A
male
age
36-40,
*asp
writes:My girl friend does not make her exhusband pay child support for his 2 kids (because he is a whiny baby) he does nothing for his kids only on christmas. When they come to his house for the weekend, he does not have food for them most of the time. She has to buy food for them or takes them back home. He works everyday but allways says he has no money.Me and this girl just had a baby 2 months ago she is not working right now so i pay all the bills. Even when she did work i always had to giv here mony. An i paid most of the bills. This relationship puts a great financial strain on me.I see myself geting nowere in life. An i dont now if i should stay with her or not but i do love her?
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male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (22 February 2008):
 Your girlfriend doesn't need to call him or see him. She needs to go to court and let the court serve him with the child support papers. He can whine all he wants but the court will still garnish his wages. If he harasses her about it, she can also have the court draw up a restraining order, which will keep him from having any contact with her. She may also consider filing for sole custody of the kids while she's at it. He'll still have to pay child support but he won't have any rights to see the kids without your girlfriend's consent.
I live in the U.S. too and I know there are laws to protect mothers from deadbeat ex-husbands. Your girlfriend needs to see a lawyer. If she/you can't afford one, there are usually free law clinics in most communities.
She needs to hit this deadbeat where it hurts . . . in the wallet.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (22 February 2008):
 Your wife is way out of line by not demanding child support, especially when money is tight. Discuss the finances together and emphasize how easier it would be on the budget if you two were to get what is rightfully hers and the kids. What's a little whining anyway, if you can see the happiness on a child's face because they are wearing some new shoes. She needs to get her head on straight. Last resort would be to start whining louder and longer than her ex because he ISN'T paying child support.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (22 February 2008):
 I can sympathise with her to a certain extent. My kids dad (we split 7 yrs ago) DOES pay his weekly maintainence, a very small amount, but thats it. Any school trips, school uniforms, shoes etc etc etc, i pay for, because he doesnt stop going on about how poor him and his girlfriend are, even though they both work full time, went to Egypt on holiday last yr and she hands 100 quid to her son for his birthday, my daughter got 10 quid for hers in jan off him. Its not my fault they rack up the credit cards. He only has them everyother weekend for one night too, so its not like he feeds them a lot. And he NEVER takes them anywhere or buys them anything whatsoever, they stay at his or visit his family. But i dont say anything, and keep it the way it is, because they put you on a guilt trip exes! And my 2 are happy with the situation. They are 13 and 11 though. So probably different.
The guy should be paying the minimum child support though. If nothing else. I guess the child support agency aren't interested as she isnt on income support?
C xxxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): In reference to your followup. Your gf is emotionally weakened when it comes to this ex of hers, for some reason. He has a grip on her and he shouldn't. Did he abuse her, in any way and she doesn't want to stir things up? Because plainly, he is manipulative and using her weakness to his disadvantage. That could be the root of the problem. She needs to realize her kids, with this man are her top prority and these kids should be his top prioroity. Their connection is over...done. Their only association is...their kids. She has now moved on with you. She now needs to acquire some strength and personal courage by letting her ex know, he is responsible for his own kids. She has to set some very tough boundaries with him. No more 'ms. nice guy'. Tell her to detach herself from him, once and for all. Get to a solicitor and enforce the child support terms of this divorce. If she can't do this, I feel you may grow increasingly frustrated and angry with her inability to be strong and this could greatly hinder your relationship. I would talk from your heart with her and tell her your open, honest feelings about the issue of 'respect' in this relationship, but do it calmly and maturely.
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female
reader, Serinity +, writes (22 February 2008):
 Well, she should stop backing down and persue child support. It's not fair to her kids or you. I'm not saying it's worth walking away from the relationship, but she shouldn't be worrying about him whining at this point. He isn't concerned about his kids or the financial strain it's putting on you so why should she be concerned about him?
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (22 February 2008):
If you hadnt had a baby with this woman i would of walked away personally. I think it asks a lot to take on someone elses kids, especially if they dont contribute in any way.
I wouldn't have a guy move in here with me and my 2 kids and expect them to pay for everything. BUT if we had a child together, i would. I mean, what do you do, pay for things for your 2 month old, and not the other 2? That just wont work. She has a 2 month old, she cant work.
Now yo are in the situation, its tough basically. Its a case of you made your bed, now you need to lie in it.
