, but our lives are so so different.Thank you very much xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011): Thank you all for your opinions...Today tho a spanner has been thrown in the works, his ex called him in a rage of jealousy about me and is now using his children as a tool - she said he can't see them. He is supposed to be taking them on holiday aswell soon. I feel awful because if I didn't exist, this wouldn't be happening. When I got upset, he came over immediately and said I was the only girlfriend who has ever made him this happy..I do believe him, I just feel bad so told him we need to let things cool down so he can see his kids.Ps - he might not have a lot of money but he does work and his kids stay with him 4 nights a week in which he plays golf, football and goes horseriding with them. When he met my friends, he was nice with them just a little shy.He makes me feel so special and lovely. I have never been treated this well by a guy - last one left when my dad had a heart attack! .Thank you all again xx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): how shallow,forget what your mum thinks.i was always the child my parents had high hopes for,done really well at school and got a good job. then i met my partner who had no job and stayed with his mum. we now live in a council house with our two children,he is the best father i could have hoped for my children. and my dad is very proud of the person i am not what money i have or what ive achieved and i think thats alot more important.this guy sounds a dream.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): He's poor, he's not very sociable, he's got three kids. You know your mum is right, you can do better. I know you enjoy the attention but just look at the facts.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 August 2011):
 The most sensible thing would be, I think, not to put the cart before the horses. First find out for sure how does he feel about having more children - from you. Even if he did not run a mile, it does not mean that he would be positively willing to be a dad again.I guess maybe it's too early in your relationship for being so blunt and coming straight out with a direct question; a question that could backfire and make him bolt , if he is not serious about you . Then again , ... if he is not serious about a future together ( while apparently you are ) at least you would know and you would not waste time on something that could not work.
As for your mom, it's great that you are so close , but , again, maybe it is a bit early for being very detailed and circumstantial about everything. If I got it right, you are just dating, in fact you are getting to know each other, you really have no clear sense of where this relationship is going. Don't be in a hurry. Don't do like those people who tell you everything about the new house they are going to buy, and what curtains they are going to hang and what doormat they are going to choose,... and then they don't even go near to close the deal and the house gets sold to somebody else.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): I have to imagine if it was my daughter breaking this news.. its her life so if she was 31 I would know she could do as she pleased and respect her choices.What I want would be irrelevant, although us parents we always hope for the best for our children.He sounds like a great dad though.My main concern would be if this man wanted more children, really wanted them. Alot of divorced men have been there done that and don't want to go there again and alot have been steralised.The money thing is another but if you were in a home together there would be 2 incomes coming in. However, how much would he be paying out for his children? Still its very early days yet, your only meeting up twice a week and just texting the rest, so why do you feel you need to mention anything at all to your mum just yet? See how it develops first cos it may just end up being a fun fling for him and your mum would have got upset for no reason.
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A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (30 August 2011):
 Tisha's advice is excellent giving you a sample role plsy.
How often do you actually see this man? I hope quite often, not just texting - even if texting "all the time" - that's no substitute for frequent meetings.
Maybe you'd better think about asking him if he wants to have more children - or at least, a child.
Also do you know what his "not having a lot of money" actually means??
If your lives are "so, so different" what seems lovely now might turn out not to be further down the road.
You need to think of these issues and get straight on them before talking to your mother!
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): Thank you for your advice.He was with his ex for 12 years, in which they got together when she was 17, in the last years of them being together, she met someone else and left my fella. As for money, he is living with his parents saving for his own house. He has a job but not very well paid as he was made redundant from his last job. He has a skill and also goes to football training with his sons.Our lives are different tho because his family lives on a council estate. I have never wanted to live on an estate and always wanted to buy my own house. We haven't really talked about the future yet. As for the messaging, we do speak all the time, he just sends me love texts!!. We see each other twice a week, but he wishes he could see me more but he has his kids 4 times a week. This is quite a new relationship but we just click. It might go the full distance but then it might not. I just tell my mum a lot, so its hard not saying anything about this. What do you think? X
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 August 2011):
 So let me play your mother's role, so you can practice. "You've met a lovely guy, how wonderful! How did you meet? Through friends?"
"He adores you, how wonderful, he should indeed. So how often do you two get to see each other? There's more to intimacy than texting messages, you know!"
"So tell me about his family. He has 3 children (one of which he adopted), wow, how old is he? And what about the children's mother? What happened to that relationship? Why did they break up?"
"I know you want children, so you have told him you want children and he hasn't run a mile, that's well and good, but has he actually said OUT LOUD that he wants any more?"
"So your fella doesn't have a lot of money either and I worry whether he would be able to give you what you need, especially as you want children. What does 'not a lot of money' mean? Does that mean he's bankrupt, or poor, or does all his money go to his existing children?"
"There's shy and then there's emotionally withdrawn to the point of social paralysis. Is he someone you can ever feel proud to bring around for holidays and special events? Speaking of which, who gets precedence for those events, his current children or any new ones by you??"
"I don't want you to waste you time if he doesn't want kids, I know he hasn't said he doesn't but he also hasn't said he's ready for a whole new family. Is is possible you are getting out ahead of yourself here?"
"I know he just makes you happy, but you've said your lives are so so different. Could you please elaborate on how they are different? In interests and aims and goals or simply in personal circumstance?"
Try to flesh those answers out a bit and give a stronger vision of how great a guy he is. Frankly, he sounds a bit woeful as a partner at the moment. Maybe you could just spare a moment and think about him objectively and then that will help you come up with the words that will help you explain why he's perfect for you.
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