A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:No moral judgements please it's to late for that.30yrs ago i met a married man we had a 3yr affair,i moved away that ended it. now 6yrs ago we catch up again and we have started this all over again,he is still married i am not,the thing is i have always been in love with him.I know he doesn"t love me well at least i don't think he does as he has never told me he does.The thing is we just seem to not be able to say goodbye to each other ,I have tried many times to end things and he has to but somehow it only ever lasts for a day or 2 then we are back in contact with each other.We get on great we have great sex,he always turns to me when he is down and we enjoy each others company.But sometimes he is inconsiderate of my feelings and sometimes i have this feeling that i am just his dirty little secret.and i'm just being used.I often get depressed over this as i know it really is going nowhere but after so long i just don't seem to have the will power to end things as i know how very much i would miss him.and he tells me he could never forget me ever.We seem to need each other but i just wish he wouldn't put up walls between us,sometimes he lets his guard down and showes me a side of him i rarely see.But most times he stays just that little bit at arms length like he doesn't want to get to close to me.I feel like i'm in a rut and if he doesn't tell me what his feeling are for me soon i'm going to assume he has none if he has none why doen't he just walk.because if that is the case he could do it easier than i could. but he pursues me if i say it's over.I'm sure he would have no trouble getting himself another woman as he is a very high profile man who most women would find very attractive.but he seems to only want to be with me.I just wish i knew what he felt about all this.
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female
reader, penelopepitstop  +, writes (13 October 2009):
 you make it sound so awful, like hes premeditated this affair, planned it all out and just waiting on some unsupecting woman to come along, then reel her in lol
prob the kind of woman who lacks self asteem, hasnt had many love affairs and they havent lasted long, leaving her thinking that another womans man is at least safe and might be longer lasting..but hey ho she falls in love with him and dreams of a time that she will skip into the sunset with her lover...
meanwhile he sees her as a hobby, like the gym go to her have a workout and not have to think about her till a week later, he might or might not go to her, it depends on can he be bothered...
or am i being cynical..have they both fallen in love with each other, know the risks and the fact it will never work out but are in too deep...
who knows eh..one thing i do know is 1 of them will get hurt..my money is on the poster..
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2009): POOR YOU, biting your nails in anxious anticipation pondering the outcome with this overdue married man. you know you are getting used sexually and that you are indeed his dirty little secret. you say that he is very high profile so i am assuming you are not his first (or even last indescretion). i know that his type often frequent "ladies of the night " to offload the stresses of the business world. you have made it easy for him , now he doesn't need any of those ladies. he has you, his own personal "need provider"
what do you want from him exactly. to leave his wife? to convey to you that you are his only descretion (he is yours exclusively). to confess to being in love with you. this man loves the chase, the unattainable, the moment you pull back he comes running like a faithful puppy dog. he gets off at the thrill of it.
there is an old saying that certain women are meant to be wives and certain women are only meant to be mistresses. what role do you prefer. can you make the transition from mistress to wife or life partner. i will not tell you to end your affair because you will not. that we have to be realisitc about. you have chosen this path and well no matter how he treats you, and how shit you feel, yu have gone into this knowing the outcome. you see you have what is termed a professional cheater, a professional by career and a professional by adultery. these corporates lead two lives and well theor mistresses know the score. they just have to shut up and accept the terms of the afair or get out. very few choose to get out since well they make up their minds that beig second best is better than being nothing.
that is how he game is played by professional and well you do have one on your hand. so look pretty, be available, have mindblowing sex and then send him off to his wife and kids.
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A
female
reader, penelopepitstop +, writes (5 October 2009):
its easy to say leave him alone and be better off emotionally, but when your in love with someone they are all you think about and you convince yourself that you will never find someone like them again and never be happy again, so to stay with them even though they are married and youll never be with them properly is worth it, even if as much as its great when your together its bliddy awful when you cant see them.im sure he does love you, but his life at home with his wife is safe and secure, the thought of changing that terrifies him, yet he cant let you go after all its fun relaxing and will feel like all your worries melt away when your together..completly understand why hed want to be with you and you him
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A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (5 October 2009):
 Hi, hope you're ok. This situation is typical of alot i've heard about over the years. He's in control of this relationship and knows he doesn't have to do too much to win you back each time. The getting you back each time back probably adds a little bit of excitement for him. A few sweet words from him and you're right back where you started, right? He's getting all his needs met by you. Sex, friendship, support and emotion. What are you getting from him?Either accept your role as his mistress and stop living in hope and be happy, or pluck up the courage and leave him for good.Nothing will change for you, cos there's no reason for him to change. It's all going his way. Fortune favours the brave you know, maybe you'll be rewarded with a guy who's all yours. good luck
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A
female
reader, shania +, writes (5 October 2009):
 I cannot add too much to your problem because most of it has been said by the other agony aunts and uncles...BUT to be honest with you...there's not many married men who do leave their wives for their mistress and if he has children then its mostly likely to be a non goer.The fact that he hasn't left his wife after 3 years with him, tells me that he wont...ever! Your single now and its time for you to walk away...He is using you...nothing more...nothing less.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): please get away from this man. You're caught in an emotional trap at his hand. but you are certainly able to get out forever and spare yourself the awful heartache when his wife finds out.