C xxxxx
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A
male
reader, jasp +, writes (22 February 2008):
jasp is verified as being by the original poster of the question the last thing i wanta do is walk away from my son but its not the point that he wont pay for his kids its that she doest make him pay. Ive brung the suject up and its "i dont wanta here his wining". One time she had paper for him 2 pay and he calles 100 times a day until she took them them back. And it also takes away from his kids because they could be having new clothes an toys and stuff like that
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (22 February 2008):
 Enough said. I understand your being upset about carrying another man's financial burden. I have the feeling that he won't contribute much, but his demands need to be heard anyways, as he is the father of two kids.I agree with all the posters. You knew the woman had two children, and now you have a 2-month old yourself. I don't think you should walk away from this little baby, or the mother, only because another man won't do what he should be doing.You know, sometimes seeing things from different angles help you very much. It's a problem for you that the ex won't give money. However, it would be a hell of a lot of a worse problem if he did. Because then not only would he have the kids, but also "shares" in Your Family Inc. Now THAT would be something. Would you like it if he said that you and your child are living off HIS contribution? What would happen if this whiner got abusive and started giving opinions about what you should be buying or not? Or if he said you and your child are living off the alimony he pays?And the kids are not to blame, man. They are absolutely innocent. Don't ever blame them or have anything against them just because their father is as he is.Bite the bullet. It's the right thing to do, and it's also the convenient thing to do. You can chin up.
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A
male
reader, maddox08 +, writes (22 February 2008):
 Hey guy what's up this is a very difficult for you I bet, well it sounds like you love her thought. Ok it sounds like to me that your girl is stuck in the 50's, where as in thoes days the man was the the sole bread winner and the woman was the breeding, cleaning machine. This just isn't so in these days. Tell her of the impending danger on the relationship if she dosent start asking the other dead beat for child support. Raise your girl off the couch, out of the house, and in to a job!!!! Be open and just let her know everything that bothers you. The ex says he "never" has money is probably untrue he's just gotten so used to you suporting his kids why would he give up his extra party money on his kids while your doing it? If you see no improvement in your conversation with her then rent her Mona Lisa Smile, if that dosent help let it go cause chances are its gonna be like this for the duration of your relationship. if it comes down to that just be happy in knowing that you gave it your best and move on to greater financial reward you and YOUR baby.
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male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (22 February 2008):
Since you're the father of one child, you have more than just a financial investment in this relationship. If you can consider walking away from your 2 month old baby, that doesn't say much about you. If you love her as you state, you need to find a way to make this work. Get the ex to pony up his share.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): Whoa! No..you don't just bail out, on your responsibilities, simply because money is scarce and life is tough! You have a gf, who just gave birth to your child, 2 months ago. You knowingly, went into relationship, loving a female who had 2 small, dependent children from her past marriage. Her ex will not give her child support so you have taken up the slack, been the more honorable man and is tackling all the responsibilities, here. Dear, this is life and it's many challenges. We all experience disappointment, frustration but we don't just walk away from our family, because, it's hard. We all go through this. Events may not happen the way we want them to. But doesn't cultivate such a 'self-centeredness' in yourself, because you are distorted about your perceptions of life and what 'you' feel entitled to. This is no longer about just you. You have a family and you need to 'accept' that life can be difficult and let go of your expectations and come up with a plan to support/encourage your girlfriend, to get this whiney, irresponsible ex husband, to pay up. Check into your community and see if she can attain some free legal advice, to get this other man to give her the support for his two kids. Frankly, it sounds like he's a troubled man, with no or very little money...this may be like getting blood from a stone. So until your child is older, and she can go back to work, you and she may have to find a better way to get more family income. Hang in there, dear and work to keeping your family together...not ripping it down by up and leaving her over financial issues. Work with her..not against her. This is part of the expedition into being a strong good adult and offering some 'graciousness and understanding' when it is greatly needed in life. And this is one of those moments.
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A
female
reader, Serinity +, writes (22 February 2008):
Financially you may be in a bind for a while, yes. But is it worth giving up a woman whom you love and who you share a child with? If you are contemplaing walking away from this relationship over finances then what are you going to do when things get really hard? Are you just going to walk away from every situation because it's easier then dealing with it? Life is not easy and that's why it is so precious. If the only things you experienced were pleasure and comfort, it would be impossible for you to fully appreciate them. A life of total ease and a complete lack of challenge would be unbearably tedious.Challenges enable you to give of yourself and to make a real difference. And th'at something we all desire at the deepest level. Life is what you make it. We must go through the challenges to get to the rewards. It's not always easy to assume responsibility for our decisions and actions, but it's an unwritten law of nature. I assume you were aware of the financial situation before you got your girl pregnant right? Well, now you've got to assume responsibility for that. I really hope you don't leave a woman you love and your child because you're financially challenged right now. God bless!
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A
female
reader, 2young2bHousewife +, writes (22 February 2008):
Of course you have to stay with her and support her two reasons 1- you said you love her2- She's just had your baby and needs you now more than ever.I'm sorry if your never gonna be the millionaire you always thought you'd be but come on what is more important. Seems to me you are spending way to much time feeling sorry for yourself- what about the two kids whose father seems to be as responsible as a toddler? You may struggle now and maybe its time to talk to your partner and tell her your concerns and look at how together you can cut back BUT please remember kids grow up and will eventually realise what you have done for them and tha sacrifices you have made and that will mean more to them (including your own) then if you earnt all the money in the world. There just children make them no priority not cash!!!
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