A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I've been talking to this man for months and we both like each other's. However, he never talked about taking the relationship to the next level, although he spends hours with me talking non stop, watch a movie together, and I do feel the spark between us, but he just never talks about it. I'm a very attractive woman and recently, I told him about a man who was flirting with me at work and that I reported it, and he seemed to have a jealous reaction and immediately told me after that he used to have a FWB but she was crazy and threatening him that if he doesn't get in a relationship with her, she'll do something completely mad. He told me that he politely told her that he doesn't want to lie to her about his feelings and that he just wanted physical intimacy, so he blocked her and never talked to her again (and all of this was resolved in a day). I didn't like how he called her crazy, as I felt that there was something more behind this, and he described himself as being very honest with her. I didn't ask him for further details. I was really upset and now I'm fearing that he just sees me as a person to spend time with and nothing more. And I'm not sure if the story is really true or he said it to make me jealous and see my reaction. Would a man really say that to a woman if he wants to take her seriously? And would it be potentially a red flag to be with someone who had a FWB and calls her crazy and obsessive? Can someone please tell me what should I do? Do I stop contacting him as it's a red flag, or was it an immature reaction of a man to make a woman think that he's also wanted by other women?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (11 June 2022):
 What are you wanting from this man? As you mention feeling a spark between you, I assume you want more than phone chats, yet you have let this run on for months without even meeting. Why?
As he prides himself on his honesty, I would ask him to be honest with YOU and discuss where he sees your phone friendship going. If he was really interested in taking things further, I feel he would have at least discussed it by now. If he is happy with things the way they are and you are not, then it is not going to work. While you are wasting time on him, you could be meeting someone with whom you could have a meaningful relationship and future.
Is the crazy FWB ex story a red flag? Who can tell? It certainly doesn't portray this guy in a pleasant light. Is this the only "relationship" he has had? As you spend hours chatting on the phone, have you asked him about previous relationships? (I would mention at this point that one of my exes from way back in my late 20s made out all his relationships had failed purely down to his bad choice in women. They were all "crazy" in different ways, or cheated on him. No surprise, he blamed me for the eventual break-up of our relationship, even though he was cheating with a married woman, who he subsequently married. It was MY fault because I worked long hours and had no time for him. Years later, despite still being married to the same woman, he contacted me, telling me he had never forgotten me and asking how I was. Snakes only shed their skins to become bigger snakes. I shut THAT one down VERY quickly.)
Bottom line: decide what you want from this man and see if he is on the same page. If not, end the contact and move on. Look for someone who wants the same things as you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2022): OP:I also thought that the fact that the "crazy" girl has given up in a day and didn't contact him anymore after that a bit not very realistic, the situation seems a bit ambiguous. We have been talking for 6 months now.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 June 2022):
 Yep, I'm with WiseOwle
You hinted at a relationship (or he PRESUMED you did) and he told you this cautionary tale of an ex-FWB who because "crazy" and wanted to date.
Having a crazy ex can happen, I would only really worry if they are "ALL" crazy.
I also think it's quite possible that" or was it an immature reaction of a man to make a woman think that he's also wanted by other women?"
When you told him YOUR story about the coworker - you basically told him - "OTHER men find me attractive. I'm a catch."
So he told his OWN version of that. Except he added the "drama" of her being "crazy and obsessive". He had to top you, right?
Could it be true? Sure. BUT, if she really WAS crazy... she wouldn't have given up the same day because he blocked her lol
Either way...
Are you two having sex? Or just talking for now?
If you aren't having sex he could STILL be looking for JUST that, but also conversations, company, and entertainment - NOT necessarily a relationship.
It seems like you two are still in the "get-to-know-you-phase". So is there a hurry to decide to be a couple just yet?
But it also seems to me that you are getting a "he isn't looking for a relationship vibe" and you are thinking to walk away before you get too attached.
If you are NOT having sex I would seriously put a wait on that until you KNOW he is looking for a relationship.
When you say you have been talking for months... How many?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2022): I think the fable about the crazy FWB was both a hidden warning, and has a moral to the story.
He senses you're hinting around at a relationship; the warning he gave her is he wouldn't lie about his feelings, or be pushed into something he doesn't want. He may have also misread the reasoning behind telling him about your incident with the coworker. It seemed like an odd thing to share, or maybe it was just the timing. The moral of his story is, if you try to rush him into a relationship before he's ready, he will block you; and never have anything to do with you again.
I think referencing the person he once used for sex as crazy and obsessed is a bit severe. He may be suggesting this connection with you is just casual at this point; and he's not sure of where it's going, but don't get ahead of things. Where things are going are not entirely up to him to decide. If you feel you're wasting your time, it's up to you if you want to pursue this any further.
Personally, my gut feeling is the same as yours. I see a red-flag. If the feeling you have doesn't ease-up, and he never seems to give you any indication as to where things are going...DUMP HIM!!! Otherwise, slow your roll, and be observant. Listen when he talks, and pay attention in how he references the women in his past. If everything he has to say about his previous relationships is negative, I'd take it as a warning. There are two sides to every story. If that FWB is the only horror story he has to tell, you can somewhat relax; but still keep your eyes and ears open. Trust your gut!
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A
female
reader, RitaBrown +, writes (10 June 2022):
It might be a red flag if he'd had several girlfriends or FWBs which he described as crazy and obsessive - but if it's just this one girl from his past then it's probably nothing to worry about.
And I don't think it's necessarily a red flag that he told you about her unless his main topic is this girl and how crazy she was . People will share and reveal things about their past. You'd probably be much angrier if he hadn't told you and you'd found out some other way.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (10 June 2022):
 In all fairness you started it with telling him about the guy at work who was flirting with you and that you reported.
Maybe as you mentioned this, and you possibly thought it was the right thing to do to get it out there, maybe he thought the same by telling you about a FWB.
Maybe as you were on the subject he thought it only right to tell you about this incase you found out some other way.
I don't see this as a red flag to be honest, unless someone has been living under a rock for the past 20 years we are all going to have some sort of past no matter who we are. We have all had previous relationships, some good, some bad, some nice ex's, some crazy ex's, that's just life.
If you really like him and you want this to work you need to start living for today, and looking forward to a bright positive future. Dwelling on the past and our partners previous relationships is no good for anyone.
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