Honestly, my moral judgement would be to tell his wife because she deserves the truth.
These situations allow betrayal to continue in relationships.
For me, I am victim of betrayal. And it's the most painful thing I hav ever been through. I was not married, but he cheated with the same girl twice. complete utter lies for months the first time, and months the second time. I have spoke to the girl myself. Do not allow him to continue to get away with this. It's huge sin! have more self respect, and make this right. He is a selfish - well, add choice words I can't say on here.
Listen, as a woman who was victim to an affair, neither you or him have the right to place another human beings emotional fate in your hands. Because when the wife finds out, her world will crash down at the nads of others. That is not fair at all. Can you live with yourself after that? I'd like to think not. Make this right, now.
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A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (5 October 2009):
 My dear confused friend, I am going to be as gentle as I can, but I need to be blunt to answer your question.
Women are not from Venus and men are not from Mars. We are not as different from each other as so many people have been taught to believe. There are women who will have more than one lover because one fills many needs and another fills others. Men and women are capable of making the same associations with a sexual relationship. Men are not hard-wired to cheat, and women do not always associate sex and love together. Those are just convenient little myths.
By now we've all heard the saying, "He's just not that into you." It's one of my favourites. It just rolls off the tongue and it summarizes SO many scenarios. This is sadly, one of those times.
This man CARES for you TO A DEGREE, but it is not the special little bond you'd like to tell yourself it is. He doesn’t love you. All those “little maybes” (maybe he DOES care more than I think, maybe he does need me, maybe I am special, etc.) that keep you there and lure you back are false hopes.
What makes you special to this man is that you are comfortable and familiar and SAFE. You have been tried and tested over the span of years and have never told his wife about your relationship. You are low risk. You do not demand more of him than he can give. You are sexually compatible AND sympathize with his situation, so you do not ask him to leave his wife or give you more of his time. You are a perfect mistress.
Now you have to ask yourself if this is enough for you. I doubt that it is, or you would not have tried to leave him in the past and would not be feeling confused, or looking for him to express his feelings for you.
You DO want more. You have allowed your emotions for him to grow to a point that is not healthy for you. As a result, you are keeping yourself from the opportunities to have what you are looking for from another man because you are emotionally invested with this one.
Sadly, you have become so involved with a man who has been holding you at arm’s length. Essentially, you can’t be sure if you love the man he is, or the man you think he is (your mind has filled in the blanks that he has left – ALL minds do this – yours is no exception).
Here is where I offer hope. You CAN end this relationship. It will feel difficult at first, but it will help if you focus less on how much you will miss him, and instead on what wonders lie ahead for you; how good it will be when you are with a man who loves you and only you.
Stay focused on things that make you happy. Give yourself space from contact with him and from thinking of him, by employing the same coping strategies we all do when grieving over a lost love. Do not allow yourself to be wooed back into an unfulfilling relationship with man who has wasted so much of your time and doesn’t even love you. For a long time, do not accept his calls.
Do not psyche yourself out by saying you can’t do this. Offer yourself positive reinforcement… because you ABOLUTELY CAN! And plenty of women have done so before you.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (5 October 2009):
 You said "but he seems to only want to be with me." It should read, but he only wants to be with me AND his wife. You also wish you could know what he feels about this, my guess is he feels things are just fine and dandy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): I'm in the same situation as you and Aunty Em. =( So have no advice to pass on...just to let you know you're not alone in the way you're feeling.
Take Care xx
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (5 October 2009):
 Your a human being who needs closeness and affection. In the absence of a fulfilling relationship perhaps this guy ticks a few boxes and fills a few of your needs. Women seek comfort through security. They need to be able to give and recieve love and in the act of sexual contact they form emotional attachments more often. Men also seek comfort and love through relationships but sexually they form less attachment. In fact for a lot of men, they often need space after a close intimate act.
This man gives you some of what you need but he doesn't provide the security of a loving monogamous relationship. He will not tell his feelings because, perhaps because he has formed a physical attachment but not an emotional one. He has a wife and he has stuck with her so maybe it is she who fulfills his emotional needs.
The reasoning behind your continued involvement probably stems from two different places. You return because you need some attention, excitement and the sense of belonging to someone (albeit temporarily) and he returns because he needs a comforting ear and a warm friendly body in which to have sex with (and no questions asked).
How do I know this?...because I am in a similar relationship with someone and it is approaching it's third year.
I am not going to offer any words of advice on what you should do (after all why give advice that I can't take myself)I think you know what you should do...but perhaps like me...your just not strong enough to walk away.
Aunty Em xxx
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A
male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (5 October 2009):
well either way you sugar coat it if his wife doesn't know about you then you are in fact his dirty little secret. there are reasons he dsnt want to leave his wife for you and there are reasons he won't let you go. you said no moral judgment so I won't. you can either hang out around till the bitter end when his wife does find out or you can do urself a favor and stay away from him and be better off
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