A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is it a good idea to write a letter to your ex? I've been doing the no contact rule, but it has been really hard. I've been thinking about writing a letter to let her know how I feel and how much I am hurting. Will I be making a fool of myself by doing this? She is already seeing another girl, and seeing the process of how she falls for this girl is painful. I feel like I need to let it out. What do you all think? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2013): Hi there!
I haven't been active for such a long time here. Not really long, maybe a month,been busy, but your dilemma caught my attention.
Why? because its something I can relate with.
What your feeling is like a very itchy thing that you have to scratch. Write to her and let her know how you feel.
Send it to her. But don't expect something in return.
You have to realized and understand that things have changed.
the one you love is seeing someone else now.
You have to respect that. When you sincerely love someone,
you have to learn how to let go and be happy for what will make the other person happy.It would be enough for you to let her/him know, that you care and love him and wish them well.
So go ahead send the letter because in my opinion your not making a fool out of yourself. your just being honest with yourself. what's wrong with that? Honesty is a very good character, what's not is acting crazy.
So i say, Go ahead, be honest with yourself, scratch that itchy feeling, but don't act Crazy. Let it go afterwards.
Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2013): You're just setting yourself even further back if you contact your ex.
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A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (9 October 2013):
 No dont send the letter. It wont change anything. Something broken sometimes cant be fixed.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 October 2013):
 This is what friends are for, go vent to them. I think you think letting your ex know how badly you are hurting is going to make her feel bad too. She probably doesn't feel great about the end of the relationship either. What benefit is telling her you hurt going to give you?
Go gather up some of your best buddies and have them console you.
Oh, and stop watching the process of your ex fall for someone else. That's just masochistic! Block her on FB or hide her feed or do what you need to do but don't watch her any more.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2013): I have to go a little further in advising you not to write any letters at all; until you're absolutely sure you will not send them. No contact means no contact by any means.Write only the affirmation:"I'll get through this and get over her!" Over and over, if you need to write anything at all.Do not type e-mail correspondence. Don't tempt yourself to hit the send button. Don't use an electronic digital device at all. Use pen and paper and write from the heart. Avoid alcohol and drugs. Tear it up or shred it when you're done. The problem with writing letters is your anger will start to filter through the outpouring of emotion; if it's too soon. Your post suggests that you are so much in pain, you may not yield to better judgment. The one detail that made me suggest that you not write at all just yet, is the fact she is already seeing someone else. This reaches into emotions that may also provoke resentment, jealousy,and desperation. Thus causing your feelings to erupt and send a series of letters in spite of everyone's advice not to send it. I know human nature; it will seem like a good idea at the time. Regret comes later.She may respond in a bad way. The other person may get a hold of the letter and respond in a bad way. You may include things you wish you hadn't revealed about your feelings, and she may throw very sensitive things back in your face. That's the risk of writing down feelings and sending them.I'm glad you wrote the post first. This way, the aunts have given you needed intervention and suggestions that will help. I'm judging by the sentiment of your post, that you are highly upset. I was dumped only five months ago, and know the range of emotions first-hand. I'm doing quite well right now. I read a lot and learned a lot. So I wrote articles on DC to help others. The advice given, is from the heart. I too wanted to express my feelings. At this point, they don't matter to her. She has already decided to move on; and your pleading is not going to change that. Your feelings mean more to you then to her right now. There is also a third party who will intervene on her behalf; to help her to resist your involvement, and influence how she reacts to you.So if you do write, give it a few more weeks before you let your feelings go down on paper; because I sense they'll end up in her hands, instead of a journal or the trash. I'm gay also, and you have to resist giving in to the "drama queen." She'll get out and and it's hard to reel her back in once she's free. You know what I'm talking about.
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A
female
reader, tjazzy  +, writes (8 October 2013):
Go out and date more. No point picking at old scars, you'll just bleed and hurt and all for what?
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (8 October 2013):
 I'm in total agreement with Eyes, Aunty Babbit and C.Grant - writing the letter can be very therapeutic. In fact, write as many as you like, or better still, start writing a journal and let it all out. But don't send anything to your ex. It really won't help. There could be no positive outcome.
Well done on the No Contact. Incidentally, how of you know about your ex and her new relationship? Maybe you should remove yourself from that source of information. If it's via Facebook, remove her. If it's a mutual friend, kindly ask them to stop mentioning the ex. It'll help the wound heal.
All the best, you'll get through it x
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2013): Anything you say or do can be used against you by an ex.
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (8 October 2013):
 Brings to mind the line from the Moody Blues: "letters I've written, never meaning to send." If you're stuck and unable to move on months after breaking up then writing out your thoughts and feelings can be an effective way of sorting out your thinking and identifying what's holding you back. Do it for your own therapy, sure. But sending it to your ex won't help at all.
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female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (8 October 2013):
 Hi,
Sorry to hear that you're struggling through your break up.
In response to your question I think it can be a very helpful exercise to write a letter expressing your feelings, your hurt, anger, misery and isolation it can be a healing thing to do but you must NOT EVER SEND IT!
And this is why.
I don't know you or your ex but if you sent it she'll either feel really awful, but it changes nothing. She'll have a good laugh at your expense with her new girlfriend, but it changes nothing. She'll be indifferent and toss it away, but it changes nothing.
You opening up your heart to her will NOT bring her back to you.
Write the letter BUT never send it EVER!
Your ex has moved on. Breaking up is bad at the best of times but when you're still hurting it's devastating to see your ex moving on.
You need to move on too, and by that I don't mean jump into a relationship, I mean you have to let her and the relationship go and continue your grieving process.
Write the letter, put it in a drawer somewhere, give it a few weeks or months, take it out and read it again. You might be surprised at how you feel a little less passionately about those words than you did when you wrote them.
Then you destroy it.
You will eventually reach acceptance that it's over and that she has moved on because the pain will not be so bad and the thought of it won't floor you.
Make the rule "No contact, ever again" and accept that.
It might be worth considering counselling at some point if you feel that you're emotionally stuck and unable to move forward.
It just takes time. Be kind to yourself.
I hope this helps AB x
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 October 2013):
 Don't do it or do it but don't send it.
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